sad

[in love with husbands friend II]

i posted a message a couple of weeks ago about my husband and his friend. okay, well this is what has been going on. i have not talked to "the friend" in a couple of weeks. he did call and tell me that he could not be friends with me b/c he feels so attracted to me and he gets angry when i dont leave my husband. (this is all so messed up) while the affair was going on, he would still stop by to hang out with my husband which i think is messed up b/c he should feel guilty 2. i know that it is so hard for me to look at my husband b/c of how guilty i feel. i dont understand how he could come by. i have been upset b/c we have not spoken, but im trying to remain strong b/c i know it is not right. i came in last night, and there he was sitting on the couch with my husband. it felt like a knife had been stuck in me. we did not say a word and he said he was on his way out. its just really hard for me to get over this when we both have the same friends. i know we are going to run into each other. one of my other friends, (who is also his) is going to have a talk with him letting him know that its not right for him to come by my house when i am trying to move on and because its bad for him to do that to my husband. im hoping that will be closure. i know what i have done is horrible and it is something i will have to live with the rest of my life. sometimes im not sure if i can handle the guilt. my best friend does not think that i should tell my husband if we are gonna try to work things out. but i dont see how i can have a good relationship with him when i have this huge secret that would kill him. im not sure if it is even going to work out. i have been trying to talk to him more and he has been really trying too. but im still feel like something is missing. i dont connect with him. i feel very lonely. i have told him these things and i cant give him a reason why i feel this way. i have had these feelings long before the other man came around. i dont know what to do. right now, i feel sufficated and hopeless. Oh, and ive been trying to remember the reasons why i fell in love with him, and i cant. i think perhaps i was never in love with him. i love him... but as far as those "exciting feelings" your suppose to have in the beginning.... i never did. im hopeless.... what is going on with me?!?!?!

[Unreg]

It would help to read your post if you capitalised in the correct places. This is probably the cause of your marriage problems.

Your welcome.

[Liz]

Hi "Sad",

Well done for making the break. That's the first step, but it isn't going to put things right straight away.

I agree with your friends that it may not be best to tell your husband. It's the reason you want to tell him that's important. When we let each other down, we hope that by confessing things we may feel relieved. That's not a good enough reason. Surely the only reason to tell your husband is in order to seek forgiveness and keep openness and trust in your relationship, and to strengthen it.

How do we cope when we've done something we know is wrong and are plagued by guilt and self condemnation? I think it helps to recognise the mistake we have made and our responsibility for it and to do what is in our power to put it right.

You talk about the loss of those exciting feelings. That is really common in a relationship when we emerge from the romantic, rose coloured spectacles stage of a relationship to face the fact that we are both imperfect people. Disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) sets in. Some people give up then and go in search of some hypothetical perfect person. Others realise that there must be more to love than the romantic feelings made so popular by Hollywood and the media.

I see love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) as a commitment and a decision, a decision to act in a way that shows care for your husband or wife. When you love some one deeply you want what's best for them even if it costs you something. It's about acting positively even when you don't feel positive and loving. This is not like some prison sentence. Lots of people have found that loving like that actually brings a greater joy and actually strengthens their relationship.

You're feeling lonely right now bcause your relationship with your husband has drifted. Your emotional needs are not being met by the relationship, but you can change that by making an effort to get involved again. There are lots of resources on the site frrfo folks whose marriage is drifting along. You can find them here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Don't let your guilt and disillusionment defeat you, why not find a way forward together.

Liz