Help with moving forward

[SRJ]

Would really appreciate some advice with my current situation. I've been feeling extremely low about everything over the last 4 weeks since my partner told me she had a fling with a work colleague. What I'm finding very difficult to cope with is the fact that the work colleague, lets call him D, and my partner are still close friends even though my partner assures me that it was just a 'one night stand' and won't happen again. I am so confused, hurt, angry and upset and cannot see a way forward with our relationship.

I'm 26 as is my partner and we have been together for 7 years. My partner moved in with me 4 years ago, everything was fantastic until she started with her current employer 3 years ago. D and herself started at the same time and his name would regularly crop up in conversation. I first became suspicious 2 years ago when I found a 'flirty' text message on my partners phone. She assured me that it was unprovoked and meant nothing. I believed her and thought nothing more of it. Gradually over time I began to feel like my partner was excluding me from her work social functions (i was never invited for a night out) and sensed something wasn't quite right. I made my feelings known to her but she assured me nothing was wrong and I had nothing to worry about. From my point of view the bond between her and D had grown very strong, they would regularly meet in a group and/or alone for drinks after work (she would say she was having a drink with some work coleagues) and she would also regularly give him lifts to/from work. When away on company business they would meet up (if their reason for business was close by) and have a meal out. Although suspicious at the amount of time they would have together I wasn't worried as my partner would always tell me where she was and what she was doing and I totally trusted her. She said they were just good friends and I shouldn't worry as he has a girlfriend.

The bombshell was dropped 4 weeks ago when my partner came home to say we needed to talk. She told me she had to tell me something and couldn't keep it from me any longer. She said her and D had slept together, only once about a year ago at a company function. Obviously I was devastated by this....I asked her why and her first answer was 'I had to do it', now she says she doesn't know. She also admitted she has feelings for D but they are not as strong as the feelings she has for me. She said she is very sorry for the hurt she has caused and doesn't want to lose me or our relationship.

I can accept what has happened, I know these things do happen but what I don't understand is why she did it? For some excitement, curiousity? I asked if anything was wrong with us..the reply 'No'. She said she doesn't want me to change and is happy with everything. She also keeps saying how sorry she is.

I am also bothered by the fact that she is still close friends with D, I have recently learned that he actually left his girlfriend for my partner. She even told me he said this to her. I asked if she wanted our relationship to end..the answer no. What is she playing at? Is she leading D on? Is she leading me on? Surely for him to leave his girlfriend in the hope of having mine means they have been closer than I would like to think. I really don't know what to do or what to think. How do we go on? My partner says she wants to be with me and only me.

Its particularly difficult as a recent promotion means my partner and D will be regularly going away on company business together. Knowing what has happened between them in the past is really getting me down. I will worry that she will once again give into temptation.

I've been really hit hard by this. Finding it hard to concentrate at work, sleep, eat and even talk to my partner without arguing. How do we go forward? How can I be sure that her and D won't get close again given that they will actually be closely working together for most of this year?

My partner has said all she can to reassure me but I don't trust her anymore. I can't believe she has done this to me,we've been through so much together and over the years I have given her so much support and encouragement in difficult times. Just feel absolutely shattered by the whole situation.

[completelygutted]

Hi SRJ,

I'm sorry to hear your story and read about what you are going through. It's an awful situation and is tearing you to peices inside. It's a very similar story to mine although your partner has been honest with you and told you what has happened. My wife has done this to me before and has done it again. Have a read of my story in the marriage help section, some of the responses may be useful to you.

You obviously want to make your relationship work but have doubts about the best way to do that. Your partner also seems to want it to work. If both of you want to make it work then it can be done but you have to work at it together and be completely honest about your feelings with each other. I also think, and as harsh as this may sound, that your partner needs to cut all ties with D. There is only one real way for her to do that considering the situation but I don't think she should continue to be in contact with this guy, even if that contact is purely business. It is no reassurance to you whatsoever that she continues to be friends with him, continues to be in contact with him and continues to go away on business with him.

In my opinion, and it is just an opinion (many may disagree), she needs to leave her job. Yes, it takes both people in a relationship to make it work but SHE created this situation and she needs to rectify the situation if you are going to make it work. It's a lot to ask of her. Ultimately only you can decide what's right but given the facts in your message my opinion is she needs to quit.

Remember, there's many people thinking of you throughout this time. If you need to chat you can e-mail me instead of posting on here if you'd prefer. However, it is good to post publicly because you receive more opinions and help others in the process.

Stay strong.

