OK when dose paranoia become an excuse ?

[Rochedale]

We have been together 14 years and married 9 we have two young kids one under a year, one in preschool and we have a standard enough marraige.
This includes the txt msg from unknown numbers and specifically that we have both had a "cyber" type affaire. In my case as a response to her evident delight at being chatted up by an unknowen txt.
Before we got married I was excluded from my partners work dos. I always suspected it was because she was an attractive flirt but assumed it stopped there. The fact that she never wanted me arround and that Im not socially confident anyhow dosn't help. I have very few friends of my own. And outside of the kids no interests I actually get to spend time on. So whether i was or not I am now a fairly antisocial, boring old git.

She had an affair about 3 years ago and is still txting the guy now though because it was obviously destroying me inside and because she didnt want to be with this guy full time she didnt leave me for him and we subsequently had another kid.
At this point trust is not a stong card in our relationship. I often work long hours and she feels neglected. (Justifiably).
She thinks it likely that I have been or I am sleeping with other people. Part of her would like me too so that she can "get what she needs and have some fun" elsewhere without guilt.
(For a while she was absolutly convinced I was gay ! She saw this as a pity but was happy to have me live in the house ostensibly as a married couple and go our own ways sexually. However Im not gay. I have wondered if I was and if I was hiding it from myself and if that was why I wasn't a god in bed. But Im not gay. I dont fancy men. I do fancy women and Im no adonis but I dont think Im abnormal in bed. I can be kinky - I can be straight but I do feel inadaquate because I can't last a minimum 20 minutes in energetic sexual activity, ( I can only just jog at a reasonable pace for that long!))

Im not certain she is sleeping with him or anyone else but I have fairly strong suspicions she was and that she meets him still. Also with most of her close friends having affairs - would it be unusual if she wasnt? Her regular shopping trips at 2 am and her regular burst of phone activity once a month add doubt to her claims of innocence.

In most other things I trust her implicitly but sexually she has very little interest in me and I completely lack confidence with her ( and indeed with anyone else should the option arrise)
Its easy to blame the kids , work, exhaustion. Its easy to be paranoid and to focus on what she may or may not be doing with other/others. There is a perverse pleasure in trying to catch her out and reading her txts. Its easy In theory to look at "alternative" sexual relationships and to try and spice things up (or it would be if she would talk about sex) but I think this is an excuse. I think the problem is with me and Im at a loss to define it letalone deal with it.

Why am I so certain that she loves me but dosnt fancy me ? Apart from the fact that 2/3 years ago she told me as much and the sex has not improveds since.
How do I change it?
How can I get her to trust me again?

A first point of call has to be getting home early ( ie before 7:30 three nights a week). Which I have done now for several weeks . But being home when she is tired abusive and ratty reminds me of why I setteled into the pattern of working late. And at this point she goes to bed at about 8 to 840 with the eldest and sleeps through or else wakes at 12/1 am when I am in bed.

OK enough rant
Ive spilled my guts anyone care to do some scrivening? Advice?

[Kate]

Hey there,

I'm sure you're to blame for some of this, but not for it all. If your wife chose to marry you, she must have wanted to. I don't believe you're so boring as you make out or is it self pity speaking through your words??

I suspect that some of the sex problems are that you don't feel valued or respected and judge you have to live up to some sort of standard rather than being able to relax together and simply express your love for each other, which is what it's really all about.

It strikes me from what you've written that you aren't really communicating too well at any level. If you want some ideas then why not have a look here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) and here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/).

Also why not have a think about how you and she experience being loved - words actions, lovign attention, physical touch, gifts..?? You may well find that you aren't speaking the same language there. There's little point showering someone with gifts if all they want is for you to sit down and give them your attention, or saying nice things to them if they want to be touchy feely.

Probably the best strategy if you are concerned about her looking elsewhere is to make sure that home is as attractive as possible to her. Let the real you out and show her what wonderful man she has married. Go for it!!


Kate

:)

[Rochedale]

yes self pity is a BIG feature

I hurt Im Lonely and Boy could I do with -- some time and intimacy with my wife that didnt leave me feeling guilty or patronised.
that said
Im sure there is a lot in the stuff you point me too that may be usefull
Im thinking about a few of the quick lists tonight
She is away at her mums with the kids - so once i clean up in the house - Ill have no excuse not to do some searching.
thanks Kate A kick in the ass to do something on a regular basis is exactly what I need.

ps
reading through your relationship basics very usefull
however just a thought
am i abnormal or is the stuff on sex a little biased toward the "male" sterotype
Im 35. I dont get an erection like I used to when I was 19. Also being competent and caring in my sexual relationship is directly related to how confident I feel. If the relationship has problems that hits me and my libido with that person - just as much as it affects my female partner. Perhaps nowadays even more so, as if a guy cant get an errection a woman is far more likely to see it as his problem than because she isn't attractive or because she is doing something wrong.

[Kate]

Hey, yes your right you can't generalise about men and women's needs in lovemaking. If you're talking about the article on relationship basics then I did say “men often...” rather than always. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - just that some men are different from the generalisation. Trouble is many men and women don't realise the differences and assume the other should be like them, which is why we included that point in the article.

Your point about men struggling when things aren't going well in the relationship is very valid and happens quite often, especially I suspect when the balance of self confidence lies with the wife and not the husband. I think it's quite a sensitive area, where women can get at a man if they want to, which is sad. But it's also an area where a woman can show real love and affirmation for her man if she realises his self doubts. It's a difficult area to talk about if you don't communicate well and in a caring way overall.

Kate
:)