confused with gods message

[pam]

I love my husband but can't make my marriage work.
Trying to be a better Christian has made things worse.
The more i look at scripyture the less I find God in my marriage and the more disappointed I am by my married life.
When I look at Corinthians I see an image of a quiet wife trying to bring Christ like values to the family, but I am failing and so is my marriage.
My husband constantly criticises me, I don't feel i do anything which pleases him anymore. There has been violence and verbal abuse. He says its the way I behave.
We have 4 kids and they are affected by all this as well.
I have a 5 year old who thinks he has a right to make a fuss because there is no STRAWBERRY jam in the house.
My 12 year old thinks he has the right to call me crazy because I try to tell him the way he is behaving is wrong.
I can't sit back and be submissive. I have to be me, I have to say what i think.
Its about control, my husband says I try to control him. I don't think I do. I want to be loved I want unconditional love I want to be loved despite my shortcomings. Is this to much to expect from marriage.
I feel i am going mad I am so confused. I want to live a life pleasing to God, but when I try I end up displeasing my husband because things aren't done.
Help..........

[Liz]

First of all, please don't take all the blame for these difficulties on yourself. The bible doesn't not teach that women should be doormats who take whatever is thrown at them. The bible is quite clear that God sees marriage as a partnership of equals in which both parties respect and love the other. He made man and woman in His image and Jesus died for every man, woman and child who is willing to recognise their sinfulness and the salvation he offers through the cross. We are all sinners against God, falling short of His will for our lives, but when we believe in what he has done for us, we are freed from guilt and given the grace to live godly lives. God will give you that grace if you ask him for it and also wisdom (James ch 1)

If you look at Ephesians, chapter 5, the famous passage about submission you should look at what is expected of a husband - to lay down his life for his wife. It doesn't sound as though your husband has a clear picture of what God expects of him yet. Is he a Christian? If so he certainly should not be using violence or abuse. Have you talked to anyone you trust at church about your concerns? May I also challenge you to pray for your husband if you are not already doing so.

You might like to look at the section on Christian marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthchristian/) on the site and I particularly commend Larry Crabb's Book, Marriage Builder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthchristian/marriagebuild/). Another avenue that you might explore is to encourage your husband to attend a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) with you to help to build up your relationship.

If control is an issue in your marriage then Larry Crabb’s book has valuable insights into why we do this and what God offers to rescue us from this. When we are looking to God to supply our emotional needs, then we can build healthier relationships which are not distorted by our emotional needs and the way we try to meet them through others.

Do not give up hope. If you really want the Lord to show you the way forward and ask Him, He will.

Liz

[Baringstraits]

God does not ask man to do something wrong in order to do something right. In other words, a woman does not have to submit to abuse in order to 'save' her marriage! Abuse is wrong! You submitting to it and allowing your children to be badly affected by your husband's abuse and criticism is WRONG!

I was in a VERY similar marriage. I also had 4 children and my husband blamed me for everything! He was critical and non-nurturing and I felt unloved and unappreciated. The children have been affected! I didn't leave him until the youngest was nearly 13. That's too late. The verbal and emotional abuse has left its scars.

What should I have done? It's so easy for me to see now! I should have stood up to him the second time he criticized or verbally abused me and told him he had better learn to treat me with respect and love or he would NOT be in that category the Bible talks about of those husbands "pleased to dwell" I Cor 7:12-16. A husband who disrespects and abuses his wife and/or family is not 'pleased to dwell' with them and a wife has no responsibility to stay with him.

YOU have a responsibility to provide a warm, nurturing, happy environment for your kids. Even if you don't think you deserve it. They do! You KNOW that the atmosphere in your home is far far from that. Well, it's up to you to rectify the situation. God expects it of you! So what are you going to do? Put up with it for another 15 years? I hope not!

You know how you give children progressive discipline? By reprimanding them, then maybe spanking (if necessary), then taking away privileges one by one. That is the way you must deal with your husband. You tell him you will not tolerate his behavior any longer and that you both need counseling. (This is what I did. It didn't do ANY GOOD! He wouldn't go.) Next, if he refuses, you go get counseling without him and without his approval if necessary! Your marriage, your family, your children's well-being is at stake here!!! If necessary, you separate yourself and your children from him or ask him to leave for awhile because you can't take the atmosphere any longer.

You do all this in love--for your children, for yourself and for your marriage! Marriage is supposed to be happy and warm and nurturing where kind words and encouragment make everyone grow! You cannot have that unless you are willing to stand up for it yourself!

Please feel free to email me for more help. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS! I'm now married to a wonderful Christian man who is kind and adoring and respectful and complimentary and affectionate and completely Godly! The difference is night and day and I know now that I should have walked out on my first husband within the first few days of our marriage! I goofed! I was submissive and because of that I harmed my children by allowing them to be 'fathered' by a man who had no idea what a good father or husband should be!

Please don't put up with this!!

Jane
baringstraits@yahoo.com
Write me if you want!