Andy

[SRJ]

Andy,

Many thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

I think you are right in what you say about my partner quitting her job. She does need to cut all ties with D if we are to move forward. This really upsets me but I don't think she will ever leave her work - her career has everything she has ever wanted in a job and she is doing very well. The company she works for really looks after its employees and she has very good prospects.

My career has stagnated over the last 2 years mainly because I have turned down good opportunities in other parts of the country (and even abroad), I was thinking of my partner's career - I didn't want to drag her away from her place of work. I don't regret this, its a choice I made as I was thinking of OUR future and OUR happiness together.

Tough decisions lie ahead I think. Possibly I need to think about my personal happiness and what is best for me. Very difficult because since we've been together everything I have done I have considered its impact on US.

Thanks for your support Andy - I will read your story in the marriage section. No doubt you too are going through a very difficult time and my prayers are with you.

SRJ

[valdeem]

Dear SRJ,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your girlfriend. My heart goes out to you. I'll be frank, I haven't been through that kind of thing. But one thing I know is that prayer is the best remedy for affairs of the heart. Sometimes the best human advice can be wrong, so I won't offer any. Just ask Divine Love, I call Father-Mother God, what to do. You'll get an answer. Maybe it will be
what Andy suggested. But you never know.

I realize that once trust has been compromised it's hard to regain it. But, you know, it is possible. Things change and can change for the better.
On the other hand, sometimes we need to let go, even of those we hold dear, to move onto a deeper relationship that has a stronger foundation. So if I were to give any advice....keep on loving the best you can and wait for the disposal of events before doing anything sudden.

In her chapter on marriage, spirituality writer, Mary Baker Eddy (married herself 3x) gives the following advice..."Thus should we deport ourselves on the seething ocean of sorrow. Hoping and working, one should stick to the wreck, until an irresistible propulsion precipitates his doom or sunshine gladdens
the troubled sea. (Science and Health)"

Hope this helps.

[SRJ]

Oto taki dila ャッ卜 <a href= http://italy.wmjblogs.ru>sesso mature</a>
sesso italiano . ragazze troie (http://italy.wmjblogs.ru)

[Dave]

How about booking two tickets to see BA on the 26th and just tell her you've booked a special surprise for that date?


Dave

[SRJ]

Dave,

I've booked them on-line just now! I won't say anything and just carry on as normal (well as normal as it has been!). Suppose it'll be a surprise either way!

Doesn't feel right me peeking at my partner's text messages. All I really want is a bit of honesty from her so I know exactly where this relationship is going.

I'll keep you all posted on any developments........

[completelygutted]

Hi SRJ,

No one can blame you for looking through her text messages. I have done the same thing myself on more than one occasion and I'm sure I'll do the same again. Yes, it's an invasion of privacy and I'm not proud of doing it but I felt it was necessary. My wife was so obviously not telling me the truth and I wanted (and deserve) the truth. I therefore decided to find the truth out for myself. Well, I decided to at least find part of the truth and confront her with it.

I was going to suggest buying a pair of tickets for the gig myself but someone has already done so and you've already bought them. Now, the question is, do you tell her now and see how she reacts or do you sit it out and see what happens between now and then? I'm guessing you're doing the latter which is probably what I'd do. What are you going to do? Wait until the day of the gig and take her there? What will you do if, nearer the time, she says that she's away with work or out with friends? Would it be unusual for her to to be away with work on a Saturday?

I hope it was just an innocent text message following on from a conversation they had had at work. It may just be that they'd been talking and he'd said he was going to try and get tickets and then decided to let her know because he was excited.

Andy

[SRJ]

Andy,

I do feel bad about looking at her text messages but I just think it will help me establish exactly where this relationship is going. Like you say, you just want to know the truth!

The plan is to not say anything about the concert until nearer the time, she rarely works at weekends (and when she does it's in the office and not away) and I think it will be difficult for her to produce an excuse for this one! Hopefully it is an innocent text message, I did look at her phone throughout the weekend and only a few messages from D appeared.....none of them were 'flirty' or suggestive at all and she didn't reply to any of them (according to her outbox). All were sort of 'Hi how's things' etc etc. To be fair to my partner she didn't even switch her phone on over the weekend (except Saturday when she was shopping in Manchester with friends - and yes she was definitely shopping with friends in Manchester and not with D at all, she returned late Sat night with lots of clothes and shoes in Manchester carrier bags), it was just left 'off' in her handbag. We had alot of quality time together and it felt almost as good as it used to before she told me about her and D.

