Textual Affiars

[Alan]

Looking for views from members (and non-members too!) on 'affairs' conducted by text on mobile phones.

My question is this ; does this activity really count as infedility?

In my case, my wife is the 'culprit' as she has been communicating with a (male) friend of ours for over six months, with messages that confirm that she is carrying on behind my back. I found out purely by accident as the guy involved texted me by mistake - my wife's mobile number and my own are very similar with only two digits different.

The relationship is not physical and after talking to my wife about it, she is of the opinion that it was/is a 'bit of fun'. I take a different view!!

Anyway, the whole episode has cast a long shadow over our relationship, with intimacy now stone dead and a real strained and tense atmosphere in the house.

So, does this count as an affair?

Alan

[Jason]

Hi Alan,

I would say at the 'texting' stage it is not really an affair although it could lead to one. I recently discovered my wife was having an affair and that all started by some 'harmless' text flirting with a work friend. It just developed from there into a physical relationship which went on for 9 months and ended when I discovered what was happening. We are trying to pick up the pieces but its been very hard and we are making very slow progress.

All I can advise is be on your guard, I was not happy when I discovered flirty text messages on my wife's phone and at the time she reassured me these were harmless and just a bit of fun, unfortunately it ended up turning into a full blown affair. I trusted her at the time and didn't think more of it!

Ask your wife how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I'm sure she would be hurt if you carried on as she has done.

Best wishes Alan,

Jason

[Tiff]

it's not a physical affair so nothing has been acted out but it still is unhealthy, or so is my opinion. I think married people should be 100% committed to each other and if one is not or even thinks about looking elsewhere for companionship normaly given by their spouse then there needs to be some SERIOUS talking going on. I'm not sure how far the texting went but she should at the least acknowledge it hurt you.

[Alan]

Thanks for your comments guys.

My wife and I have talked about it and while we are working through it ; with the hurt mainly on my side, I think it is something we can get over.

I love my wife very much and I don't want to lose her.

[Jax2000]

Hi Alan,

I'm pleased to hear that you and your wife are refusing to let this affect your marriage. I think the issue of text and cyber sex is affecting a lot of modern couples, which is why the magazine I write for is running an article on that very topic.
I hope this doesn't offend you, it is certainly not my intention to do so, but do you think your wife would consider talking to me? I think her experience could help other couples in the same situation either avoid or work through their problems like you and she have.
You are very welcome to contact me if you want more information. My name is Jacqui Paterson and my email address is: JLPU2004@yahoo.co.uk.

[Alan]

Sadly over the last 24 hours, my wife's textual affair has meant a serious breakdown in our marriage.

She wants out and has devastatingly told me that she does not love me anymore - in fact I think she hates me.

We have an eight year-old son - a beautiful gift - and she has asked me to leave the family home. I'm truly and utterly gutted and don't know what to do next. On one level I don't think I should leave the house and on the other I should go, but to where?

We had a long, long talk last night and her true feelings came to the fore and it's clear that our future as a couple is bleak ; that said I still love her (and I do, and not just out of desperation either) and she and my son are my whole world.

Jeez, this is hard! Tears are dripping onto my keyboard as I type and for the first time in my life I feel completely helpless and alone. My soul has been ripped from me and I'm at a loss what to do next. I'm currently at work typing this after making sure my son has been safely put into planned childcare and leaving him this morning knowing that he's blissfully and innocently unaware of what is going on with his mum and dad also broke my heart.

I feel very selfish for being so emotionally charged but this is tearing me apart and I'm all over the place.

Any words of advice would be gratefully received.

[jasminebose]

Hi Alan,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is so sad. Has anything happened since your last post? Have you suggested counselling to your wife? Perhaps having a mediator around to talk might make it easier. If she has made up her mind to leave then you are going to have to go along with it and try and remain hopeful and as positive as possible. Let us know what happens,
JZ

[Alan]

Hi all

Many thanks to everyone for the personal replies. It's good to know that people care.

Anyway, an update. My wife and I are still sharing the house but relations are very strained. As I posted above, I still love her. Madly too. Does that sound daft? Probably. But I do nonetheless.

The best thing to do is to play the whole situation by 'ear'. I will do anything to save my marriage, short of something that is totally unreasonable. The idea of counselling is something I'm keen to do, but the timing would have to be right with my wife.

Some of the things she said to me last week still hurt ; but I realise that most of it was defence mechanisms, however the words are out there and can't be taken back so I'll need to live with it.

I'm a great believer in working things through. Perhaps I'm old fashioned - 38, is that old? - but 14 years together and many, many good tiumes including our son, can't just be tossed away.

