19 confused and needs some advice

[Jekah42]

Here's a little background:

Well my boyfriend and I have been together for right over 2 1/2 yrs. I'm only the second girl he's ever dated, which was also a 2 yr relationship. We had a really hard time getting our relationship going because she just did not want to give him up. She called 24/7, we would see her at random places, and she even visited his parents all the time until she stopped by one day and tried to get his dad to wash her car and he (the dad) finally asked her to stop coming around.

Well her persistence finally paid off. This past Sep. he cheated on me with her (his ex) and immediately broke up with me thinking that he made a mistake ever leaving her. I was devastated! We talked maybe two or three times over the internet along the next three weeks and then one day he sent me an IM saying that he had totally screwed everything up and wanted to meet me so we could talk. Well, I was 18 madly in love and deeply hurt and just wanted to feel better so I went. He had already told her that what he did was wrong that he loved me and wanted to be with me (yeah sounds like a lie but I actually heard him tell her from one of our friends room next door). We ended up getting back together and everything just fell right back in place.

He is an amazing guy and I love him to death and would marry him if he asked. Everything was going great until a week ago he told me he ran into her, the next thing I know she is calling him like crazy and leaving all sorts of urgent messages that he needs to call her back ASAP. That’s when he decided to tell me that he wanted to start being friends with her again. I have been so upset over this I just don't know what to do. I asked what being friend consisted of and he said talking to her on the phone, hanging out with their friends, and actually going places together (sounds like dating to me).

I just don't know if I can handle them being friends and he says I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Should I just keep on going and not worry or feel hurt that she is slowly sneaking her way back into our lives? Or should I give him up and tell him that he needs to choose one or the other and if he says he has to be friends with her should I just walk out the door? I am soo very confused. If you have any advice please please please help. Thanks bunches!

[Kate]

Dear Jekah,

Why not write down your concerns about the situation, the fact that you fear that she won't be able to leave it at friendship and that it will go the same way it did last time. Tell him what would enable you to live with the situation and be reassured.

In some ways it's an opportunity for him to prove to you that you can trust him, which means him being completely open and up front about all he is doing.

If you stay together and eventually marry, then there will be other times when he has a lot of contact with women, such as at work, and part of developing your relationship together is learning to trust each other and be trustworthy.

If he lets you down again, then I think you'd be wise to cut your losses and find someone who can return your love and commitment.

Kate

[Mama]

I see three possibilities for how this could turn out:

1. He comes to his senses, decides he loves you the best and you live happily ever after with thoughts of her never haunting you again.

2. He comes to his senses and decides he loves you the best. You get married hoping to live happily ever after, but either she continues to try to be his "friend", he always wonders if he made the right decision, you feel threatened and resentful of her memory or presence, and the issue either rears it's ugly head from time to time causing you to feel like a loser even if you did win him.

3. You make up his mind for him and dump him. You are young, you deserve someone who isn't torn between you and someone else. A man who knows you are the one he loves. You deserve a man who hasn't shown a propensity for thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. Read the threads and feel the pain affairs, even emotional ones, put people through. Cut your losses while you are young.

[honeybunnybabytoes]

hiya :)

i have bee in a similar situation and am still with my boyfriend. his ex was calling him an wanting to meet even though he was bk in scotland, about a month before we got together he visited his ex which i think gave her the thought that he would get back with her..

this calling him up an continual texts persisted even when he told her that he was happy in the relationship he was in. I eventually got sick of it an asked him never to talk to her again as i knew she still had feelings for him..

For me this was the best action to take but its not for everyone.. other people cant be controlled, and its not the best way to handle things like that..!

i think in your situation it would be best to sit an tell him how you feel an take quality time to discuss it, i would make sure that you say everything and only after that let him say his piece..

its the only way nither of you get frustrated and angry about the situation..

good luck..

[Julide]

Dear Jekah

You remind me of myself,long time ago.
Do you realize that you have already figured out what you wanted to do?You say it yourself,this sounds like dating,it does not feel right,and if it does not "feel" right, it IS NOT right.You Don't have to listen to others,your friends,or other 'free minded' people, who tell you to be reasonable,just listen to your gut feeling.
Just why,he needs to be friends with her?Has he run out of friends?Can he not do those things with you?
At this point,this 'ex' knows that he will go to her, if she pulls hard enough,because he did it before right?And he knows that you will go back to him after whatever he does,because you did before,right?So,time to change all that.
Tell him that he can go and do what he wants with her,you are not bothered,but you he may not find you waiting when he gets back.It's just not on.
Listen to your heart and don't be afraid to put it into action.No one can hurt you then.

[Ishka]

hi Jekah

I got your problem. Firstly Dont let him know you are feeling insecure of that ex friend and dont stop him in meeting her and do what you wish. I think you must stop contacting him and asking him to come to you. If he really wantsto continue with you he will really be worried and come to you and ask the problem and if he asks you whats the problem you tell him what you feel and see his reply if he still continues with that girl I would suggest you to stop because going ahead with a deceit is better to get hurted now and go ahead in life.
Then he does not deserves you and dont cry for him or go crazy. Moveout with ur friends ........
If that girl can sneak in ur life to the limit of winning him to be her friend she may take any step and this ur boyfriend knows because he is also not a child who will not know whats right and whats wrong..

have a nice time
hope for positive results

[**tameka**]

I have been friends with my EX for a while and i think its just not right . . . i mean talking on email and (maybe) a phone call once in a while should be ok but the constant hanging out should not happen if you are around . . . i also know that i value my Ex's friendship ALOT and i wouldnt give it up unless i was POSITIVE i was going to marry someone . . . i think you should compromise and see what you two can work out. i just dont think its right or respectful, being that he cheated once already. hope this helps!!!

[SUSANMARIE]

Honey
Say Good-bye!
Find outside activities to keep you occupied while you are getting over him.
Outside activities should be: assisting in a local library, helping out in your church congregation, visit the elderly and bring them cookies.
Your heart will hurt for a short time, but your spirit will be free to find somone who you can trust and truly love you. God Bless