The Root Of The Problem

[Starmate]

Well, had a text message war with hubby on Saturday which resulted in him coming home and packing a bag. Thankfully, the situation turned around and we sat and talked for a couple of hours about our relationship. We agreed that we need to talk more, instead of bottling things up and having the usual blow out session which never works. He spoke about his on-line activity with 'the female' and that he was glad he had someone to talk to, not necessarily her, but just someone to listen. We agreed that the last year was hell for both of us, a lot went on outwith our relationship too which has obviously had an effect.

I told him everything, about how I felt - hurt, betrayed, at fault - and it took a long time for me to make him realise and accept that I was not overreacting and that these feelings are genuine and normal (given the situation). I had to go to great lengths to explain my feelings because I know that he would be thinking 'she's overreacting, her mind is working overtime, she will never let me forget this', and I was exactly right.

Anyway, we ended up going out for a nice meal and chatted for hours just like old times. We are trying to move on from this situation and for the first time, I actually feel we have got somewhere. We will strive to talk more and be open with each other. We have made some progress and I feel more content for the first time in weeks.

Will see how things go, fingers crossed.

Thanks to all for replying to my posts recently, especially Micou and Charlotte.

Love Star xxx

[Claire]

Well done Star....I really admire the way you handled yourself there. You have to be so careful how you word things so that it dosn't sound like you're trying to manipulate the situation or the other half. I'm glad things are moving in the right direction for you...may they continue to do so.

[noddy]

Good for you. Wish my husband would talk to me, instead he's bailed out of the marriage after 4 month's, without so much as a discussion with me!

[Starmate]

Hi Noddy,

Been reading your posts and I really really feel for you. Just hang in there. Communication is the key and it's very difficult at times. It took a lot for me to say what I did to my hubby on Sat. I know you haven't been married very long but if he wont speak with you then things are best left until he is ready and if that never happens? then you've had a narrow escape and you move on. Easier said than done I know, but better to have the good marriage that you deserve with someone you can talk to unconditionally. I am not in a position to give the best advice, but I do wish you well and hopefully no matter what happens, that the outcome benefits you in the long run.
Take Care
Star xxx

[noddy]

Thanks Star...you really are a 'star' ha!

[Starmate]

Hi All,



Just wanted to post, things have turned upside down again in the last week. Not only have I struggled to speak to hub about everyday things, I came home yesterday to find that he has been back in chat rooms and also looking at porn on the Internet. I asked him about it when he came home, he couldn't even look me in the face and talked as tho I was over reacting again. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he had been using the chat rooms for months, usually when I used to wake up during the night and he was on he PC. Now he tells me that he looks at porn a lot too, as if it is nothing, trying to make light of the situation. He is coming across again as tho he really doesn't care but I don't know whether it's because he is trying to make out it's nothing. I told him last night that I really wasn't happy and asked him outright if he was having an affair. He said no, but was almost as tho he really couldn't be bothered with the hassle of explaining again. He seems to forget that he brought this situation to our door and continuously turns the situation around to make it look like my fault.



I made the mistake of going back into the chat room last week (signed in as him again) and spoke with another woman he has been chatting to. She told me that my hub was 'gagging for extra marital sex' and wanted to know why he had 'changed his tune'. She also told me about things he had said previously to another girl and what he said he would like to do to her. I was disgusted and managed to fire that into the conversation last night. He said he cannot remember saying that to anyone and if he did, then he was drunk at the time. He thinks it's all really funny but I certainly don't and I believe that he did say these things. He's been playing along with people, myself included, in his trail of lies. I am really so tired of being hurt, I don't know how on earth my heart is still beating.



I told him last night that I was going to pack a bag, no response from him which I expected. But I had to think long and hard about that because of my daughter whom I don't want to drag into this mess. I know it can't be doing her any good being in the middle of all this, but I have to be sure about what I am doing. If I leave, then I will have to go to my mums whom I really don't want to upset and who will also kill him for this. So I am feeling rather stuck at the mo.