So a good weekend for both of us...lots of talking and a few tears. She still maintains that she wants us to work things out and even suggested for both of us to move out of the area and change jobs. (like what you said Andy in a previous post about cutting ties with D). I said she needs to think very carefully about what she wants and decide if its with me or not. I love her so much but after this episode I think I'm better prepared for the worst than I was. She still says that she has feelings for D but keeps saying she has much stronger feelings for me. She even wants me to accompany her to her next company do in a couple of weeks (first time she has asked for a while). I'm a bit apprehensive about going because D is there and it'll be the first time I'll see him since she told me about the two of them! Can you give me advice on how to deal with this? Obviously I have feelings of wanting to give him a good hiding but perhaps I should just tell him that I know what has happened between him and my partner and to just keep away from me during the evening? How should I play this?

Still confused though! I'm worried that she's being 'nice' because of her Dad's birthday soon and I don't know if she means what she says. I'll probably keep peeking at her phone to see if I can get any more clues but its dangerous because I could interpret things wrongly! I'm taking each day as it comes but still have difficulty sleeping and eating. Hopefully things will get better...we'll wait and see. 2-in-2-1 has been an absolutely brilliant discovery and has certainly helped me cope better with my situation.

SRJ

[completelygutted]

"Can you give me advice on how to deal with this? Obviously I have feelings of wanting to give him a good hiding but perhaps I should just tell him that I know what has happened between him and my partner and to just keep away from me during the evening? How should I play this?"

SRJ,

Hmmmm, tricky one. First off I'd ask your partner to cease any contact with D that is not business related. That means her asking D not to text her and her not responding to any text messages that he may still send in addition to any other social contact they may have. I'd do that now. It's not unreasonable.

At the work social event I don't know how you should play it. Only you can decide that and even then whatever you decide could be overridden by a momentary takeover of emotion.

For example, the last time I went through this situation, I went to the pub with my wife (then fiance) and a load of her work mates. I went with the intention oof being nice and pleasant (extremely calm and pleasant which must have come as a surprise to the other guy) and civil to everyone including the other guy. At the end of the night (I'd only had a few so it wasn't alcohol taking over - just raw anger) we were about to leave when I walked over to him, shook his hand, kept hold of it very, very, very tightly, pulled his ear close to my mouth and made a very calm word of warning to him. I then released his hand, looked into his eyes and said very calmly "clear" to which he replied "yes". Needless to say, my fiance was not impressed (but hey, that wasn't the idea. I didn't want to impress anyone, it was a spur of the moment thing.

Further down the line, right after it had all come out, and before my fiance and I decided to stay together and make a go of things, I went to his house. When he opened his front door the look of horror on his face was etched into my mind. I swear he had pee'd his pants. He must've wondered how on earth I had found out where he lived and he certainly knew why I was there. I'm not a violent person but irrationality had taken over my body once again. Fortunately rational thought returned and I simply said that I had given him a warning, he had not taken heed of that warning, and this was the final warning. Stay away or next time it could be more than just a quiet word.

Of course, looking back, what I did was wrong. It didn't do me any good, it didn't do my fiance any good and at the end of the day, the other guy is only partly responsible. Yes, he knew he shouldn't but at the same time so did she.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that you need to try and keep rational thought in your head AT ALL TIMES. Otherwise you could wreck any chance of being invited back to a social event. You could also wreck your relationship.

i don't think it could do any harm letting him know that you are aware of the situation. He may already know that you know but letting him know that you've accepted it can't do any harm. Also, if your partner does ask him to stop texting etc and he doesn't, you could always drop that in too, mid conversation is always good. You could start a conversation about a joke or something you received by text, then, as the conversation develops, drop in something like "oh yeah, I though my partner asked you to stop texting her? Why do you still do it?, If you had any respect for her then surely you'd respect her wishes and stop!"

Maybe that's a bad idea, I don't know. Either way, you're not resorting to violence or threats of violence, but you're getting the message across.

Keep us updated SRJ.

Andy

[SRJ]

Well its been a while since I last posted and I just thought I needed to write to get a few things off my chest…not sure it will benefit any readers but I suppose it will give people an insight as to how I'm coping after discovering my partner's infidelity a few months ago.

