Unregistered
2nd March 2004, 10:19 PM
It will be difficult for me to put all that's happened between Joe and I here. I have no idea where to start except to say that I believe that I am mired forever in a vicious vortex of madness that was created between the poles of my own hard-earned Life Lessons on self/marriage/parenting and Joe's over-developed sense of personal satisfaction and self-centered attitude.
I will try to put it in a bare bones nutshell for the sake of the bulletin board:
I met Joe during a time in my life when a had decided I had done all I could in my marriage and that I would set down an ultimatum. Predictably, my ultimatum was accepted and trumped (no, you will NEVER truly know a person) and my 17 year marriage ended Just-Like-That.
Vulnerability and separation from my children drove me to seek support where I would have never done so before - in a stranger. Sure, he said the right things and seemed ever so sincere. He acted so sympathetic and did all the right things - until the day I started to recover my senses and began to think on my own. Needless to say, all Hell broke loose. I learned some things about him I could have done without knowing. I also learned alot about myself - my weaknesses - that had never been so apparent at any stage in my life or during any time of extreme emotional turmoil. It was betrayal upon betrayal ... and ultimately too much for me to bear.
This was just the beginning. I will not add in the fact that we lived in two separate countries or bore you with our struggles with Immigrations. I will not drag things out now listing all the details of our many conflicts (from minute to gargantuan) in our relationship, or the frequency and diversity that has stretched the limits of my (generous by proportion) forgiveness and ability to compromise.
I will though, suffice it to say that I (mother of 7, 39 yo American, housewife by trade- and good at it) entered into a relationship with a man - and yes, fell head-over-effing- heels in love - who lived on the other side of the planet (48, self-serving, caring, angry, uncommunicative, handsome, full of guile and suspicion, untrusting, disrespectful, unforgiving) and have thrice been enticed into returning to this proverbial frying pan!!
True: I had/have no real experience with dating - married at 17.
True: Marriage and family were the focus of my future from the time I can remember - the only life I wanted.
True: The man I married didnt appreciate me - I could forgive ... but for how long?
True: Realization I've fallen into a similar trap has me scrambling for options I cannot see - being a person of action, the fact that I am finding it hard to work out a solution has be totally flummuxed.
False: Love can do anything - a reality that struck me square between the eyes.
False: Give all you can, and it will come back to you - 4 years, and I'm still waiting.
False: Living with/being married to someone you love will give you the strength you need to fight feeling lonely, depressed, isolated, unappreciated- this only works if its mutual (BOTH sides, vulnerability, honesty, and support).
False: Love is all you need - love is the glue that holds all the myriad bits of a relationship together, but in the end it is what you do with the bits and how you apply the glue that matters the most. Harmony, respect, equality, trust, forgiveness, compassion, and yes, humility are a few of the most important ingredients that make up a lasting, loving relationship - none of which I have with Joe.
What I do have with Joe though, is a daughter (2 1/2). I find I enjoy living in this country, and would like to stay here, even if it means living without the person I had hoped would be my support. I know I am strong enough and have the skills to support myself financially, but am finding it impossible to talk an employer into giving me a chance (6 months and 40 applications later!). Staying here will also mean that Gillian can know her father and her family here ... I'm just not sure I can make the move to leave him. I feel I am fighting a losing battle with my anger over mistreatment and the lack of respect I deserve circling my love for this man and my (bruised) belief that I can make things work.
Help me! I am a rock with a jelly center ... and I feel I've no more choices. I feel trapped, an outsider, weak and alone.
I need options ...
Becky
I will try to put it in a bare bones nutshell for the sake of the bulletin board:
I met Joe during a time in my life when a had decided I had done all I could in my marriage and that I would set down an ultimatum. Predictably, my ultimatum was accepted and trumped (no, you will NEVER truly know a person) and my 17 year marriage ended Just-Like-That.
Vulnerability and separation from my children drove me to seek support where I would have never done so before - in a stranger. Sure, he said the right things and seemed ever so sincere. He acted so sympathetic and did all the right things - until the day I started to recover my senses and began to think on my own. Needless to say, all Hell broke loose. I learned some things about him I could have done without knowing. I also learned alot about myself - my weaknesses - that had never been so apparent at any stage in my life or during any time of extreme emotional turmoil. It was betrayal upon betrayal ... and ultimately too much for me to bear.
This was just the beginning. I will not add in the fact that we lived in two separate countries or bore you with our struggles with Immigrations. I will not drag things out now listing all the details of our many conflicts (from minute to gargantuan) in our relationship, or the frequency and diversity that has stretched the limits of my (generous by proportion) forgiveness and ability to compromise.
I will though, suffice it to say that I (mother of 7, 39 yo American, housewife by trade- and good at it) entered into a relationship with a man - and yes, fell head-over-effing- heels in love - who lived on the other side of the planet (48, self-serving, caring, angry, uncommunicative, handsome, full of guile and suspicion, untrusting, disrespectful, unforgiving) and have thrice been enticed into returning to this proverbial frying pan!!
True: I had/have no real experience with dating - married at 17.
True: Marriage and family were the focus of my future from the time I can remember - the only life I wanted.
True: The man I married didnt appreciate me - I could forgive ... but for how long?
True: Realization I've fallen into a similar trap has me scrambling for options I cannot see - being a person of action, the fact that I am finding it hard to work out a solution has be totally flummuxed.
False: Love can do anything - a reality that struck me square between the eyes.
False: Give all you can, and it will come back to you - 4 years, and I'm still waiting.
False: Living with/being married to someone you love will give you the strength you need to fight feeling lonely, depressed, isolated, unappreciated- this only works if its mutual (BOTH sides, vulnerability, honesty, and support).
False: Love is all you need - love is the glue that holds all the myriad bits of a relationship together, but in the end it is what you do with the bits and how you apply the glue that matters the most. Harmony, respect, equality, trust, forgiveness, compassion, and yes, humility are a few of the most important ingredients that make up a lasting, loving relationship - none of which I have with Joe.
What I do have with Joe though, is a daughter (2 1/2). I find I enjoy living in this country, and would like to stay here, even if it means living without the person I had hoped would be my support. I know I am strong enough and have the skills to support myself financially, but am finding it impossible to talk an employer into giving me a chance (6 months and 40 applications later!). Staying here will also mean that Gillian can know her father and her family here ... I'm just not sure I can make the move to leave him. I feel I am fighting a losing battle with my anger over mistreatment and the lack of respect I deserve circling my love for this man and my (bruised) belief that I can make things work.
Help me! I am a rock with a jelly center ... and I feel I've no more choices. I feel trapped, an outsider, weak and alone.
I need options ...
Becky