im so hurt.....

[Unregistered]

Hello.....my name is autumn, My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. It really started the 1st year we were married....where he started working a new job and I guess I was a little suspicious because he started to withdraw....our son was about 6 months old at the time.....and when he started to withdraw it wasn't just from me! So a couple months of him working there and withdrawing from us he mentioned a work party but that he didn't want to go because they were stupid...so I was a little curious and I said no "I want to go" and he got defensive for some reason? So when we went to this party some girl came in and sat by him....scooting her chair closer to him....(now he introduced me to everyone as his wife) but to this person he said autumn this is chris ....chris ...autumn...now this hurt me...and I got up and walked out. Now we supposedly resolved that....I still think that he was lying to me about something....and that is where this part steps in....about 2 years ago I cheated on my husband...I fely guilty and I told him..it was horrible...I felt things could never work out again and he felt the same way....even though I love him with all my heart! So I moved along ways away...and we were going to try and work it out...well...he was calling me and telling me that he "loved" me...well things were ok...but then I just got a feeling so I looked at his e-mail and noticed that he was ordering NASTY porn and having sex with this girl over the comp...then I confronted him and he all the sudden didn't love me anymore?....I guess he had been calling this girl and had been talking to her more than he had ever talked to me in his entire life....so then I told him I was moving on and what not...so a couple of months down the road I met a guy...we started hanging out and liked eachother....we had sex once....and I felt guilty because I was married even though things were "over" well then my husband called one day and had met this "girl" she was a stripper and this is something he always vowed to me that he did not like! This hurt me enormously! Well I recently came to visit my mother because we are having problems again! He started pulling away from me again and he acts like there is no emotion there or anything....but when I left with the kids he started telling me that he loves me....and now I am getting suspicious AGAIN it totally reminds me of how all these problems arose inthe first place and I do not know what to do....I know his character and if he is alone for long I feel that he will go cheat on me again!....I learned from my mistake and know that is something I will never do again! But I don't think that he could control himself....So I told him that if he wanted me to come back that he would have to set up our counseling AGAIN....I told him that about 2 weeks ago and still he hasn't done it!!!!? I don't know what to do....my trust is gone.....my feelings are still burning with hate torward everything that has happened! I don't know if I could ever trust him again!
Please give me some advice.
-Autumn-

[Kate]

Dear Autumn.

You do seem to have got yourselves into an awful muddle and would benefit from a third party helping you to sort out your differences. It's hard at the moment to see where you can start to rebuild the trust without facing up to some of the baggage. Perhaps your husband will come back and agree to the counsellling. Until he is commtted to it, there is probably not much you can do but wait. Either he wants to be married to you and faithful to you or else he wants to "play the field" and not be married to you.

Can I suggest that you look at some of the aricles on Forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) and Trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) in the basic relationship skills section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) and see if they help you a little.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Let me tell you something. If a man loves a woman and wants to be with her, he will do everything he can to be with her and make it work. I know it sounds corny, but listen to the song "when a man loves a woman." Now, ask yourself what happiness and love means to you. How do you treat the people that you love? You need to treat yourself like any of your loved ones. It sounds like the DECISION LIES WITH YOU as he has made his decision long ago to be indifferent towards you and your child. It also sound like he has some problematic sexual issues considering the porn and the strippers (which is cause for a whole other list of problems...). Is this what you want in your life? Is this what your child deserves? Some counseling may help with your feelings and to figure out why did YOU cheat...maybe once these issues are resolved you will be healthy enough to consider a healthy trusting relationship in which both you and your partner can be EQUALLY honest and trustworthy.
For now, put your child first, see things through his eyes, take control and do whats right by him.

"Dr. Lil"