Alan

[just me]

Alan,

So sorry to hear of your troubles. Many of us have been hurt by the same type of thing. There is a message board on the subject on msn.com that has helped me greatly. Mostly it's women hurt by their husbands' online infidelity, but there are men who post, too. It is under the "groups" category on msn and is the group called "spouses hurt by internet infidelity". You have to send them an e-mail and ask to join since only those hurt by such matters are allowed to post on the site. You qualify and I urge you to have a look. It has helped me immensely to begin to get over the hurt.

--Just Me

[Alan]

OK, will give it a try.

Things are getting no better and I really do think I've lost my marriage and my soul.

I'm totally, totally gutted.

My wife has changed into a different person, it's a complete volte face, and its hard to cope with.

We were out last night, with our son, and enjoyed (?) a meal. Whilst walking back to our car we stopped to have a look in a shop window. Whilst standing her hair blew in front of her face and I cleared it for her. What I got in return was a blast about me showing 'the world' how that action was a demonstration of possessiveness and other hurtful things.

It's hard to take, it really is.

[Just Me]

Sorry Alan,
The website is Thosehurtbyinternetinfidelity not what I said.

[Babes]

When my Husband got caught texting another woman he said it was a bit of a laugh and didn't mean anything, but to me it did and I felt like I had been cheated on. What if it went further and they were in each others company? would it still be a bit of fun or an affair?
Babes

[Alan]

Guys

I'm in need of some therapy, so I thought I'd give you an update on what has been happening to my marriage (and my life) since my last posting.

Today (Sunday) my beautiful wife walked out the door of our house with black sacks and suitcases stuffed full of her clothes and left me.

I'm utterly devastated.

We had a discussion last night after yet another disagreement and all the hurt, liesand deceit were aired.

To hear that the 'textual affair' I discovered a few months back was not the first and to watch the words forming on her lips saying that she 'can't stand being anywhere near me' along with 'I don't even like you' broke my heart.

Worse, our son heard the whole thing. I spent the majority of the night comforting him. He heard his mother say some nasty things and I have to confess that his wee face was the saddest sight I've ever seen.

I have to face facts now that she has decided to move on. The days and weeks that follow will be very hard and right now it feels as if my right arm has been severed.

My son is sleeping and has yet to face the fact this his mother is no longer around.

Thereare so many things I need to do now ; arrange school - difficult because of my working hours, sort out many other things that will need attended to. I'm at a complete loss and feel totally inadequate.

I can't understand why all of this is happening. I'm no saint (who is?) and I know that relationships have low points and high points. I'm a great believer in working through problems but it would appear it won't happen for me.

I could type for hours here, but it won't address what has happened.

'Moving on' is easy to say but how do you do it?

Alan

[Concerned reader]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Alan.

When faced with a similar situation I found a direct approach to sources of help - such as headteachers - the best. I prefaced anything with an explanation that I was in shock and people responded by giving me more time to take anything in.

They were very understanding and supportive and did their best to help.

Consider; the disappearance of a parent for reasons of health, or accident, or even being in prison, is unfortunately routine for a headteacher. It is more unusual for a woman to abandon a child, but as any family solicitor will tell you, it is far from unique these days.

(Personally, I have trouble getting my head to a place were any woman leaves her child, so I take a dim and unhelpfully judgemental view of that behaviour. )

Anyway, in the current blizzard of emotions your son needs to know first and foremost that you are not going anywhere. His life may be slightly re-arranged but the underlying pattern of school, home and (if possible) extended family will stay exactly the same.

As for mummy....well, maybe you would be justified in fudging the situation for the moment? Maybe mummy just needs a little time to sort herself out, mummy is just having a break....is it really necessary for the child to cope with what you believe is finality? There will be time for all that, sadly, if it becomes necessary.

I do have oblique family experience of a walk-away mother. The young boy involved bounced out of it surprisingly well as children are very focussed on their needs and so long as food and routine and school are there, it allays the terrible fear of 'what is going to happen to me'.

Also, single parenthood is not going to be a unique experience in your son's class of children. Of course he will be upset, but it may not be as devastating as you fear.

Look after yourself - the boy needs you to.

[nicola]

I truly believe you should take this very seriously and not assume it's as innocent as simply text messaging. This is merely the part you discovered and for sure it might be the only thing going on but I would try to investigate further.

As in my case, I discovered my husband was having an affair that led to a physical one and ended abruptly when I confronted him over a card I found in his brief case. He was only prepared to tell me as little as possible. Because I have very good computer skills I was able to hack his email and soon found that he had been unfaithful with several women and for a much longer time than I expected.

