Jealous of first Lover

[packerman]

I have been married with my wife for 20+ years. The problem that I have is she was engaged to a very prominent person before she met me. She lived with him for 2 years. She was 23 years old when she started living with him. He was very good sexually and taught her many positions and skills in regard to making love. He was very good at making her enjoy sex which they had at least twice a day. I am very jealous that this man enjoyed my wife and was the one who taught her how to make love. I thought that this was something for the husband to do. My problem now is our kids are grown and gone and I have visions of my wife with this man. I am jealous and hurt by this. I am thinking of leaving my wife and living on my own. I know this is wrong but at this time I think it is the only thing that will set my mind free of this burden.... I know this is wrong but I quess it is how I feel... Thank you for your thoughts.

[yankeeatheart]

Have you lost your freakin' mind???

You're jealous of a previous lover who is 20 YEARS in the PAST???

Do you know how utterly INSANE that is???

You're willing to throw away 20 years because of someone she was with prior to meeting you?
It's GOOD that she had experience before you and NO it is not the husband's job to "teach" the wife! If anything, you should've sent this man a thank-you note!

Good luck to you with your decision. Hope you get your head out of your a$$.

[packerman]

thanks... i agree with what you are saying... except visualizing this asshole with my wife pisses me off.....but thank you

[Kate]

There's a simple solution - stop visualising it all!

It may be hard at first but with a bit of determination to force your mind onto something else everytime it happens, then I think you can beat it.

Don't you think that when your wife makes love with you, it's you she's wanting to express her love to, not someone from the past? Sex is not a technique - it's an expression of deep love for the other person. Isn't it about time you forgave her for her past and climbed out of what seems to be an inferiority complex and enjoyed the wonderful relationship you have now and can nurture into the future?

Kate

[yankeeatheart]

I just find it hard to believe you are fixating on this past lover after so many years have passed.
I feel like you want to be pissed off at your wife and maybe she is so damn (near)perfect that you really can't be pissed at her for anything, so you are focusing on someone she was with 20+ years ago and being pissed about that!

I mean, c'mon, what's really going on here?

You can't really be upset about this first lover. Not after all this time.

Did something happen to bring up his memory? Did she run into him?
You said the kids are gone now....are you just looking for an excuse to leave now that the kids are no longer "keeping you together"?
Look deep inside yourself and figure out why you are thinking about leaving your wife. Is it REALLY because of a past lover of 20 years before?

[packerman]

Kate,

you are correct. I do visualize them having mutual orgasms while having intercourse. they had great sex and I feel that sex is something for married people. I am insecure that I cannot be as great a lover as he was. I also feel that she has taken alot away from our relationship by giving her body to someone else. If I could not visualize this happening it would help. But I have a very clear image of her favorite position and her having earth shaking orgams with him.. which she admits... Do you think that love is more powerful for females(which we have) than great sex....

[Claire]

Speaking as a female....yes.

[Kate]

Erm, Packerman.

I didn't actually refer to what you were visualising and I actually don't think I want to know either. You seem to have an unnecessarily strong need to give us all the details, which I think is private between you and your wife and not really appropiate here.

I go back to my previous comment that you can do something about it - if and that's a big If, you actually want to. Do you????

Kate

[packerman]

yes i wish i could put it out of my mind... i have tried. but it comes back.. i get it out for a while and it comes back... i guess i have a problem i need to deal with... i wish i was perfect and could do what i know is correct... sorry for the details... they just are what is happening... thanks .. i will work on my insecurities....

[Dave]

Hi Packerman


There are some well established practices for dealing with visualisation problems. Can I suggest you find yourself a therapist with qualifications in NLP who will quickly be able to help you tune this out.

Let us know how you get on

Dave

[packerman]

what is nlp... thanks



Hi Packerman


There are some well established practices for dealing with visualisation problems. Can I suggest you find yourself a therapist with qualifications in NLP who will quickly be able to help you tune this out.

Let us know how you get on

Dave

[Dave]

NLP is "Neuro Linguistic Programming" - it is a set of models that help us understand the way we think and react, and to change these behaviours. The particular area I was referring to is usually known as "Time Line Therapy".


If you search on Google or similar for those terms, perhaps with your State name as well, you should find some practitioners in your region.

Dave

[JTA]

You say that your wife lived with this man for 2 years but finally split up. If he's supposed to be so marvellous and dynamic then why did they break up?

