trust

[Unregistered]

I have been married for 20 years, thought I was a very lucky person and my relationship with my husband was special. Two months ago a lesion was found in my lung, to make a long story short on the 4th of Feb I had surgery. I had serious doubts concerning the surgery, if I could go through with it. We were staying in a hotel, the hospital was located away from our home. The morning of the surgery I realized I just could not have the operation. I was very upset, my husband decided to ignore my me, he said that he couldn't take me home unless I went through with the operation. I begged and pleaded with him, it just didn't matter what I said. I don't really remember the taxi ride to the hospital, maybe the shock of his reaction, not sure. Again when we arrived at the hospital I requested he take me home. This time employed the help of my son(25yrs), to help him get me into the elevator. When we reached the waiting room, my husband left my son to guard me, so I wouldn't take off, while he signed me in, took care of insurance forms. At that moment I gave up, I have never in my life felt so betrayed and hurt. His reasons for doing this: I was upset, not thinking straight, also in the past weeks I had lead him to believe I wanted to be pushed. I don't remember telling him this, in fact just the opposite. Am I crazy to feel betrayed, or did he do me a favor. I am so depressed, between trying to get over the surgery, and my deep pain concerning him. I would love to hear someone elses views.

[Unregistered]

I think perhaps your husband could not understand you not wishing to through the surgery if it was what was needed. He seems to have dealt with it in a way so that he more or less forced you to have the operation. Seems to be for the best of intent. Your wellbeing and continued good health.

The way you reacted aside, from his point of view maybe he saw that taking the hard line was the only way to force you to have something that may or may not have been life threatening.

You say that you have had 20 years and a special relationship, that hasn’t changed, only the circumstances surrounding your surgery. As far as I am aware surgery is never carried out unless needed, so you must have needed it. You were ready to back away from it and maybe he felt that the only way to get you to go through with it was to take the hard line. If that was his reason then he cares for you more than you realise. He hasn’t betrayed you he has shown that he cares for you, maybe not in the way you want but he could have just walked away and left you to worry and suffer on your own.

You need to speak to him and find out and not let him think of it as a betrayal but ask his reasons for doing it. After all the truth can’t be as bad as you are feeling just now.

[Unregistered]

I thank-you for your imput. I have had two other operations in the past, surgery is not something one jumps into. Because of the past operations, it is a real emotional issue for me. When I said no, it is what I wanted. He realized I was upset, also knew I could not fight him. Respect for my choices and opinions has been a problem in our marriage, off and on through the years. I believed we were past this problem. I still feel he should have helped me with choices, and stood beside me in the ones I made, I never dreamed he would not. I have tried very hard to understand his behavior, but it still seems cruel.