I told hub before that I felt blamed and responsible for everything and it took me a long time to get that through to him (I don't think he even quite grasped that in the end!) because everything has been turned on me. I also feel like such a fool for putting up with this.



I really don't know where I will go from here. He is going out (again) on Friday night with his work and is staying overnight. The other person from his work is male but is really immature and I get the impression that he would try and mislead hubby (I know thats a bit of a contradiction). Hub always talks about this guy, non stop as if he was the best thing since sliced bread! and the thought of spending another weekend with him, struggling to talk and him hungover really doesn't appeal. He has made me hate him and it's gradually wearing away. A week ago we were talking about trust in our relationship, this week he goes and does that! My instinct tells me that it wont matter if I stay or go, if I stay I will feel like this again whether it be next week or next year, if I go I spare myself and my daughter from the inevitable pain and hurt.

Hub is well respected in my family, everyone thinks the world of him. I need to be really sure I want this to be the end.



I told Noddy in a previous post that communication was the answer, which it is. Hub says that the reason he had an on-line relationship was because I wasn't there for him. Hmm.. that strikes me as being odd since he now wont communicate even tho he is at fault here. Just wondering how many more skeletons are in the closet!



Any comments are appreciated.

Love Star xxx

[Kate]

Hi there,

I felt really sad when i read your post. Whatever perceived need your husband had when he started down his present road onto internet pornography and sex, it is his responsibility that he is choosing to stay there. Now you've had conversations about things in your relationship not being satisfying for him, what is he doing about it? It takes two to keep a marriage strong. Does he want it to continue?

Sadly most people who get drawn into internet infidelity don't see it as serious, it's somehow virtual and make believe. They deceive their partners and then themselves, but it is an addiction which I don't believe can ever strengthen a marriage. It can only ever be destructive. I presume you've had a look at the resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/).

Until your husband is prepared to give up his "relationship" with the internet, I don't see how you can make any real progress on any other issues you may have, just as other marriages can't make progress until the mistress is left behind. If you can't accept the third parties in your marriage then perhaps you need to tell him so and help him to face up to the choices you both have ahead.

I know you don't want to drag your daughter into this mess, but somehow you need to get through to your husband how seriously you take his actions. The problem is not going to go away.

I wish I could be more reassuring and I do hope that he will realise the hurt he is causing and take some responsibility for it.

Kate

[Starmate]

Hello Kate,
Thank you for your reply. I know exactly what you are saying. I have tried and tried to make him accept that he's even slightly responsible for the state of our marriage. I have apologised and accepted that we have had quite a rocky time in the last year but it was not all my doing. For weeks I have been feeling blamed for everything and to keep me strong I continually have to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong but it's so hard.

For months and months I have craved my hubs attention obviously not realising what he's been up to. I feel physically sick when I think about what I have found out and seen these last few weeks.

I have just called him and asked him to leave tonight, I think that it's best. He is blaming me and I am blaming him, he didn't sound happy on the phone, but if he doesn't leave then I will have to. I suppose I have resigned myself to the fact that this is going no where. I also think back and realise that I haven't been physically happy in a long time. I can see that now.

I pray to God I am doing the right thing.

Thanks again.
Star xxx

[Claire]

Good luck Star...be brave :)

[Starmate]

Well folks, hub has gone, I feel like crap and trying desperately to convince myself I have done the right thing. He has gone until Sunday (his choice, but I know thats because he has a weekend away planned or maybe other activities which I dont know about). He didnt seem too bothered actually, but thats him all show. He started babbling on about money and who gets the house etc. I said that I hadn't thought that far ahead that him leaving was enough for now.
So that's it, and I feel awful even though I asked him to go.

Love Star xxx

[Starmate]

Hi All,
Hub came home today to pick up a few things, obviously called me first to make sure I wasn't at home. He was on the Internet though, left all the evidence in the history folder (which he ALWAYS deletes), so he has been in a Web Site for housebuying. Looks like he didn't delete the files on purpose this time so I would find them.
I am almost certain that I want out of this relationship but the future is what worries me. I think I can cope with the end of our marriage but it's the uncertainty that is scary.
Hub is coming back on Sunday to discuss financial matters, I dont know how I will cope with that, even the thought of seeing him, being in his company makes me nervous.
I'm hanging in there by a thread at the mo.

