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avantbond
20th June 2004, 07:36 AM
Well, I have been married for about five years now and I thought that I had a really good marriage. Last year I found out that my H had been taken in by porn since he was young. He had not been with me on many nights because he was finding comfort online looking at porn. he promised to stop and seek God 's help in the area, well just recently I found out that it has continued. I am concerned, first I was able to get him to talk about his feelings about my body, our sex lives, his love for me. He is the best man that I have ever known, he loves the Lord, and has always spoiled me. He tells me all of the sweet things that women want to hear, buys me gifts and pampers me. Yet when we got married I had already had three children from my first marriage, and then I had our baby. This left me with a fat tummy, I still hav ecurves yet my breast are not firm and my belly is a mess. He confessed that it has been a turn off for him at times, that he has had to think of other women when he was making love to me, just to stay erect. He confessed to looking at women that are much younger than I am (I am 33 looks 22) so we're talikng 18 year olds or so. He confessed to looking at women that have firm athletic bodies and a different shin tone than I. So I am set up to have breast aug and tummy tuck, yet the younger part, and skin tone part I can not do. i dress up each and every night with full jewelry, hair adorned. I look pretty hot everday for him, finding sexy gowns and dresses to please him. I am just afraid to be nude infront of him until I have the surgeries (this makes me sad). He cries often, because he feels bad for hurting me, he knows that it is a problem that is his own, and wants to start counseling. I come from and abusive back ground and I thought I had found a man that I could trust, yet my heart has been broken. Men try to pick me up all of the time, but that turns him on. I just pray that my two girls that are about to be teens and are growing up pretty fast, are not in danger of abuse, because the pictures he has shown me of what turns him on, looks more like them than me. Don't get me wrong, he has been nothing but great to our family, a prayer answered really. Am I crazy or am I too inlove to see danger when it's looking me right in the face? We started date nights on fridays and we actually go to a nice hotel and explore eacother sexually with freedom. Yet on our last date night he could not keep his eyes off of this really pretty girl, and later he had me watch porn with him as he had sex with me he watched the porn as a turn on. HELP, I want to just give up and leave him, but he begs me, and cries and pleads for me to stay. I don't know what to do.

Kate
20th June 2004, 05:55 PM
Dear Avantbond

Your husband needs to address this issue he has. It is his sin, not yours! The problem is not how you look or what you do, but what he is doing. He has na addiction which is not godly and you are in danger of being drawn into doing things that you don't want to do and which are not honouring to God.

Please have a look at the resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) particularly the Focus on the Family web site. Do pray about whether he can be encouraged to go for Christian based counselling or ministry and whether there are friends you can approach confidentially to pray for you both.

The Lord wants you both to be free from this, so stay close to Him


Kate

avantbond
21st June 2004, 04:19 PM
Thank you so much Kate. Please keep praying for us.

baringstraits
28th October 2004, 03:23 PM
Your husband will not get over his addiction to porn by himself! Buy him the book: "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Artteburn (sp?) and get him to an Every Man's Battle workshop (look at Newlife.com for info).

Pornography is addicting, it is progressive for most men. Go to the link:
http://www.protectkids.com/effects/patternofaddiction.htm
and understand the problem better.

Do NOT EVER allow your husband to make love to you while watching porn. He is lusting after other women! Lust is adultery, so the Bible says! Your husband should never need other women to turn him on. NEVER! If he didn't marry you for love and because you were beautiful to him, then you have no marriage. But for him to only want perfect bodies is not love!

Porn is dangerous and destructive and it WILL destroy your marriage IF YOU ALLOW IT! DON'T!!! Do whatever it takes--and I mean WHATEVER--to get your husband off porn. He doesn't need it--he's just addicted. But he won't get off it by himself and you are going to have to stand up for what is right when he cannot. Be willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get him away from this addiction.

And you having surgery because of HIS fantasies??? I would wish you would not! A tummy and other effects after childbirth are quite normal and a loving husband would never expect his wife to go under the knife in order to be attractive. Nor would a normal man need his wife to be so perfect in order to find her desirable. You CANNOT keep up with porn stars who will ALWAYS be younger, always be prettier and always do things you won't. What is going to happen when you get to be 40 and 50 and 60? More surgery to look like an 18-year old? Get real! A REAL man loves a woman for far more than just her physical appearance and will love his wife as she ages just as much as when she was young.

Please get help!
Call 1 800-NewLIfe for Christian counseling.

Jane