30 years too long?

[Unregistered]

It has taken unbelievable courage for me to even put this into words however I must as I cannot go on feeling as I do.

I have been married to the same guy for 30 years. We married at 16 and 19 respectively and in the main have had a moderately happy marriage. We have 3 grown up sons, 25, 23 and 18 who are all successful and have happy lives. So what’s the problem?

There is always one in a partnership who instigates the change and that is me. I am 46 my, husband 49 and we have grown so much apart that it hurts. I came from an abusive family, before it became fashionable to have one. We married as he was my first boyfriend and showed me love and affection and I grabbed at that always knowing that I did not love him, but for him to love me must be enough surely?

Now I have come to a point in my life that I know its not. I cannot go to the end of my life feeling like this and , I want to be able to give love. I know I can I love, I love my 3 sons dearly in a parental way, but I want to love and be loved. I love my husband by more of a thank you. I care for him more than I can say but its more gratitude for the life we have had.

To say I love him like a brother sounds blasé – but its true. I would like nothing better for him to find a woman who can give him all the love and happiness he deserves and that is lots. But I can’t give that.

I have told him a little of what I feel as to tell him would hurt him too much. Of course he can’t understand.

We have a good life together, I work abroad 3 days per week and we both have very successful careers and all the trappings that go with it, but its not enough.

I don’t know what to do. I want to leave to start a new life but it’s the hurt that I will cause to family and friends that keeps me there. Anyone would think I was mad to leave what I have, probably I am.

What course of action should I take?

[Unregistered]

You have to do what is best for you. Life is too long not to feel happy however there is a right way to do things. If that means starting a life on your own you have to consider everyone's feelings and do it properly.

The material things can be replaced but try not to get into a battle over property etc just now as things may be too raw and hurt too much.

Try before you make a final decision, to take time out and think over all scenarios for yourself and think long and hard about giving up the 30 years you have had together.

Being honest is probably the best thing you can do, infact if you are honest with your husband, you might find that things might come to light that both of you have been thinking but only you have said.

Not knowing too much about someone makes it difficult to have an opinion as there are often more things at play rather than what has been put down into words by restriction of time and being too personal.

[Liz]

Thank you for your courage in sharing what you are struggling with. I hope that some of the resources on the site may help you.

I wonder if life is about the pursuit of happiness as the other poster seems to suggest. If it is then there are an awful lot of disappointed people around, but life can still have times that are interesting and rewarding. Contentment is much better than the overrated ideal of “happiness”.

You have a husband that loves you, security and a loving family. Many people long for that, so what is missing? Is it some excitement? Do you judge you missed out on the freedom and independence of late teens and early twenties? Or is it that you believe there must be someone out there who will make you feel excited and passionate? What if you’ve already found him in your husband, but haven’t yet found the key to unlock it?

Most marriages go through flat unexciting periods, but is that a reason for giving up? I see love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) as being as much about something you do as something you feel. The feelings often follow on after the doing.

If you think your marriage needs spicing up them why not do something about that. There are marriage enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), books (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/), trips you can take together. If you are frustrated with life then try a new career or hobby.

If you are wondering what your purpose in life is now the youngsters are leaving home then why not explore that - there are some good books (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/parenting/emptynest/) on the subject.

Best wishes

Liz