Ms Bored
14th March 2004, 01:22 AM
MARRIAGE - LOVE, POWER, EFFORT AND BOUNDRY
There is a widespread phenomenon where you see everyday countless number of marriages slowly deteriorating and ending after many years together, for instance 20yrs or 10 yrs, or even short period of times like 1 or 2 yrs together. A well known celebrity couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, for example lasted for only 10 yrs. What went wrong with all these marriages???? Can people please enlighten me. Maybe the reasons are :
1. The grass is greener on the other side - one person found a new partner.
2. Over time people change - not satisfy with the status quo, and want something new.
3. There is a lack of trust and communication between the couple.
4. One person has a very irritating or bad habit that drove the other person away.
5. Development of different interests between the couple.
6. Too many differences of opinion - constant fights/arguments about many issues that arises, even trivial ones.
7. When u fall in love, you think you know the person well. But afta u have lived together you get to see the other side of the person, something you may not like.
What constitutes a legally binding marriage?? Ask anyone on the street and they will tell you that it consists of some sort of religious ceremony whereby the couples also sign a legally recognised marriage document in front of at least 2 witnesses. Nowadays, more and more people are opting for de facto relationship, a relationship that is like marriage except minus the ceremony and signing of a document. However, marriage appears to be the norm since it has become deeply rooted in our culture throughout history, passed down from one generation to another. When marriages last forever until both parties depart this earth, I see no problem - that is greeat!!! But when I see marriages falling apart or ending for whatever reasons I am puzzled as to why it went down that path. Based on the assumption that both parties are deeply in love with each other, one would expect that they would have no trouble sorting out problems in their relationship.
I thought the theory is that the longer you stay together the deeper the bond is made between the couple. To the contrary, I have an uncle whose marriage life ended after 20 yrs of being together. The marriage break up not only traumatically affected the couple, but has also consequently in turn negatively affected the lives of their 2 beloved children. Sadly, their children who are currently living with their mother are now fatherless. One may argue for several reasons that living with 2 parents is way better than living with one sole parent, assuming he/she does not remarry.
As a young teenager I always respected and thought my uncles family represented one of the most loving and happy family in our community. Then in the year 2001, my uncle brought to our attention that his marriage was in trouble, and in a short period of time both ended up going separate ways. I was speechless and shocked! I rang up my cousin to try and get her to help her parents out. I was told that she was not surprised that her parents marriage was ending and that she cant do anything about it. I was a little disappointed in her reply, and I had to come to grips with the harsh reality that my uncles once happy marriage was over like a lot of other people. Metaphorically speaking, my uncle told me that in his situation, you “cannot have two tigers living in the same cave“. I think what he means by this, is that there is a power dynamic going on between him and his wife. Both wanting to exert their influence and be the dominant one. One person is saying I am right, so you should listen to me, and the other person saying no I am right, you should listen to me. The role of power dynamic is very prevalent in many relationship, not only in marriages as it could also be seen in other relationships such as one between an employer and employee. One might ask, so is it now “power” verses “love“ ??. Where is the love that my uncle and aunt once both have for each other. Is “power” now taking over “love“???
It is inevitable that power dynamic will play a role in any typical marriage relationship. Whether it be about a serious or trivial issue, both parties have a tendency to want their opinion to be seen as correct or right. If both parties wishes to stay together, of course, they must try and attempt to reach a compromise or a middle ground. Easy said than done!
The concept of power dynamic can be seen in another relationship close to my heart, which is that of my best friend’s rocky and often volatile marriage. They have been married since 2001, and have been on the verge of ending about 3 or 4 times. She tells me that they are 2 completely different people, thinking not on the same wavelength, and that is the reason why differences of opinion arises between them. She claims that they love each other, yet they still have problems in the marriage. She says they openly discussed about the problems that arises, but cant seem to reach a compromise because each of them always pointing fingers at each other to take the blame. I have not heard both sides of the story so I cannot make a judgment as to who is right and who is wrong. I asked her are there more problems than happiness and she replied yes. Then I asked her can you imagine living with him for the rest of your life, and she replied no. I do not like to see couples split when they are in love with each other, but I thought maybe this marriage needs it based on what she has told me. So I frankly asked her then why don’t you guys split. She said she is weak and does not have the heart to do it. Now you get to a point where to draw the “boundry” line in terms of “when is enough, enough”.
A lot of us will agree that couples will often clash now and then, spicing up their life. There will be ups and down like riding a roller coaster. Common sense tells each couple that in order for the relationship to survive in the event of a break down both parties must try to resolve the issue as smoothly and civilly as possible. Every trees and flowers needs water for them to flourish. Similarly, relationship needs “effort” by both parties to develop and mature. If you have problems, you work at it until you are able to resolve the issue. But like I asked earlier when is enough enough. Where do you draw the boundry line between ending your marriage and staying together. How do you know if you have put too much effort into the relationship and it is still not working properly. Is there such thing as putting too much effort into the relationship??. As long as you love each other then the quantity of effort you put into the relationship shouldn’t matter???
Do you think that the quantity of effort you put into a relationship should be dependent upon the amount of effort the other person puts into the relationship??. Depending on the particular relationship, I believe it is a yes and no answer.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you would like to give me some feed back please feel free to do so. Adios!!
