My husband has dedcided he doesn't want to be married

[Unregistered]

I have been only married for 4 months and my husband has decided he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce asap. How can I fix this he doesn't want to talk about it no counceling He says it's not my fault he thought he was ready to be married but he is not. I love him and this is killing me what can I do to slow this process down and make things right again. We didn't fight we were very much in love how can I bring this back again?

[Kate]

That's really tough. You do deserve some sort of explanation.

Is there a friend you could both go and talk to if he won't talk to you on your own? Does he realise that counselling isn't necessarily about healing a relationship, it can be about making the break in a sensible way? I know that's not what you want, but you might be able to get him to go to counselling, if you were able to promise him not to have any particular expectation for the outcome for it.

There are also programmes like Prepare (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) and FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/) which are marriage preparation programmes which might help him to understand the commitment he has made and make a more informed decision about what he is doing.

You could also look at the resources in the Adjusting to Married Life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffadjust/) area of the site.

I do hope you can find a way to help him open up to you.

All the best

Kate

[noddy]

How are you getting on? I'm in a very similar situation with my husband now telling me that he's sick of all the arguing and bickering, that we're incompatible and knows I can never make him happy. Yet I've had 3 years with this guy, haven't changed and we've only been married 4 month's too....because we both have demanding careers and have so much going at the moment, we don't get to spend any time together so I guess when we do argue that is all he thinks we do and has just concluded w'ere incompatible. Doesn't want to try at the marriage at all. I've moved out and it seems he's moved on. All this came about in one week..no discussion just a note and a letter telling me what his feelings were and that he's not happy with me and never will be.

[yankeeatheart]

don't know if it will help you both or not, but it sure makes for some interesting reading!...

http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/

[Missingmyman]

My husband of 6 months left me and my two boys on Sunday. He just walked out and said that he was sorry. He said that he wasn't ready to be married (he's 38 years old!!!) and to deal with the expectations/responsiblities that came along with it. I am so in love with him. We always had a great time together and loved each other deeply. Why is he so scared of being married? I can't imagine my life without sharing it with him. I can't get motivated to work or do anything.

[Noddy]

Hello

I'm so very sorry for your situation, I do empathise fully as my husband has walked out after 4 months, we're 34 and 35 years old and only 10 weeks back from honeymoon...it came as a bolt out the blue after an argument we had. There aren't any words I can give you to comfort you right now, I have friends and family around me, but nothing can take away the pain and let down feeling you must be going through right now. My situation came out of the blue, with my husband telling me that he's sick of all the bickering and arguing and that he thoughts things would be better once we're married, he's no longer in love with me and that I can never make him happy! I expect he's feeling the same way as your husband that he's made a mistake marrying me. I don't know I'm so confused and terribly hurt right now. I can only suggest that you take one day at a time and pray to God for comfort and strength to get you through this horrendous time. It's like a bereavement, you may find some comfort in speaking with perhaps a counsellor just as support...just a thought. I am thinking of you!

[Noddy]

You say you have two boys...are these your husband's children as well? It just sounds as though he fears 'commitment' in a big way. Give him time to pull away and hang in on there, he may be just spooked for a while and may want to enter back into the marriage one day. It's going to take time I expect, but all you can do right now is stay strong for you and your boys and try and get on with your lives. The more I think if you pursue your husband, he'll feel dragged into a situation he's trying to escape from. So let him pull away, there is always a chance of him coming back. Hang in there.

[mpayne]

My two boys ( 5 and 7) are not their biologoical father but they call him dad. They think the world of him. They are so hurt that he would just leave and not tell them good bye. I spoke to my husband today and he said that he is starting over. I asked him to just take some time to look inside himself and keep an open mind. I'm past the begging, crying, pleading. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but I have stopped calling and emailing him. I'm hoping that giving him that distance will help. The hardest thing is that he is so far away. We live in the US but he is from England and he has went back there. I am 27 years old with great career and 2 great kids and the responsibility doesn't scare me but he is 37 and terrified to committ a job, marriage, house, child rearing, everything. He has been running from this fear for about 2 months until he finally walked out the door Sunday unexpectatly.

I did make a stupid mistake that I need help on. I uncovered that my husband had slept with another woman. In order to get back at him, I told him I had slept with another man when I went through my wedding jitter stage. I didn't do it but I wanted to hurt him. I did kiss this man but nothing else happened. Last Saturday night I caught my husband getting a secret romantic text from his ex and I told him again that I did sleep with him. I tried to give details about it but I lied miserably but he believed me. I wanted him to feel the same pain that I felt and wanted to see him try to fight for me. All that did was make him run out the door.
For the past several months he has told me that he didn't want to be married and would leave on business trips but wouldn't come home. It would take begging and pleading for him to come home. The last trip I had to fly over to England to get him. I pushed him way to much and I know that I should have backed off and gave him his space but I love him too much. I'm trying my best to give him some space and just pray that he will come back to me.

[NOddy]

I'm so very sorry. I haven't been in a marriage where there has been someone else on the scene, but I was in a 2 year relationship with someone who's 'ex' came back and I got the excuse, we're getting too serious I can't handle it etc etc. After some time I was able to distance myself from this guy, then he would come back, but I felt he very much had one foot in one camp and the other foot in the other camp. I wasn't able to tolerate it, it went on for month's, him not able to fully commit to me anymore. After alot of mind games, the trust just got eroded and I finally left. It's so very difficult. I'm not saying that this is the issue with your husband, but his ex may explain why he is pulling away from you. Don't beat yourself about telling your husband you slept with someone, you're in alot of pain. Time will tell if he wishes to come into your life...but to save yourself from further rejection and pain, you will need to leave him be. If he does come back, you'll have to start rebuilding the trust.

[Kate]

Dear MPayne,

I don't think you did yourself any good by making up the story about the affair. If it was me, I'd want to clear that up and you could try writing to him about it, but whether that would encourage him to try and make things up with you, I don't know.

In the end all you can do is to let him know you love him and still want him back. If you've done that then all you can do is wait to see if he comes back. It must be terribly hard for you, especially as he is so far away.

Right now your boys will need you to give them reassuracne and stability. I hope too that they will bring you comfort in the way only little ones like that can.

All the best

Kate