Young married and unhappy...

[neoscopic]

Hi I am in a bind...
I have been married for about 2 years...(since I was 18)....I loved my wife and my 1 year old daughter...Here is the thing:
I began dating my wife the same night that I got dumped from my fiance...It was a rebound...After dating for 7 months she got pregnant at the age of 18 (she is a preacher's daughter). We got married because she was pregnant and I was pressured to do so and be a "man".
Now I am 20 and hate where I am. I look at my wife as a chore not a privlege. She annoys me everyday. It is either she lost a check or forgot her keys or did something else irresponsible. Well, now I am ready to call it quits. I hate that I want to leave, but I just feel like I am not ready growing up and can not do a good job as a husband. I also feel that I cheated us both out of a lively youth and the experiences normal 20-21 year olds experience.
Another twist; I have met this incredible smart, beautiful young woman that I can not stop thinking about. No matter what I always am thinking about her. We get along so well. Well, in two days, I am going to her apartment to just "hang out"...nothing physical at all (although she is attractive, I am determined to develop a healthy mental relationship with her instead). This is not a lust thing. We have conversations about things that I don't with my wife...I feel stuck ...
Someone help me please!
Thx,
Jon

[Kate]

Hi there Jon,

The first thing that strikes me about your posting is that you say you loved your wife - why is that past tense? Love is not only about feelings, is it. My understanding of what love is about, is commitment, wanting the best for the other, deciding to act in a loving manner. Fortunately it's often accompanied by loving feelings but through 25 years of marriage, I can tell you that those loving feelings are not always there!

You talk about meeting your wife on the rebound, yet you went on dating her for 7 months before she got pregnant.

It can't have been easy for you having to decide what to do when you found she was pregnant. I’m sure there was pressure on you, but then the baby didn't come along without some help from you. You say you haven't had the chance to grow up, well surely one of the important parts of growing up is learning to take responsibility for your actions. That's what you did.

Most people marry and then find the reality of married life takes some adjusting to. In fact it's that adjusting and learning to love each other warts and all that builds the enduring strength into a marriage. Are you just going to give up because someone has come along who is attractive and meets your emotional needs and who interests you?

There are quite a few people who cross our path who we can look at and say, I could have married them, but as I understand it marriage is about consenting to commit to someone for life, not while it's convenient, fun and easy.

Perhaps I sound a bit hard, but I’m sitting here thinking of your poor wife and child. It's a bit tough that she annoys you and you want out!!?!

Hey don't they deserve a bit more. It's not her fault that you haven't got over what happened with the fiancée you had before her.

Are you being really honest with yourself - I think you're looking for an excuse for your relationship with this other woman. Yeh and you only want her mind?!

Why not take some responsibility for your marriage and start acting lovingly towards your wife. Why not try and find out what makes a marriage work, there are loads of resources on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) and here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/). Perhaps then you'll find out that you have actually got something very precious that is worth taking care of.

Kate

[Unregistered]

It sounds like you got married before you were ready. 18 is really young. I got married at 21--no children--but my husband still decided to leave me--but I can see your side of things. You seem to be very mature and responsible at 20--but I guess you have to be. It sucks that your marriage is falling apart, but you owe it to your wife to be honest with her. I can tell you, building an emotional bond with another woman is as bad as, or sometimes worse, than a sexual relationship. You're wife deserves to know so that she can move on with her own life. If you think you might want to work things out--you guys should see a professional--that might help even if things are going to end. But you can't go on letting her believe things are ok and build a relationship (even if it's platonic) with this other woman. good luck!

[Unregistered]

I agree you were too young to get married. A baby is no reason to be married if you do not love the person. that will only bring resentment and unhappiness. Marriage is a huge commitment and I could never see how some people can decide at such a young age to spend the next 50 years wih someone. My advice? Be a good Dad. be a respectful and caring husband, even if you decide to leave- after all she IS the Mother of your child. But don't lower yourself to sneaking around behind your wifes back. If you want to be with this other girl do it AFTER you settle things with your wife. If the other girl is a good person She will respect that you took care of things before starting fresh with her and will respect the space that you need to settle things. You will respect yourself for doing the right thing. And please, wait until you are MUCH older before you pick a life partner. You have a long life ahead of you and you may find someone that you love, but first you need to focus on your current situation and deal with it in a mature, loving manner.

Good luck to you.

[Unregistered]

I agree with so much said in the last posting, but I don't agree that you have to wait a long time to get married. My son is getting married at 21 and he knows his mind and is committed to making things work. I married at 23. It's only in the last 15 or 20 years that people have delayed getting married and many of them do that by living together. In some respects they might as well be married, but they aren’t' prepared to make the commitment. They take on a mortgage together even having children but won't commit to working on their marriage for the rest of their lives. I find this rather odd and hard to understand.

[Fletch]

I'm with Kate, lock step.

One thing I think needs to be said.

Don't mess with this other woman! If you're alone with her its bound to lead to more trouble. Don't make a bigger mess than you're already in.