child produced from affair with married man

[sickwithsadness]

This is a difficult one.Found out husband of 20 years has had a 3 year affair which produced a child, now age 1.We have two young children ourselves.He wants to save marriage, is obligated to pay child support for this other child, which he is doing, but wants emotional connection with child too. As wife, I feel this child is threat to our marriage and life with our children and cannot tolerate his wanting contact with child. In Christian perspective, where should his obligations lie? Whose needs should he put first? please advise.Thanks.

[Liz]

How hard it must have been to face this difficult situation. There are no easy answers. In order to save your marriage, your husband does need to give you and your children priority, and no doubt you are having to work through the pain of forgiveness.

However that child did not ask to be brought into the world and does need to know his father. Similarly it is not surprising or wrong for your husband to have concern and feelings for his child. On the other hand, the other woman may want to marry again some day and the new husband may be willing to be as a father to the child. In which case it would be sensible for them to agree a process to tell the child about his biological father at some appropriate point.

Are you concerned that if he sees the child he will be tempted to continue some sort of relationship with the other woman beyond the basics needed to care for the child? Or does his seeing the child present a constant reminder of what happened so that it's hard to move on? Perhaps you need to talk to him about the feelings you have around that, whatever they are, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, mistrust, so he can understand where you are coming from and reassure you. Can you also find it in your heart to listen to him and try and understand how he feels about the child?

You will also have to consider how much the children and others should know about what has happened and the timing of this.

The key issues from a Christian perspective are surely forgiveness, which involves not exacting payment or revenge for the hurt someone has done to you. Then there is the difficult issue of learning to trust again. To rebuild a marriage you need to return to the vows you made to each other of exclusivity and commitment through the difficult as well as the good times. Lastly God is a compassionate God who cares for the weak and helpless and the fatherless, so I would say the bible would support your husband caring for his child, but not in a way that damages his marriage to you and your family life together.

[sickwithsadness]

So, as I understand what you say, Husband should not care for child in way to damage marriage and our family life.However, he has involved our children in affair prior to my knowledge by introducing them to child without telling them of who child really is. I do not trust H to think of our children as he tries to involve self emotionally with this child. In fact, I believe he would damage our family life in doing so, and our marriage. I see child as constant reminder to me of our broken marriage vows and his infidelity--to parent child reinforces that to me daily. Should his parenting needs of this child supersede his responsibilities to his original family and wife? If he parents this child, I do think family and marriage will suffer and divorce will be imminent.Now what is Christian perspective? by the way, forgiveness is made more difficult by constant reminder of betrayal via involvement of child. I am trying to forgive, but child makes it impossible. I also question if child would not be better served with full time dad if mother of child finds partner to do this. now what?

[Liz]

Thank you for the further insight into the situation. I am not a theologian, but my understanding is that if I have broken vows or injured someone, then my responsibility is to seek forgiveness from the person I have wronged and to try to heal that broken relationship. I would also have to take responsibility for the circumstances my sin has created.

I would expect to take measures to heal my marriage first and then to work together with my spouse to face the consequences of the damage that had been done.

The real challenge in following Jesus is facing up to our sinfulness, turning away from it and seeking to make reparation where possible.

You are faced with the challenge of how to work this out with your husband. It is interesting that when Jesus was asked "Who is my neighbour?", he answered with a parable that ended with a different question, "Which of these three was a neighbour to the man who was robbed?"

Knowing whether your husband is acting rightly towards you is only part of the answer. How can you act mercifully and lovingly to your husband to enable healing in your relationship, while standing up for what is right and best for your marriage and your family?

Do you have a wise pastor that you can trust that you can both go and talk to, who can help you work through the issues and the pain you are facing?


[This message has been edited by Liz (edited 12 May 2001).]

[mandy B.]

I wish I didn't understand what you are going through but I do. I am the one who had an affair with a married man and had a child from this. I was married myself. My husband and I worked through "many" problems. We prayed about the correct decisions for ourselves, our children and the baby. We choose to keep the baby and wanted to raise him as our own. We felt for our marriage survival and the healthiest choice for the baby would be to keep him from having to do "visitations". He needed to grow up as normal as possible. After many tears, prayers and arguements my husband was given the right to adopt him. I am so blessed to have a husband that is not only forgiving, loving and gracious but, wants to do the will of God.

It is still dificult at times. The biological father has done an awesome thing and stepped out of our life and temporarally out of the babys. We don't plan on keeping this a secret from him but, to give him a strong foundation first and bits of information at a time till he is old enough to understand the complexity of the situation.

This was right for us. It is not the right decision for everyone.
Three and a half years old now and a wonderful part of this family.

Do what is right for you. Set your ground rules on what you can handle.You need to be his first priority. Be loving if you can though. Don't forget to find out what got you two to the place where he felt he needed something somewhere else. It wasn't another person, it was a need not being met or communication gaps.
God heals many wounds!

We serve an awsome God that heals and mends and forgives.