My marriage has fallen apart and we can't figure out how to put it back together. [Archive]

Liz

9th March 2004, 10:40 PM

Hi there,

I don't think I could live with my husband staying out over night possibly with women. It seems like you perhaps need to establish some basic ground rules about what is acceptable and what isn't.

Do you think that your husband would go to some form of marriage counselling with you, since you have so much difficulty in discussing the issues you face calmly?

If he isn't willing for that, then you might try looking at some of the relationship advice here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) for some tips. You might particularly look at the article on making fights work for your relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/fightwork/). I get the feel from what you've written that you're both too busy defending your position and protecting yourself from the other taking advantage that neither of you can be expressing or experiencing much love.

Best wishes

Liz

Unregistered

30th March 2004, 09:06 AM

First of all, you CANNOT change another person. You can't force someone to want the same things you do. from what I've read you see marriage as trust, honesty and loyalty, and to put it bluntly...he doesn't. He seems like a dysfunctional personal who will only cause pain and confusion to anyone who is unfortunate enough to get close to him. You cannot force him to stay sober, you cannot force him to stay loyal, you cannot force him to be nice and respectful to you and your child, you cannot make him someone he is not, you cannot force him to see the error of his ways.

Step outside of the bubble you are living in now and seriously ponder these questions tonight when you can get a few minutes to yourself. Write your answers down.

What do you want out of a relationship?
Why are you choosing to give him so much power over you, your baby and your happiness?
What positive things does he bring into your life?
What negative things does he bring into your life?
What kind of influence will his behavior have on your son?
How will your unhappiness with your spouse affect your son?
What steps can you take to regain control over the situation?

There are many wonderful men in the world. The wonderful thing about being women today is you have a choice of who you want involved in your life. Another question to ask yourself is: why am I attracted to such a dysfunctional person? My guess is you feel like you don't deserve better. That no one else would want you, especially now that you have a son. You are afraid of being rejected. You are hurt that you can't make him change. You are hurt that you cannot make him love you. You are afraid that for a time you will not have a "significant other" although what you really have now is a "dysfunctional other". You are afraid of not having a father for your son,but what is your son going to get out of growing up in the chaos you are living in now? My fear is he will grow up to be just like your spouse.

Please take the time to answer these questions posted here. Please go to see a counselor, anywhere, if you do not have the money explain it to them, I guarantee they will work it out with you.

The only person you can change is YOURSELF. You make the decisions that affect you and your son. You can choose to take back the power that you've always had inside, but have chosen to hand it over to your spouse. Once you open your eyes, heart and mind and see what love you have to give, that you do deserve more, that you are strong and beautiful inside you will regain 3 things: Power and control over your own and your sons life, self-love and the opportunity to find REAL LOVE.

I know, I was where you are now about 10 years ago. And guess what? I am now a very happy mother and wife of an awesome man. And what happened to my dysfunctional guy? Still a loser, driving his current girlfriends crazy. I feel a little sorry for him, but more sorry for myself that I got my selfsucked into his destructive life.

There is happiness. there is real love. There is men who are wonderful. Don't hold yourself back from what God intended for you.

Best of luck to you

"Dr. Lil"