Please Help

[jwilliams]

:confused: I would really like some advice for my husband and I. I guess that I should tell you what's going on. I have cheated in one way or the other several times not to mention I have been lying to him about it for the past 3 years. Even though he gave me several chances to tell him about it, I didn't. So, I cheated, lied, and kept a lot of things from him.

Well, he finally knows the truth about all of if and he says that he's forgiven me but that he's not sure if he can forget and move on or ever trust me again.

Now comes my (actually his) questions, Can he forget what I did and move on or trust me again and will he ever be able to fall in love with me again? I have told him that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things work out. By me saying that, he assumes that I will lie and cheat to get what I want. No, what I mean by that is that I will try to do whatever we need to work things out. I have a really bad habit of saying things before I actually think about what is coming out.

Ever since the first time that I cheated, I have lied to him about that and about stupid things that don't even matter. Now he thinks that I lie to him about everything. Which, I did do for 3 or 4 years.

But when everything came out (2 or 3 weeks ago), he basically told me that if I told him the truth about everything that we MIGHT be able to work things out. So, I did. Against the advise of my Grandmother and best Friend. They both told me that I should just keep lying to him about what I actually did. But I decided that if nothing else, he deserved the absolute truth. Maybe it's because I figured that our relationship was going to be over either way. I guess it is in a way.

Some days, he says he wants me to move out, then others, he talks about working things out. He told me that because he hasn't gotten the answer to his questions (Can and How can he forget? & Can he ever trust me again and will we be able to move on) he figures that the only thing to do if for me to leave. He said that he thinks that if I do we might be able to work things out. That it may take a month or 6 months, or a year or maybe even years if ever. I'm thinking that maybe he's testing me to see if I will just leave or stay and fight for our relationship and also to see if I will cheat on him again.

I am so confused, I don't know if I'm coming or going. Half of mine and my daughters things are packed. I'm getting my clothes out of boxes and still trying to change the things that he needs or wants changed.

PLEASE HELP!!!! Time is of the essence! Thank you to all who respond.

Jwilliams:confused: :confused: :confused:

[Dave]

Just a few quick thoughts tonight - perhaps Kate will have more to say in a day or so.

First - you have done the right thing by telling the whole truth - you cannot possibly re-build trust based on lies, or part truths - this has to be a whole hearted approach.

Second take a look at Kate's article on Re-building Trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) - it will help you understand the basics.

Next take a look at some of the other articles in the section on affairs and see if between you you can figure out why you were drawn into this behaviour - then look for practical strategies to break free.

If you BOTH want to make this work you can - it will be painful and tough, but commitment to each other is the key.

Good luck

Dave

[Unregistered]

I went through some of the similar things that you are going through right now!!!!
BUT I moved out....let me tell you that was probly the stupidest thing I ever did....because then it gave him a chance to hide his pain into "someone elses chest"
I cheated on my husband first....and I told him right away....when I left he then cheated on me repeatedly....even though we were "trying" to work things out.
Now 2 yrs since I betrayed him and less than 1 since he did me....and I feel the biggest regret ever!....I wish I would have never left because the trust that I had in him was gone not just because I was suspicious....BUT because I was the one who started all of this greif!
We have been trying to work things out now for about 8 months....and I have so much emotional pain trying to do this....let me tell you that you need to listen to your heart....and know when to listen to your head!!!! because emotions in themselves can cause alot of impact!!!! I Love my husband with all of my being! and I don't even know why I did it?....BUT if you both even have the slightest fighting chance THEN GO FOR IT!!!! BUT you cannot do it alone!!!! there is soooo much distrust, greif, and pain for both of you right now! I will say that if you can get counseling to salvage the marriage then DO IT!!!! but it has to be agreed on both sides that is what you want! They will help you both talk out your problems, how you are feeling, where you want to go with it, and how you can get there! but you are a big factor in this also!!!! I hope that you and your husband can work things out!!!! If there is Love there....then it will survive! Just tell yourselves "we will make it" and it may take alot of time but if you do make it....it will be soooo worth it! (just something to think about)