Star xxx

[Claire]

Hello Star,

He know's you're going to check the computer so is he just being a git leaving evidence of websites that he knows will upset you or is he trying a bit of emotional blackmail? Kind of "she'll panic if she sees this and beg me to come back..."? How deep or devious is he?

One more thing, take your time. If you don't feel you can cope with seeing him on Sunday then don't. I read somewhere recently (during my late night trawls through the internet desperatly searching for answers) that you don't have to do anything or make any desisions until you're ready to. Don't go doing things just because you think you should or because other people tell you you should. Like I say just take your time and do it when you're ready, another couple of days or weeks won't kill him.

Hang in there Love,

Claire

[Starmate]

Hi Claire,
Well jumped in with both feet yesterday, in a weak state I called hub and asked him to home for a talk. Turns out he has been staying at his mums, which I thought already anway. I knew just from that how serious he was taking this coz he never speaks to his parents about anything, he even lies to them to spare them gory details about anything.

Anyway, he came for a while, our daughter was all over him like a rash obviously realising all was not ok. We talked and he said that he wants to be here with me and our daughter, no where else. I went through a particularly difficult time last year and was on medication which made me sleepy and numb. He said that he found it difficult having no one to talk to at this time hence his regular use in the chat room. As I gradually recovered from the med, he said I was becoming the person I used to be but found himself entangled in chat room addiction come this time. He still insists that he hasn't physically done anything, I do believe that, but I explained that he is guilty of hurting me and our daughter and obviously didn't realise the extend of the damage he had caused. He does now though, he finally does. As for the porn sites, he says that he doesn't access them on a regular basis and that it's a 'guy thing'. I am trying to keep this in perspective. We have been together for 10 years and I don't think I want to walk away from that, however I dont want to live to regret the decision to take him back. He says he loves me, that I am a good wife and mother and wants to come home and work this out.
He left with the image that we were getting back together, he is coming home on Saturday and we will talk more then. I have told him that I cannot go back to the life we have had not just recently, but for months before that. He agrees.
When he is not around I can see more clearly about what I think is best, but when I see him I really want him. I know it would be easy to take him back and get back into the comfort zone. I know that because the situation has finally resulted in a break from each other that we 'could' put this behind us and move on.
Question is tho, is that really for the best and do I really love him enough to try??
Love Star xxx

[Claire]

Yeh Star!! You sound so much stronger today...I'm really pleased.

Men look at porn, it's a fact, it's because they get turned on visually because they're useless...better to look though than to touch. Your husband has wandered into that new blurred area, there's no touching but the mind is working and it can be addictive, even my mother inlaw got back in touch with an old school friend and developed, I hesitate to say it, but it was almost like a crush on this man. She was always on about him and emails were flying between here and Australia. The reason was this man was giving her loads of attention that she wasn't getting at home, it wasn't sexual but in her head it didn't matter. I'm not saying you don't give your husband enough attention, but I do know how you must have been while on that medication...probably similar to how I was with the years of postnatal...distant and perhaps even cold, certainly not in the mood to massage someones ego regually or jump into bed every five seconds.
If your husband didn't want to be with you then you'd have done him a favour by throwing him out, it'd save him the nasty job of having to leave you so there's no way he'd say he wanted to come back if he didn't. Do you need the pc for work or can it be unplugged and put in the attic for a while?

Remember what I said about not making desisions until your ready...take your time, figure out what YOU want....go girl :)

[Starmate]

Claire, you've been a great help to me over the last couple of days. Thanks.
Love Star xxx

[Claire]

The feeling's mutual Star. I thank my lucky stars (no pun intended) that I found this website and for all the help and support I've got here. It's been good to be able to rabbit on about my own stuff and hopefully I've given a few words of help or encouragement to other people on the way.

We all have different versions of the same problem:- our lives have gone pear shaped. I hope we can get control back and that we'll all be happy again soon.

[Claire]

Just thinking of you Star...hope it's all going well.