help! husband left

[Unregistered]

I'm 23 and have been married for less than 2 years. My husband and I had been having problems for a while, but nothing serious, or so I thought. We fought a lot because he felt that I was always being selfish (which he is the only person who has ever called me that in all my life) and never considered what he wanted. The problem is that he would never voice what he really wanted. He always pretended to want what I wanted and wanted me to make all the decisions. He left a few days ago (moved out completely) and I haven't been able to stop calling him. He's my best friend, we had an incredible emotional bond--and I miss him so much. I have been able to get through today without calling him--but there's so much I want to tell him already. The only thing that's keeping me going is the hope that he'll come back--or at least want to start over. I just don't know the best way to go about doing that. I want him to be happy...but I want him to be happy with me. He isn't seeing anyone else (I know this for a fact) but just claims he isn't "happy" with me or his life. He has a big maturity problem--he wants to party and be free to stay out all night with his unmarried friends, and he also wants absolutely no responsibility--I always handled all the bills and everything else. Now that he has his own "apartment," I'm hoping that he will grow up and want to come home--I just don't know what to do in the meantime--do I wait for him to do this--or try and move on with my own life??

[Unregistered]

What your husband needs right now is space. if you hope of any type of reconciliation with him you need to give him this right now. By calling him constantly you are, to put it bluntly, "bugging " him, and hurting yourself by setting yourself up for rejection. And bugging him will push him away from you. Once he stops hearing from you he will have the opportunity to experience life without you in it. Then and only then will he be able to decide if he wants you in his life or not. I cannot tell you how many stories I have heard about women who got dumped. They were so hurt they started smothering the guy until he pushed her away even more. As soon as the girl backed off and started going on with her own life the guy suddenly wants her back. I don't know why, but it just is. (By the way this goes both ways too)

so you have a few options to choose from which we can look at
1) call him a few times a day. Result= he will run in the other direction
2) call him once a week. result= he may realize he misses hearing from you.
3) stop contacting him altogether and concentrate on what you need right now. result= he will wonder, how can you be doing so well without him and what IS she doing?????????

I guarantee if you wait long enough he WILL call you. This is pretty darn predictable. Then you can talk.

I know it is so hard for you not to call him when you are hurting so bad. It is hard not to know what he is doing. Its hard not to know if he's seeing other girls. however, it is VITAL for you and your marriage to gather up the strength and stop calling.

You need to go on with your life. There are lots of things to do to keep busy, such as go shopping, go out with friends, walk, spend time with family, go to church, and I would also advise seeking counseling maybe a few times a week at first to help you keep up your strength and get an objective viewpoint from another perspective. There is absolutely nothing you can do right now, which is the hardest thing to accept. Would you rather wait and be miserable, or go on with your life and hope things will turn out for the best?

Good luck to you. I hope you post again, i would like to hear how you are doing.

"Dr. Lil"