Unhappily married

[Micou]

Can anyone give me some advice please? I have been married for 8 years. We have three children. We have experienced our own share of ups and downs - like everyone else. However, I find that whenever I approach him for a hug or non-sexual affection that he rejects me, usually by saying that this is not the right time - and unfortunately, there never is a right time with him. Whenever I try to get any form of affection from him, I am rejected or put down i.e. if I ask if he still loves me, he will sigh and simply say that he wouldn't still be with me if he wasn't or he will tell me to stop being silly. It has reached the point where I am actually scared to hold him, because I know that I will be rejected or be met with sarcasm rather than the tenderness that I am looking for.

I love him very much, but I find his coldness more and more difficult to live with, to the point that I am thinking of leaving, because I have tried every way to get close to him, but it always ends the same way. I am hurting so much inside that it feels like I could burst. I love this man so much, why is being so hurtful and yet he seems happy and jolly with everyone else, but just miserable with me. Has anyone else experienced this? Can anyone help me please?

[David Harris]

First of all have a hug from me :)

I think he probably doesn't realise how you feel inside and you need to get him to realise how much he is hurting you by just taking you for granted.

Are you aware that there are special retreats for married couples who have the same sort of problems you described? I think you could tell your hubby how you feel and ask him if you could go away together to one of those places to see if they can help you both understand each other better and hopefully heal your marriage.

[Micou]

Hi David
Thanks so much for the hug - just reading that first sentence lifted my day. Thank you for that!

I've tried suggesting we go away, just the two of us, but he is never keen. Everything that I suggest with regard to improving our marriage gets crushed and never given a chance to be proven right or wrong. I wish that he would at least try, just for my sake to show that he is remotely interested in me - aside from sex, but I always get moved out of the way in favour of better things.

It's hard when you want a loving and caring relationship - I don't need him to spend any money on me for anything, but I just need some of his time and affection and it makes my day, but I feel like I am asking for too much because rejection is what I always experience.

[Kate]

I would support David's recommendation of an enrichment weekend. You can find out about them here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). . They don't have to be seen as solving a problem, but as a great way to spice up your marriage.

Another thought is that the two of you may communicate love very differently. This is something that Gary Chapman talks about in his book The Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/). He talks of five ways that we express or experience love, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. you could try getting your husband to tell you what it is that you do or say that helps him to know you love him and then you can tell him what works for you, which I would guess is physical affection but not necessarily tied to sex. By starting with what he needs and wants, you're acknowledging that you are interested in his needs as well as your own and acknowledging it's ok to be different as long as you inderstand each other.

Sometimes when our loved one finds it hard to listen to us, it helps to write them a loving letter, telling them how we feel and what we need, but being careful not to blame them for any difficult feelings that we have. Writing things down helps us to find the right words and to get it all out before a frown or other body language puts us off. A letter can be re-read to ensure it's been understood.

Don't give up just yet, there are ways to unlock your communication.

Kate

[Micou]

Hi Kate

Thanks for your response. I used to send him notes, emails just to let him know that I was thinking of him, but he doesn't like those.

I guess it's time to smell the coffee really - stop kidding myself. :confused:

Thanks for your support.

Big hugs

Micou

[hold_your_ground]

Wow-

you do have an issue on your hands, this is really difficult, my instinct tells me that your kids are going to be the answer by being the gravity that can pull you both into closer orbits again.
I'm a guy, with all the inherent guy problems and one thing I can attest to is basically not knowing/believing the extent of the crisis in my partner until it's too late. We're sort of dull blunt blades when it comes to emotions. I think if you were to approach him and put it honestly that come whatever may you might start falling out of love with him he might get a better idea of what he has on his hands. I think men think the women is not going to leave and the truth is men can exist in an emotional vacuum a lot longer. Maybe you can't leave, it doesn't matter, removing your love from (which will happen eventually anyway) is much more important and he should know it. What happens after that is out of your hands. I would try that last because it's aggressive but when you're back is to the wall that's where you are!
just communicate the sense of urgency and do it removed from the regular scenery, make sure he reads you loud and clear, and then start a clock you both can keep your eye on to measure progress.

[Micou]

Thanks for your feedback. I am especially grateful that you have posted from a male point of view. Tell me something? If your wife tried to approach you to give love and affection (no strings attached) how would you feel? I am conscious of not suffocating or crowding him. In fact, the last few days (since Friday) I have stayed over at my brother's house under the pretext of housesitting since I wanted to give him space to see how things are without me. Ironically, it's been quite enjoyable as I have spent loads of quality time with my children and treated myself to some DVDs and just relaxed.

I haven't issued any ultimatums as I am still very much in love with him. However, I am also conscious that it is unfair for me to stay in a relationship where my needs are not being met. I have tried talking to him about things and even asking him if he is happy with our relationship - which he says he is until I start wanting all these hugs and kisses which put him off.

*Sigh*

[mgl]

hi micou
you have been very supportive of me in another thread and i have only now seen your problem ,typical bloke always think of ourselves first.
im know what you are going through since my problem started i have no affection whatsoever from my wife, a simply bit of love and understanding and things would all be ok . i hope your husband can see the light before its to late as he obviously doesnt see what a loving and caring person he has married . good luck i hope it works out ok for you .