We are still together and I think my partner is trying to make a go of our relationship but the problem is I'm just not sure if its what I want anymore. Yes the dust has settled after the devastation of discovering my partners fling with a work colleague but after asking her not to continue with the social contact she used to have with him (lifts to/from work, lunch, texts) I have found a lot of evidence to suggest she is still carrying on with the friendship. I don't think they are still having a physical relationship but I think they still mix socially (lifts, lunch, texts etc) and this is what has been tearing me apart. If she wants to continue with me why is she still 'leading him on'. He definitely has strong feelings for my partner, I'm sure she has feelings for him. Why can she not just tell me what is going on? I have asked so many times what she wants and she always says she wants me but is unsure as to whether we have a future together. Very strange now as I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all this, my instincts tell me to move on and not to put myself through this any longer but after all these years its difficult. I've tried to take a step back and think why she has done this…I don't think I'm a bad person to live with and I don't feel I've neglected her in any way to drive her away from me. Perhaps she has decided I'm not the one for her and sees more of what she wants with her work colleague. I'm finding it increasing more difficult to talk to her and seem to get a lot of bad 'vibes' from her…sometimes it feels like she is ashamed to be with me or be seen with me, maybe that's not true but its how she makes me feel. I don't think she's in love with me anymore and I'm going to have to accept this hard as it is. At the moment I cannot see much of a future with this relationship…I wish she would be honest with me and tell me now (I've asked her so many times if she wants us to end, if she wants me to leave and she always says no but also always says she doesn't know what she wants). What do I do? If she genuinely wanted our relationship to carry on then I would really try, she claims she does and agreed not to see D socially but she does still see him? Maybe I need the strength to take the first steps and move out….that should make things clearer….for me and her.

Does anyone think that taking the first steps and moving out will help? I have been very very unhappy over the last few months because of this and friends have noticed that I have become more withdrawn. I think it has also affected my performance at work. No-one knows about my problems except 2-in-2-1…perhaps I should see someone about this because its not doing me any good. I seem to have lost my self confidence and self esteem. I'm trying to carry on but its so hard…and it gets harder everyday.

SRJ

[Alan]

SRJ - my heart goes out to you sir.

I know exactly where you are right now, and it is not an easy place to be.

Work is suffering and your whole fabric of life is crumbling.

The next step you take will be the most important one you make for a wee while and so my advice is to think very carefully what YOU want.

Your partner has, in my opinion, steadfastly ignored your feelings in all of what she's done and would seem intent on lying to you. It's time to confront the whole issue head on. It either D or yourself she wants and any, repeat any hesitation means it's time for you to move on hard as that may be.

I know this is the best way.

[maria c]

just wanted to say that you seem a very well balanced person going thu a difficult time. I may be wrong but maybe what you need are boundaries. If you said to your wife I am uncomfortable with xyz eg text messages and lifts etc. i dont think this is being possessive but she could at least listen to why you are not happy. it seems to me ther is often one who is happy with there lot and one who is looking for more and it is up t o you how you deal with it. Project the message to your wife that you are worth more and you may get the love and respect you want. Let her know you are happy for her to have friends as long as she is honest and includes you in the friendships. You deserve that as you are the most important person in her life and she obviously still believes that but you need to be strong and believe in your own worth too.

Take care

Maria

[SRJ]

All,

Sadly my relationship is over. The past month has been very difficult, my partner trying to make a go of things but it has been awkward. I thought we were getting somewhere but then I discovered more text messages from D on my partners phone. Very flirty, all saying how much they missed each other when apart etc etc. Made me feel really really sick, particularly after my partner said she wanted to make a go of things and agreed not to see D socially.

Turns out that throughout this episode she has still been seeing D behind my back. I confronted her with everything the other night, admitted that I had been checking her texts and asking her to explain them and why she just couldn't be honest with me. I feel awful for looking at her phone but I needed to know if she was being honest with me, I needed to know if she really wanted our relationship to work. Clearly she didn't, clearly she prefers D's company to mine and wanted to carry on their relationship whilst still living with me. I'm so deeply hurt and upset by this.

We agreed we have no future as a couple and decided that we should go our separate ways. Its a horrible feeling, I haven't done anything wrong but I know that over time people change, feelings change, mine haven't, hers have...its something I will have learn to accept.

Tough time ahead. I'm currently looking for a new job as well (whilst all this has been going on at home have also had alot of problems at work....unrelated but both reared their heads at the same time!) but now with my relationship over I can expand my search to other parts of the country. I need to think about what's best for me now and I need to take care of myself. It'll break my heart to see our house sold, our stuff being separated....we'll work it out amicably but even the thought has brought tears to my eyes. I feel like all my dreams, wishes and hopes for the future have been dashed. In reality I know I can still achieve them but they are just on hold for a while.

Thanks to all of you who have responded over the last few months. Its a reassurance to know that I'm not alone and people out there care.

Now I go forward to begin a new chapter in my life...I hope this numb, sick pain will gradually disappear. I don't hate my partner, I wish her the best and I hope she gets what she wants in life. 7 years is a long time to be with someone and it will take me a long long time to get over.

SRJ

[Alan]

SRJ - I'm really sorry to read your news. It's a sad situation and I understand fully how you feel. Betrayal is a terrible 'crime' and the feeling takes time for it to go away.

All the best.

Alan