Your wife chose to marry YOU. She was obviously very attracted to you and must still be if she's still married to you! Stop worrying about techniques and positions. Why not fill your head with images of you and your wife making love instead of this other man?

Please try to put this out of your mind because to throw away a marriage of 20 years is very sad....... life is too short !!!

Think carefully before you do anything you may regret. Good luck

[Slumped]

Hi,

Just to say that I am experiencing the same problem and that I sympathise with you.
After 10 yrs of marriage to my wife I started torturing my self with this images. At the very beginning I had the same problem but I consciously managed to suppress this thoughts. I am trying the same method, but now it is much harder.
I don’t think that we can ever get indifferent to those thoughts and the only solution is to force them out of your head.

Regards,

[Rendal]

Hi there,

I have had similar problems with my husband, but not so severe.
Question? Were you a virgin when you met your wife
If yes, then I can understand your feelings, but you have no right to punish your wife for her past, if you couldn't hack it you should have found a virgin.
If no, then your ego is bigger than your love and as Dave suggested you need to get help with YOUR problem.
20 years is a long time to carry this fear around, for both your sakes, get help.

Rendal

[Sarah]

This is gonna sound really silly and make you laugh - but I actually had the same problem at the beginning of our marriage (we've been married almost 4 years!)... And you know what was really silly?!

My Husband was a virgin!!!! I was the one with a "background"... And yet I couldn't get my head around the fact that he thought about these two women he used to fancy in his carefree, single days!

It IS something that goes away. You need to remember that no matter how good this man was, or how "prominent", you're WIFE CHOSE to marry YOU. She CHOSE to stay with you for 20years. You can't possible be that bad in the bedroom if she chose to stay around for that long! Give yourself some credit man! :p

[packerman]

do most woman think sex is that big of a deal. i always wondered if she was thinking of him when we make love. what is most important sex or love and how would you weigh a very good lover in the matter.... important or not important...thanks i am still having problems but they are getting better. why would my wife not talk about him anymore... this also puzzles me.

[bridie]

To be blunt, I think you seem too obsessed with sex, and writing on public boards about it!
I think youve been quite disrespectfull to your wife in posting intimate details of her private life some 20 years ago.

She is YOUR wife, not his, and you should get over it. Unless you really are just looking for excuses to get out of the marriage, its bizarre that after all these years you are thinking of leaving her because of it. Is this a new fixation of yours, or have you given her a hard time about it for years?
Have you only recently found out about it? Even if you have, it still happend 20 YEARS AGO, i could understand if this was a affair when she was with you, and recently, but to visuaise her with him after 20 years is rediculas. She wasnt the person she is now, and neither are you.

If i was your wife, i would be humilated, , and horrified that you have posted personal details for everyone to read. Im sure she would be really upset, i know i would be so angry.

[Springheeled Jack]

Packerman,

Now cmon mate, dont dont anything that you will regret. She was with the Guy 20 years ago.

My wife has two kids by a guy before me, Ok she was last with him 12 years ago as my younger stepchild is 12. Yes, it was hard for me, but that is life my friend. I was so jealous of the guy, especially as she told me that she didnt want any more kids, yet she had two by this idiot that abandoned them.

Jealousy is a very powerful and dangerous thing. I was in danger of ruining a virtually new marriage. I learnt that what happened before I showed up, HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

It shouldnt matter to you what went on before she met you. As JTA said she chose to marry YOU. In this day and age, guys that go out with women exepct them to be virgins, it isnt the case my friend, sorry to disappoint you. Im 41 and I met my present wife 2 years ago. I knew even on our first date that she had relationships before. I wouldnt expect her not to.

It is easy to be jealous, or envious. In the Coffee Shop I asked what the difference was between jealousy and envy. Check it out and the replies that are there.

In my situation, was I jealous? Was I envious? Read it and you tell me.

To re iteract what JTA said, that if the guy was so marvellous and dynamic then why did they break up? She is with you now, and as you have been married for such a long time then you must be doing something right.

Pal, put him out of your head. Sweet Lord, if every bloke thought like you, no one would be together!! Dont you think that your wife might be wondering who you were with 20 years ago.

Friend it works both ways.

Let me know how you get on. DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID!!

Springheeled Jack

[Visitor]

Are you for real? Take a good look at the posts on this forum by people devasted by separation and who are trying to make sense of how their whole world fell apart. Then ask yourself if thats the road you want to take. You have your finger resting on the self destruct button, so take it off NOW. Sex isnt about how many positions you can do in one session, you are not in a porn movie for god sake! In short, wise up! You havent got a problem, except with yourself!!

