help

[uniqueweasle]

I dont know where to begin. I have been having an affair for 8 years now and although it has not been a very sexual relationship it has been a very deep and spiritual one. My husband is a wonderful man and an excellant father he is a very practical person and believes that, that is how he shows his love for me. He has great difficulty showing emotion or affection and is not romantic. The man I met 8 years ago is totally the opposite and feeds needs in me that when I first met him I had no idea I had. He is caring, loving and tactile he has no problem with showing and saying how he feels and has supported me through the death of my father when my husband found it difficult to comfort me, he does simple things like holding my hand when we are out which my husband has never done. I have grown to deeply love this other man and he has reciprocated my feelings. I had always thought that sex was an important part in a marriage but this person and I have not been together completely, yet I feel so close to him. Anyway to cut a long story short my husband has become aware of this and has demanded that I choose between him and my family or this other man. I am so devastated I know my husband is right yet I can't begin to think of my life without this person in it. I have been extremely self critical over the last few days and find that I loath myself. I have hurt my husband so much and I have abused the friendship of my friends by having them cover for me in the past. I am not a deceitful person and this is making me unwell now so I have decided to give this person up but I cant think of going through the rest of my life not speaking to or seeing him again. This is going to sound very selfish but I know that my husband is hurting and is the injured party but my heart is absolutely breaking. How do I end this and than stick to my decision????? I have been so low this last few weeks that I have seriously contemplated downing a bottle of pills and not waking up, that way I cant hurt anyone again.

[Kate]

Right now it is hard for you to see a way forward. You think that you cannot find peace and live without this man, but if he were to walk out of your life tomorrow or something happened to him, you would have to face up to the loss and bereavement.

Right now you are faced with the choice. In some ways it would be easier if someone else would make it for you. It is tempting to run away from the choice, which you have expressed in a desire to take your own life, but what would that achieve, other than hurting all those who love you even more.

Having the courage to do what is right is very hard. We need our own values to help us at times like this. You need to be able to live with the decision that you make. Take a long hard look at the consequences of either choice, not only for you but for the others concerned.

Facing up to what we have done wrong and knowing how to deal with that is hard. The only place I know where you can find real peace when you know you have hurt someone deeply is through seeking their forgiveness and trhough seeking God's. I don't usually say much on these forums about my faith unless invited, but I am going to make an exception today, because you are so troubled. In my faith, when I do something that I really regret, then I can go to God and acknowledge my sorrow at what I have done and my commitment to try to never do it again. He has promised that if we do this, then because of what Jesus did on the cross in paying for all our sins instead of us, we can find healing and peace. This is the only really effective way I know to take away the guilt we experience when we do something wrong. Even more, I believe that when we do this God gives us the grace to live with the damage we have caused and to put what we can right.

I do hope with all my heart that you can find the way forward and peace in your heart.

Kate

:)

[Unregistered]

You are in a tough situation right now where you are forced to make a decision. Know that this situation will pass as everything in life does, and you will go on. Ending your life would increase and multiply FOREVER any pain you have caused in your familys life.

Whichever decision you make (staying with your husband or leaving him) can result in happiness if you are strong enough to get through the process.

My advice to you is seek support. Discuss this with your lover, husband, a counselor, and supportive friends and family. However, only you can make this tough decision.

Sometimes in life we come to a crossroads where we have to stand up and face the music, stand up to our mistakes. This is an important milestone in your life where change and growth will inevitably occur. This is what life is about, love, challenges, decisions and change. Some of the most important, significant things in our lives are brought about by way of painful experiences. these are the things that shape us and mold our souls into who we are and who we want to be. It sounds to me like you have been acting like someone you don't like or want to be for the last few years. Now, as fate would have it, you've been "busted". Now it is your time to move on, stop living a lie, free yourself of the lies, dishonesty and unhappiness and grow into the person you really want to be.

Take care of yourself, sleep 8 hours at night, eat well, get outside, go for walks. You need to be healthy physically in order to clear your mind to make this emotional decision the right decision.

Another bit of advice: Try to be understanding, patient and loving with your family no matter what decision you make. These times are hard for them as well.

Good luck to you.

"Dr. Lil"