Past back to haunt

[Unregistered]

I'll try to make this short. 11 1/2 years ago I met my husband. Things went pretty quick (he asked me to marry him after only dating a couple of months). He had dated a girl shortly before meeting me that he had known since they were small children. Their families were close and went to church together for years. He told me about her because she was pregnant at the time. But she told him it wasn't his and not to worry about it, so we didn't. Right before we were married, she filed for child support against him. He was furious and so was I. But he is a very responsible person, so the child support started (and back support since birth). But he said he would pay for this child but never wanted anything to do with it or ever see it, and that's exactly what I wanted too. So we were married and have been happy ever since (for the most part). We have an eight year old son now and a few months ago, the mother of the other child filed to have her child support raised (she just divorced). Then she called my husband and got our email address from his parents and started emailing him trying to make him feel guilty for never seeing his daughter. He is a very sensitive person so he did start feeling guilty. I told him that she was probably just trying to get him back since she just divorced. He was angry at me for that statement. I told him that we had an agreement all those years ago, and I haven't changed my mind!! He kept talking about seeing this kid over the next couple of weeks, then all of a sudden, he was very cold. This went on for a couple of weeks, when we finally sat down and talked, he told me he had snuck down and seen the kid twice!! He said he felt very guilty, like he was cheating on me by seeing this child. I felt the same. I then found out by searching my computer that he had created an email address through a web site so that the mother and the kid could email him and he could email them without me knowing!! Then I felt even more betrayed. I asked him to not do it again, but he said he can't and will continue to see this child no matter what I say. And his parents always wanted him to end up with her so now they are saying that he is doing the right thing no matter what happens to us. This has been going on for a few weeks now and I know that I am being selfish and closed minded, but I do not want to have anything to do with this kid. We had an agreement!! I married him with that agreement. Now I feel betrayed and I am almost sick all the time. I don't feel that I can trust him because I know that there are emails every other day and some of them seem very flirty from the mother. I have some software that allows me to see some of them. He says he wants to be honest with me, so I have asked him a few questions like "Have you ever bad mouthed me to her?" Of course he said no, but I have an email that he said I was selfish, cold hearted, closed minded, and a few other things. Then he said that he is having to deal with ALOT at home with me. It almost sounds like he is wanting to get sympathy from her. Am I just crazy?? I don't know if I can handle this!! Someone help!!

[Kate]

The situation you are in is not easy and I can understand that you are very upset, but it must be hard for your husband too.

Until now he has probably convinced himself that it was best for his daughter not to know about him, but to let his friend's husband be her father. Now that he knows that relationship has broken up and has seen his daughter, it must have re-awoken his natural love for her as a father.

Whatever commitment you made when you married, you must be aware that his heart must be torn. Would you not have feelings for a child of yours in such a situation?

Although you may be upset by the mother's attitude and behaviour, surely your husband needs your support and understanding at this time. That would enable him to act openly and preserve the trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) between you.

When we marry we take each other for better for worse and that often includes all sorts of "baggage" which may mean emotional trauma from the past, and also the fruit of past relationships. You need to work through this challenge together, trying to be honest, open and gentle with each other. If you want him to understand where you are coming from, then you need to be willing to "walk in his shoes" too.

Perhaps the time has come for both of you to own up to the way you have hurt each other, through this situation returning to your life and to seek forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/), because it is that forgiveness and accepting of each other’s struggles that will enable you to move forward.

I hope that you can find some way to talk this through with him.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

You said you found an e-mail where he said you were cold-hearted, selfish and close minded... which sounds to me exactly like you are acting. Believe it or not the world does not revolve around YOU. This is about a Father and his daughter. What right do you have to come between that type of relationship? If you continue to try to control him by forbidding him to see other people he loves, you are forcing him to choose. So, you will either
1) lose him...which it sounds like you are doing a good job of; OR
2) if he stays with you he will resent you AND still probably contact his daughter behind your back(creating more dishonesty).
By being so controlling and UNLOVING towards your husband you are pushing him away from you and right towards the mother of his daughter. All in all, if you love this man and want to be with him you need to ACCEPT ALL OF HIM, realize this has nothing to do with YOU, stop trying to CONTROL him and then he will feel safe with you, close to you and you will begin to heal and be honest with each other.

"Dr. Lil"