My partner is addicted to internet porn and chat rooms

[Tracey]

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[mimi2004]

Tracey,

From what I understand about any kind of addiction, including porn, its usually not about the addciive substance its whats driving the person to the addiction. A lot of it stems from intimacy issues--people afraid of being intimate or not knowing how to be intimate. There is obviously something that is driving him to pornography--do you have any idea of what's below the surface?

There are some good resources out there on pornography addiction. I am only familiar with a couple that are Chrisitian based. Even though you don't have a problem with pornography it can be highly addicting and lead to all sorts of things down the road.
The addiction can start out as something "innocent" and then lead to things that may seem unimaginable. Someone who is an addict will go to all sorts of lengths to get the next fix. Just like with drug addiction, what starts out as occasional use turns into a full blown addiction--and the person ends up trying harder and harder drugs. Pornography starts out as "soft" porn which may lead to more risky behavior in order to maintain or get the next "high." Your partner is already lying about his behavior, which is typical of addicts. Sometimes, men who start to use pornography end up using prostitutes and even rape to get what they want. I only say this to let you know that pornography, like any addiction, is dangerous. It should not be taken lightly. And unfortunately, in the age of the internet--more and more men (and women) are able to get instant access to pornography.

Pornography can also have an affect on how a man views women--seeing them as objects to be used for their own gratification vs being someone, a person, to be connected with on an emotional and spiritual level. So with that perspective, I am concerned about you in this relationship and how safe it is for you emotionally, and physically. People who are in relationships with addicts, themselves can become co-dependent--becoming sort of an "addict" in the relationship--

I would suggest getting yourself educated on pornography and addictions. And perhaps see an counselor. Unless your partner admits he has a problem and is willing to get help there is nothing more you can do--you can't MAKE him stop--he has to decide to do that. Also, what happens with people who are in relationships with addicts, is we begin to make excuses for them and become enablers. For example, with an alcohol addiction, the family makes it easy for the person to stay in the addiction--maybe his boss knows he's a drinker and allows him to miss work or come in late, the family cleans up after a binge, etc. And usually what happens to an alcoholic is that he finally loses his job, his family, his home , etc...and then hits bottom. And then its only at that point that they realize they have a problem and look for help--because they've lost everything. And then they have to decide if their addiction or their life is more important.

Is there something you can do to help your partner get your attention that this behavior is no longer acceptable? Are you able to move out and start putting limits on the relationship? Right now, his addiction, in his eyes, is not costing him a thing--he still gets his "fix" as well as maintain a relationship with you. Just something to think about.

I know this is a hard situation to be in. Perhaps Liz and Kate have some insight? This is a great place to find support.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

Mimi

[Kate]

Two things strike me from what you've said. He's lying - that is typical of an addiction. The trouble is lying destroys trust and becomes a habit at other times.

Secondly his waning interest in sex is also typical of an addiction to pornography. People get used to being turned on by pornographic images and when it comes to making love the images are there with them destracting them. Making love in marriage is about giving pleasure to the other. Pornography is about getting pleasure for yourself on your own. You can become more and more turned in on yourself and less and less concerned for your partner.

It is possible to block porn from your computer too.

Why not have a look at the information here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and see what other information you can find.

Kate

[bongbong]

arggggggggggggggggggg, mimi2004!!! you are so wise... :~~~~(

i hate internet chat and porn!!!!

my husband is lying, lying, lying! he would find other excuses to justify his actions when i showed him the evidence i found.

don't know what to do about porn and alcohol.

[Bob D.]

Listen to Mimi she has some rock solid advice, and this is coming from a guy who strugles with porn every day. If you already have not check out this web page http://www.contentwatch.com/learn_center/article.php?id=117 it does a great job explaining how porn snags the male mind. Porn meets the man's needs when and where he wants it to be met. There is no waiting no wondering, the woman on the computer screen is always ready. I dont know if that makes any sense but that is a rough way of explaining how it works. It is a nasty and powerful thing.

Bob D.

[vicky]

I feel for you i really do. i have tried everything with my partner even left him and that just made him do it more. He lies so much about it and has even one occasion sworn to me on his sons life that he's given up even though i had the proof he hadn't. Why in there eyes is it innocent just because none of the woman mean anything to them? For someone who at the time being 6 months pregnant and having to walk in on there partner using a web cam on chat sites i can say it is so hurtful. I want him to not do it for the sake of our relationship, my sanity and the happines of our son,for some weird reason thats not enough to make him stop.

[Raymond]

Until he knows it is wrong Vicky he will not have the motivation to get free of this addiction. It will fight against your sexual intimacy of course as it is not only you he has sex with but also with all those images he encounters on his computer.

Raymond

[abby20]

Did this ever stop.. thi sis happening to me and its killing me.. help!

[chosen]

Did this ever stop.. thi sis happening to me and its killing me.. help!

Why not start a new thread as this one is very old. Maybe we can help?

[Raymond]

This is very serious Abby. You have to confront it. If he won't give it up he is jeopardising the marriage.