Please take this slowly and try to get to the bottom of all that is going on. Hopefully it will just be the text messaging. Get counseling as soon as possible.

I feel very sorry for what you are going through, I know the pain you are experiencing.

nicola

[Alan]

Nicola

Thanks for your message.

It's gone beyond text messaging now.

The fact that she's left tells its own story. However I'm prepared to forgive.

Why? Because I love my wife. I don't believe any of the 'affairs' got physical (I have some good grounds to believe this).

I just want her to come home.

[nicola]

I wish you well Allan. Love is a strong emotion but sometimes it isn't enough. I truly love my husband and remain in this marriage but each day that passes I truly struggle to forgive him. It may come down to me loving him but unable to remain married to him. For me a successful marriage requires trust.

You have forgiven your wife and want her to come home. Has she asked for forgiveness? Does she love you? Look deep into your relationship with her, spouses who betray are selfish and usually do not betray to hurt their partner. They compartmentalise their actions. They sometimes lose respect for not only themselves but their partner.

Know your limitations Allan, tell her how you feel but don't compromise your values.

Good luck

nicola

[Alan]

I'm afraid the place where my wife is at right now does not involve me.

She has told me that she does not like me anymore, far less love.

She needs time and space away to sort out what she wants. I'm not hopeful that will involve me or our son.

She is unhappy and I feel desperately guilty about that. I was told I'm the reason for her unhappiness.

Today has been very tough. For the first time in 14 years I've had no contact with her. My best friend, my rock, my life. My son started back at school after the September break and that was awful. Not because he was at school, but because he was wanting his mum.

I had to leave work early to pick him up after a call from the headteacher saying he was unsettled.

A dreadful day. The wee soul is 'washed out'.

In my heart of hearts, I don't believe she will come back.

I've been advised to let her go ; sink or swim kind of thing.

Easy words to utter, harder to practice.

I've plenty of family and friends who have been very supportive and I thank each and everyone of them, but my God do I feel empty.

As for your situation Nicola, I hope you find it in your heart to stay with your husband. Work it out, please.

[nicola]

Thanks Alan, I'm trying to work things out with him otherwise I would have left long ago. I discovered his infidelities in march 2003 and I am still here. It's been really tough.

I received a reply here from Kate and she suggested some reading I might research and did last night. Clearly from something I read, our marriage can never ever be the same. My husband says he wants things to go back to the way they were when we first met, the first two years of our relationship in his eyes were bliss. The readings were right, you can never go back, the betrayer made sure of it. When you betray someone you destroy much more than trust, you destroy the memories because once you are deceived and lied to, you can never know what was real from your past with them. My question is, what else is/was he lying about? What is he lying about today?

Rebuilding when the trust is gone is probably the most difficult challenge we face. I will try Allan but it's all about now and he must do a lot of work too. I am angry that he destroyed so much of my memories. You can argue that the memories are mine to keep and to a degree you are correct, however, I know that some of our memories were so meaningful to him that he created new memories with his women friends at some of the places that we created 'our' memories at. See my point?

One quick example:

My husband took the woman I discovered last to the hotel we spent our wedding night at. How on earth do I treasure that memory now?

Allan, right now for you is soooooooo painful, I know only too well. Even more painful because your wife left. Be kind to yourself right now and surround yourself with soft places to fall. Nothing you do right now will change her mind. Being strong for your son will return greater rewards. Remember also, that it is quite likely that your wife will eventually want to come home. When that happens, redefine your relationship with her. Set your boundaries and always stay true to yourself. Never compromise your values.

I'm so sorry she left Allan, it will take time but you will feel differently when you allow some healing to take place.

nicola

[Alan]

Nicola - your kindness is overwhelming and I truly appreciate your kind words.

Your situation must be very painful too. The revelation relating to the hotel must have cut like a knife.

If you love him, persevere. I'm kinda old fashioned that way. I don't believe in giving up, especially if it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes though, things are not meant to be. That might be what's happening with my wife and me. I pray that it is not.

And you are right. Nothing I have said in the last few days has changed anything. Begging, which I did, made me look weak, which I'm sure is part of the problem.

I just miss her. Her smell, her sound, ach you know what I mean. I even asked her last night if she wanted a drink and she wasn't there! How sad is that?

The old saying is true - you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I'm very selfish here I know, and I'm thinking only of my hurt and not focusing on why she left.

My fear is that no matter what I do, she's gone.

Life goes on, sure it does, and I need to re-focus.

I love my wife, but perhaps that's the problem. I love her too much.

