Jealous wife

[Misha]

I have been married and we have 2 lovely children. My problem is with me. My husband is a gem of a person. He is very kind and considerate. He truly understands and believes me.

But, I am very possessive of him. I get extremely jealous when he talks to some of his women friends. They love talking to him because he listens to them patiently and gives them sound advice.

I have read some sms sent or received by him. Once a lady friend wrote "I miss you my friend". That really got me angry and I gave him my silent treatment. And that's the way I normally react when I am angry. I keep quiet until I've sorted out my feelings. Or until he comes and talks to me.

He has always assured me that I am the only one he loves but I cant help feeling jealous and angry when his lady friends call.

I was terribly shocked when I recently found out from him that he is seeing a shrink because of this problem - that I am always suspecting him and giving him the silent treatment. Despite all the assurances he has given, I still suspect him at times. He doesnt know how to cope with my behavior.

Frankly, I don't know how to control my feelings as well! I truly love him and want my marriage to work out. Please advise.

[Kate]

Dear Misha

At least you have been honest and recognised where the problem lies, but it's not about controlling your feelings, but about understanding what lies below those feelings.

Your feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) are simply emotions that arise in reaction to what is happening in your life. Below them lie judgements and attitudes which you may need to think about.

Do you fear that your husband doesn't see you as attractive, or do you even believe that you aren't attractive enough to keep him happy? Do you feel so insecure that you want to be in control who he’s friends with and prevent him from having female friends?

Perhaps the time has come to face up to these things inside and to share with your husband any need you have for reassurance from him that he loves you. But it's not all down to him, when you feel those feelings of jealousy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/jealous.html) and anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/anger/) arise then why not remind your self how much your husband loves you and how special he is. Try to cut out the withdrawal and the sulks. See what you can do to learn to trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) him.

You've said yourself you think he's a gem and has so many qualities. Perhaps it's time to make sure he knows that's how you see him and that you value him. He obviously cares enough to go and get help, rather than being drawn to another more appreciative female.

Another thought is that you could try and be supportive of these women together. Try to develop his skill of listening and see whether you can work together as a couple.

Don’t let your feelings rule your life, make the decision to act lovingly and the feelings will look after themselves.

Kate

[Fletch]

I like Kates idea about talking to these lady friends together. Not that your husband cannot be trusted but there isn't a person alive who, if the circumstances were right, wouldn't fall into temptation. Your husband should not be alone with these women at any time unless he's some kind of therapist. Try to talk to him about them and see if he won't tell you about their problems. I can see the two of you helping these ladies a great deal and in fact bringing your relationship closer together in the process.

[Misha]

Thanks Kate and Fletch.

Things have been pretty same since April. I have talked to him about our relationship a few times.

He needs time to trust me.

I feel we are distant emotionally and physically. I long for his words of comfort, the intimacy.

I terribly regret my mistrust and I have told him I trust him and want to improve our relationship. He said he needs time.

I tried to kiss and cuddle a month ago and ke kept saying "but you dont trust me" and slowly turned me away. I know he's not having any affair. I dont want to talk about our problems again because he gets riled up b'cos I accused him of having an affair! This hurts him when he talk about it.

But i'm afraid this "distance" will cause a gap between us and he may fall "out of love"!

He needs time, but how long?

Kate, need your view on this.

[Kate]

Dear Misha

You seem to be very different in your approach to relationships. You seem to need space to deal with the strong emotions that you experience and he seems to be more out going. Perhpas you are alos different in the way you express your love for each other. You want a cuddle and physical closeness, but he seems to be looking for something else.

There are different love "languages" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) which we use. Often the one which works best for us may not work best for our spouse. The main ones are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. I wonder if you know which one means the most to your husband. Which one means the most to you?

This might help you to build some comfort and closeness between you. Have you considered asking him to forgive you for the ways that you have hurt him. Just saying sorry is not the same, nor is expressing regret. When we ask for forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/), we are clearly acknowledging our mistake and saying I want to resolve this issue once and for all, but I need your agreement to do so. Forgiveness and rebuilding trust can take time, but perhaps it's time your husband chose to let go on his hurt.

All the best

Kate