Separation

[Gerri524]

My husband and I have been married 32 years and it's turbulent for almost all that time. He's walked out several times but after a few weeks he always wants to come home and I have always taken him back. He has had a problem making love to me for at least 15 years but we always made excuses for it(blood pressure meds,alcohol,etc. Well he picked a fight and walked out on me again 2 weeks ago and when I met with him to discuss what had happened,I found out that he has been seeing someone for 4-6 weeks and guess what he isn't impotent with her....so what does this say about me. 2 months ago,he said he loved me and now he's ready to throw our life together away. I feel used and abused and so very sad mainly because I now know that he obviously has a lot of pent up anger towards me and that has shown itself by his inability to be intimate with me. I love this man and we have a well established pattern of him running away and me isolating myself whenever there is a problem...the long and the short of it is,He's not at a point where he's thinking he made a mistake and looking to try again and I can't risk going through this 1 more time....I saw a lawyer today to prepare a separation agreement...its never ever gotten to this point before and it scares the hell out of me. I'm second guessing myself..wondering if I drove in the last nail today....and alternating between absolute rage and deep despair..how do I get past this if he never wants to work it out ...and why am I such an easy mark?

[Liz]

Gerri,

I guess that your husband doesn't want to give up on you after all those years, but didn't know where to go next to get through the problems in your relationship.

As you say yourself you seem to get into a cycle. I think you're right not to want to go through the cycle again, but perhaps there are other ways of doing that. What could you do differently in response to him. You say you isolate your self when there's a problem. It sounds as if you both practice avoidance. He runs away and you isolate yourself.

The decision you face is whether you want to try to make things work or whether you are ready to give up. If it's the latter you may find some useful advice here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/). If you want to try and get to the bottm of what is going on between you then the Marital First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) has some useful insights into typical problems and how to face them.

It's a really painful and frightening time that you are going through, and your emotions sound very turbulent. I hope that acknowledging that they are there and recognising that there are folks out here that care will help a little to egt you through these difficult days.

All the best

Liz

[Unregistered]

I am sorry not to agree with the moderator, this lady needs to keep her self respect and get this man out of her life as he is a serial offender. He has lied to her and to be having an affair and the impotent thing was a lie then he is not worth her wasting her time with him.

The hardest part of making a decision is to go to a lawyer, once that is done then a flow takes over.

However if she still does love him and he her then fine, but you can't force someone to love you back and she has to decide if that is what she wants..

Pride and self respect as a lot harder to get back. Let him go and find yourself your own life. I know 32 years is a long time to give up but look forward not back.

[Liz]

I think if you look closely at my reply I am actually not telling Gerri what to do, but talking her through the options and sources of information.

Surely it is important not to give advice like "get this man out of her life", but to enable the person posting to make their own decisions. Self respect and dignity come from recognising that you have within yourself the wherewithal to make your own decision.

Liz

[Gerri]

Just an update in response to your replies. Both my husband and I come from very dysfunctional families and I recognize how each of us avoided conflict. I'm seeing a counsellor and dealing with my own issues because I have no intention of continuing this destructive pattern . I still love my husband but I am not optimistic that we'll resolve this....we both would have to acknowledge and deal with the baggage we swept under the rug for 30+ years and to be honest,I don't think he'll have the guts to do it. I'm actually doing very well considering ...still hoping on some level that he will want to work this out but if not,I'm quite capable of looking after myself.