[Sarah]

Hi Alan and Nicola, I have stumbled across this forum whilst doing a search on infidelity as I too have discovered text messages on my husbands phone I have also found items belonging to a woman hidden in our home (they are not mine) so have agonisingly come to the conclusion that he must be seeing someone else although it is only suspicion as I am trying desperately to find reasonable explanations, haven't yet. Alan I have been reading your messages in tears how dreadfully painful for you and your little boy. I too have children, one is only 3 months old so I can understand how devasting it is and I too still love my husband which makes his actions so painful and every day when he goes to work Im wondering where he is going and it's eating me up inside. He doesn't know what I have found out and I really don't know what to do next Im frightened to confront him in case I lose him. Nicola how did you find out about your husband I so want concrete evidence but don't know how to get it! Sorry Ive gone on abit but having no one to talk to I have found this a blessed relief

[Alan]

Hi Alan and Nicola, I have stumbled across this forum whilst doing a search on infidelity as I too have discovered text messages on my husbands phone I have also found items belonging to a woman hidden in our home (they are not mine) so have agonisingly come to the conclusion that he must be seeing someone else although it is only suspicion as I am trying desperately to find reasonable explanations, haven't yet. Alan I have been reading your messages in tears how dreadfully painful for you and your little boy. I too have children, one is only 3 months old so I can understand how devasting it is and I too still love my husband which makes his actions so painful and every day when he goes to work Im wondering where he is going and it's eating me up inside. He doesn't know what I have found out and I really don't know what to do next Im frightened to confront him in case I lose him. Nicola how did you find out about your husband I so want concrete evidence but don't know how to get it! Sorry Ive gone on abit but having no one to talk to I have found this a blessed relief
Sarah

Too many emotions will be passing thru' your head just now and you will be all over the place.

My advice would be not to ignore it and ask, however painful that may be.

Talk it through, communicate and sort it.

Alan

[sarah]

thanks alan, trying to summon the courage to ask but i know he'll just deny it then have a go at me for sneaking around reading his phone messages! what a mess but I'll get thru it somehow

[Caroline]

I have just found a number of text messages on my partners phone. He has also confessed that it was a one night stand with a work colleague which has continued via txt message for the last 3/4 weeks. Some of which are quite obscene. We have been together 10 years, since being teenagers and have just bought our first house together 3 months ago. I believe this is the 1st time it has happened and he appears to be devastated by his actions- but he can't explain the messaging because according to all our family who know, he is just as devastated as me. I could get over the one nighter - but not the continuation of it by phone. All I want to know is why? and where do we go from here. I really thought we were happy - he even says we were (are) happy and simply has no explanation.

[rochedale1]

Hi guys
just wanted to say me too
I did stupid thing and entered a tit for tat spiral
basically she was lonely and a guy got her number from a local magazine she was selling her wedding dress and he chanced his arm she was bored - it was a bit of fun and she ended up after a year in a hotel in Belgium with him thats when i challenged and went a bit off the rails
I was very veryu depressed but i was convinced they had been together on a regular basis for about 6 months before that I just kept hopeing that it wasnt true. that it was just texts but in the end i ended up flirting with an d meeting people
Things went way further than they should have but I (just) kept my marraige vows. sadly the other two ladies have split up from thier partners and my wifes guy ( the one that i know about ended up getting fired) we almost spilt and it was really really horrible for over a year its improved slowly since then evrything including our young kids have surffered and the trust is only very very very slowly comming back.Evrtime her phone beeps at nioght thereis a coolness that would shock anyone lookinfg on.
Phones make it very very very easy to flirt sodes email and because its anonymous we think it dose no harm
its true to say that if evrything is ok there will be no harm - in fact its really rare that Everything is alright. Even if it was - we tend to be greedy. A quick ego boost that appears harmless, is sooo tempting.
If there is a text you shouldnt have seen

A) Don't see it! Its not your phone or email so just dont look. If you feel you have to, then address the problem - you dont trust them. You wouldn't read someones mail at work, or pry in the personal records.
b) Don't pretend it will go away - you shouldn't have looked they shouldnt have flirted but start a discussion not a confrontation say "sorry your lonely" and things might end better then asking "How dare you ....... "
Wish you all lots of luck. If you have split and its looking like its probably final, get custody of the kids if you are currently looking after them. its not to slam the door - its to secure thier environment.
once you both know the kids are secure ( ie they are staying with x on thesse days and y on those) then there is soem chance of sorting out visiting without the kid coming to hate it cause its all ways accompianied with confrontation.

In the end if you want to txt some one then text your wife/hubby. If nothing else it will kill the novelty value if some one else tries! and you never know they might be a bit chuffed!