[Concerned reader]

Twenty years....well, she obviously preferred you.


BTW, I have trouble remembering what I was like 20 years ago, let alone anyone else.

[packerman]

thanks for your replys.. I know that it was a long time ago... I just cant get the images of that man with my wife. I love her and am trying very hard. Your comments are helping me. Thanks and I would appreciate more you might have... They do help me.

[Hope]

I wish you could get those images out of your head and begin to enjoy life with your wife – life’s too short for all of this. At least your wife hasn’t been unfaithful – be grateful! My husband has been unafaithful and I’m now getting divorced even though I asked my husband to try to make our marriage work. I would love to be in your position right now with a faithful partner of whom I was still married to. Sorry if I sound a bit blunt and to the point only I think you need to look at the good points in the marriage and not dwell on something that happened 20 years ago!

[packerman]

Thanks for all your replys. I read them every time I have a setback. I realize that all your thoughts are correct. But sometimes I feel so hurt that I am sure I want to give my wife some of the hurt back. I am not sure this is the only thing going on but I feel that I am between a rock and a hard place. I had a bad setback a couple days ago and I do not feel comfortable being with her when this happens. I get an inward feeling and need to be alone for sometimes 3-4 days. She is always kind when this happens. But I really feel repulsed by her when these thoughts enter my mind. I want to do what is correct for both our lives long term. Do you think a seperation would help teach us what is and what is not important. I am thinking it will. I thought i could beat this on my own but I know now something has to happen to help settle this matter. I personally am against councelling because I feel it is a bandaid approach that covers up your true feelings.... which I feel will eventually emerge at a latter time.... thanks for all your thoughts...I wish I was able to do the things you have suggested. at this time I realize that I could be happier out of our relationship but I value my wedding vows and the childrens lives which I am sure would be hurt...

A very unperfect person

[Kate]

Dear Packerman,

Good to hear from you again. I'm sorry to hear that you are still having problems.

What has struck me, when I saw some of your other postings today, was that you think that porn can be sued in a marriage to help a relationship. You started this thread by saying you couldn't help visualising your wife with a lover from 20 years ago before you got married. I really wonder whether you have used porn and whether that has some relationship with your present difficutly. I find that images can intrude into love-making, but they can also be dealt with. I refuse to give them space and focus on my husband.

If you are in the habit of allowing pornographic or other images, not specifically related to you and your wife making love, space in your head, then you will also find it hard to beat images from your wife's past.

I am shocked that you are still taking it out on your wife when the solution is in your hands. If it was me in the situation then I would do whatever I could, even counselling to sort my head out so I could recover true and enduring closeness with my husband. As for counselling - it is not a bandaid approach. Good counselling will get to the depths of the problem. I certainly don't think a separation would help.


Kate

[bridie]

Hi Packerman...To be blunt, I think you NEED councelling, or hypnotherapy, or something, to still be feeling like you are. It must be horrible,but its your wife i feel most sorry for! To say you are "repulsed" by her, is incredibly damaging for her, and even if you havnt said it to her face, repulsion is not something that can be easily hidden, she must feel terrible. This poor woman has NOT been unfaithfull, has NOT left you, has NOT caused you any intentional pain, and has always been there for you... Do you read the other posts on this board? Are you aware of the issues, some serious and very very life-changing, that posters on here have?

Im sorry if im not being sympathetic, but really, thats because im not! There are people on here whose lives have been almost destroyed by spouses abandoning them, or having affairs, or having nervous breakdowns.. REAL problems. You have a loving, caring and , in your own words, kind wife, who has probably suffered greatly because you have been punishing her for doing nothing more than having a life before she met you...Did you not have partners??? And sorry Kate, but i disagree, i think it would be doing his wife a favour if he left, and let her find someone who will love her for the person she is, i for one would not want to spend a seconed in the company of someone who finds me repulsive... bridie

[smackie9]

Are you looking for an excuse to leave your wife, now that it's just the two of you? Time to focus on your future together. All the hard work is done. If I were you I would be looking forward to spending quality time with my spouse. Ya know..dinner, dancing, trips, etc. Having someone love and care about you for 20 years is a blessing. Time to move forward and get your head out of the past. Start making some treasured memories with your wife!