[TouchDown]

One more 2 cents worth... I've heard that people have affairs because of the way the other person makes them feel about themselves...NOT because of how they feel about their illicit sex partner... Example: I feel like a princess whenever I'm with him! I feel happy whenever I'm with her! I feel more handsome whenever I'm with her. Get it?

In other words, how do you make your husband feel about himself when you are with him? (We know you feel poorly around him, lateley...) But how does he feel around you?

By the way, has it always been this way? Is this brand new? Can you identify anything that may have triggered it? (job change, new medicine, death of a friend...)

Hope this helps!

[Micou]

Hi Touchdown and mgl

First of all, Touchdown, to address what you've asked. I am a very affectionate and loving person i.e. I love to hug, compliment and take care of my husband - and our 3 children. I very much enjoy my role as a wife and mother where I create a welcoming, warm home environment for my family. I have been like this since we met, got engaged and got married - in fact I have always been a loving, caring person. My problem is that my husband is the complete opposite and ironically enough, this "new" side of him seems to have materialised since I had our first child and I put on weight, a battle I have fought with also with my second and third children. He made it clear to me quite insensitively once that "fat women don't turn me on". I was horrified and so hurt that I moved out of the bedroom and into the spare room because I couldn't bear the pain of lying next to him where he was giving me his back and reaching out for him would be met with instant rejection. I felt as if I disgusted him. I struggled with my weight and now I am a size thatI feel comfortable with and I am able to maintain. I miss love and affection in my life so much to the point that it crushes me. He will say things to me like, "I just love to know that you're in the house." "I haven't left you have I?
" etc. Whereas I miss day-to-day human contact. I love to nurture and take care of the people in my life and all I need in return sometimes is a little hug - that's all I need to keep me cheered up. Sometimes I feel like maybe if I was one of those women who demanded jewellery, clothes, new car, chocolates etc it might be better, but those things don't mean anything to me - I just want him to touch me! Why be with someone you can't even hold?

mgl, thank you for your kind words. I truly hope things work out with you and your wife and that she comes to her senses about what a wonderful man she married who is tearing himself up inside because he loves her and he wants to save his marriage.

M

[TouchDown]

I apologize for putting you on the defensive. You are warm, giving, loving and unselfish. He is LUCKY to have you for a wife. However, his inability to reciprocate love so easily may make him feel inferior to you just because it's easy for you and hard for him.

I've been married to the same woman for 18 years. We WORK at it! We fight. We stomp off. I hide at my job, she withholds affection. It kills me when we don't get along. We LAUGH at it! We have great sex sometimes. We neglect each other sometimes. We fight a lot by most peoples standards (and I mean on the couch for the night type of fights). We love a lot. Most people think we just got lucky we look so happy together (when they see us in public). Bull ****! We work like hell at it! We cry, we stay mad too long, we argue over how to handle the kids, the daughters' boyfriends, the money, work, etc. We do attend church together always. We do re-group and forgive, eventually. We have 10 children from ages 17 to 2 (8 daughters 2 sons) 4 are teenagers. 3 in highschool, 1 in Junior High, 4 in gradeschool and 2 at home too young for school.

The best book we EVER read, that helped us get along (and actually laugh for YEARS about our differences, was a book called "Personality Plus" about the 4 different personality types. It reads fast, funny, and I can't tell you how much it helped IMMEDIATELY. When you are done with Dr. Phil, read "Personality Plus".

Also, click here for "Emotional Starvation Syndrome" on this website, I think a good portion of it applies to you and your husband. (My wife and I try to walk 20-45 minutes every single evening to "connect" like the article speaks of) We try for every evening but actually walk together about 3-4 times out of 7 days but we either "connect" or fight... but each week is better and better... no kids, no tv, no phone PLUS exercise we both feel good about. (my wife also fighting weight since so many pregnancies!) Click here to read the "Emotional Starvation Syndrome" article!
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index8.html

You are WONDERFUL!! Do not give up!!
He is wonderful, or you wouldn't have married him!!
Your relationship is going to be better & better over time. Trust me!

[Tony P]

In the last week I've turned my marriage on it's head. I've been married 17 years bu t our sex life was dead. I think we were lazy and shy - no one could be bothered to make the first move, but I knew that we still loved each other somewhere. I never seemed to think about sex and was thinking that there was something wrong with me.

Last week I had an idea. I've bought us a book and we take it in turns to enter the sex programme for the coming week. Here are the rules for Sally and Tony's Love Book:

"1. Sally or Tony is the lead person for alternate weeks.
2. "Love details" to be entered by Sunday evening for the coming week.
3. Ebeter dates and any requirements, eg massage, in front of fire, quickie in the bathroom.
4. To be treated as compulsory and of paramount importance. If you get a phone call asking you to do something else, the reply must be "No, I'm busy that evening" (except in exceptional circulstances)
5. Only illness is an excuse
6. Make sure you are fit and ready, eg avoid stress on "love days"
7. You must be ready for any particular requirements you have stipulated.
8. It is up to the lead person to decide how things should start and to get things going as he/she wishes.
9. Remember, you love each other."

All of a sudden, all my mind is doing is thinking of sex. Planning things and getting excited about the approaching events.

It's because you KNOW that things are going to happen. From being dead, my marriage has become the best there is, with such varieties and all sorts of things to look forward to.

TRY IT.

Tony