There is a widespread phenomenon where you see everyday countless number of marriages slowly deteriorating and ending after many years together, for instance 20yrs or 10 yrs, or even short period of times like 1 or 2 yrs together. A well known celebrity couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, for example lasted for only 10 yrs. What went wrong with all these marriages???? Can people please enlighten me. Maybe the reasons are :
1. The grass is greener on the other side - one person found a new partner.
2. Over time people change - not satisfy with the status quo, and want something new.
3. There is a lack of trust and communication between the couple.
4. One person has a very irritating or bad habit that drove the other person away.
5. Development of different interests between the couple.
6. Too many differences of opinion - constant fights/arguments about many issues that arises, even trivial ones.
7. When u fall in love, you think you know the person well. But afta u have lived together you get to see the other side of the person, something you may not like.
What constitutes a legally binding marriage?? Ask anyone on the street and they will tell you that it consists of some sort of religious ceremony whereby the couples also sign a legally recognised marriage document in front of at least 2 witnesses. Nowadays, more and more people are opting for de facto relationship, a relationship that is like marriage except minus the ceremony and signing of a document. However, marriage appears to be the norm since it has become deeply rooted in our culture throughout history, passed down from one generation to another. When marriages last forever until both parties depart this earth, I see no problem - that is greeat!!! But when I see marriages falling apart or ending for whatever reasons I am puzzled as to why it went down that path. Based on the assumption that both parties are deeply in love with each other, one would expect that they would have no trouble sorting out problems in their relationship.
I thought the theory is that the longer you stay together the deeper the bond is made between the couple. To the contrary, I have an uncle whose marriage life ended after 20 yrs of being together. The marriage break up not only traumatically affected the couple, but has also consequently in turn negatively affected the lives of their 2 beloved children. Sadly, their children who are currently living with their mother are now fatherless. One may argue for several reasons that living with 2 parents is way better than living with one sole parent, assuming he/she does not remarry.
As a young teenager I always respected and thought my uncles family represented one of the most loving and happy family in our community. Then in the year 2001, my uncle brought to our attention that his marriage was in trouble, and in a short period of time both ended up going separate ways. I was speechless and shocked! I rang up my cousin to try and get her to help her parents out. I was told that she was not surprised that her parents marriage was ending and that she cant do anything about it. I was a little disappointed in her reply, and I had to come to grips with the harsh reality that my uncles once happy marriage was over like a lot of other people. Metaphorically speaking, my uncle told me that in his situation, you “cannot have two tigers living in the same cave“. I think what he means by this, is that there is a power dynamic going on between him and his wife. Both wanting to exert their influence and be the dominant one. One person is saying I am right, so you should listen to me, and the other person saying no I am right, you should listen to me. The role of power dynamic is very prevalent in many relationship, not only in marriages as it could also be seen in other relationships such as one between an employer and employee. One might ask, so is it now “power” verses “love“ ??. Where is the love that my uncle and aunt once both have for each other. Is “power” now taking over “love“???
It is inevitable that power dynamic will play a role in any typical marriage relationship. Whether it be about a serious or trivial issue, both parties have a tendency to want their opinion to be seen as correct or right. If both parties wishes to stay together, of course, they must try and attempt to reach a compromise or a middle ground. Easy said than done!
The concept of power dynamic can be seen in another relationship close to my heart, which is that of my best friend’s rocky and often volatile marriage. They have been married since 2001, and have been on the verge of ending about 3 or 4 times. She tells me that they are 2 completely different people, thinking not on the same wavelength, and that is the reason why differences of opinion arises between them. She claims that they love each other, yet they still have problems in the marriage. She says they openly discussed about the problems that arises, but cant seem to reach a compromise because each of them always pointing fingers at each other to take the blame. I have not heard both sides of the story so I cannot make a judgment as to who is right and who is wrong. I asked her are there more problems than happiness and she replied yes. Then I asked her can you imagine living with him for the rest of your life, and she replied no. I do not like to see couples split when they are in love with each other, but I thought maybe this marriage needs it based on what she has told me. So I frankly asked her then why don’t you guys split. She said she is weak and does not have the heart to do it. Now you get to a point where to draw the “boundry” line in terms of “when is enough, enough”.
A lot of us will agree that couples will often clash now and then, spicing up their life. There will be ups and down like riding a roller coaster. Common sense tells each couple that in order for the relationship to survive in the event of a break down both parties must try to resolve the issue as smoothly and civilly as possible. Every trees and flowers needs water for them to flourish. Similarly, relationship needs “effort” by both parties to develop and mature. If you have problems, you work at it until you are able to resolve the issue. But like I asked earlier when is enough enough. Where do you draw the boundry line between ending your marriage and staying together. How do you know if you have put too much effort into the relationship and it is still not working properly. Is there such thing as putting too much effort into the relationship??. As long as you love each other then the quantity of effort you put into the relationship shouldn’t matter???
Do you think that the quantity of effort you put into a relationship should be dependent upon the amount of effort the other person puts into the relationship??. Depending on the particular relationship, I believe it is a yes and no answer.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you would like to give me some feed back please feel free to do so. Adios!!