jmps
26th February 2004, 12:19 AM
Hi
I posted a message earlier about 'does counselling work' and thought i'd better elaborate on my situation.
I'm 30 married to my wife who's 28, we have an 11 month old daughter.
Backin November my wife suggested we needed to talk about our relationship. When the day arrived, out of the blue she said she thought we should split up and that she didnt love me any more. Things I said to her over time had chipped away at her love for me. Also the lack of things i did around the house didnt help matters. She left to stay with her parents for the night to give me some space it as the longest night of my life i can tell you.
MOving forward I suggested that I move out for a couple of weeks to let us breathe a little and give each other some space.
During that time I decided to see a stress/anxiety counsellor. To cut a long story short it came out that the bad relationship with my father while growing up was to blame. Basically any time I felt stressed or threatened I'd curl up into my own little world, living in a bubble if you like. Once threatened I'd lash out at you;ve guessed it, my wife. I could also never admit I was wrong and could not see that anything i was saying was wrong either as it would admit defeat to my father. By the time i'd finished with the counsellor i could see everything clearly and actually see past the end of my nose. I HAD behaved like a complete @rsehole, took my wife for granted and treated her badly. In a way i couldnt blame her for what she said given that now I could see exactly how i'd behaved and that I now realise what's important in life...my wife and daughter.
When the two weeks were up, i came back and we decided to talk again. But the answer was still the same. I told her what happened at the counsellors and that I realised everywhere i was wrong etc and that i could now see everything so clearly now and I'd taken her for granted, not shown her i loved her and been so selfish. She appreciated my comments on this and that i was extremely remorseful for how i must have made her feel. But still didnt change things. To be honest it must be so hard for her to understand i've changed just like that when all along i said that i could never change. Well I have, since the bombshell I'm doing and saying really nice and pleasant things without consciously doing them.
Anyway 3 months on and we're still living under the same roof. We are getting on really well, having a laugh and joke etc, same as we should have been before, the only difference being come bedtime I turn right at the top of the stairs and she turns left. I've written letters to her as often i feel i forget important things during a conversation, explaining that i cant understand it's over just like that and that we've had no chance to try to put things right. Obviously in my old denial stage i wouldnt have realised things maybe had not been right. But still the same no.
By the way, i feel i'd better mention that i know for sure there is noone else involved.
I suggested counselling but that was knocked back "They cant wave a magic wand and make me love you again"
But I said that seeing as we were getting on so well, and that she'd acknowledged i had changed surely that is grounds for a least trying to go to RELATE or try again even. SHe also says she cares for me and would miss me when i'm gone. Which to me doesnt make sense to just throw everyhting awat just like that.
Eventually she relented and said she would come to RELATE, but only to give me closure on the marriage. we went to the initial consultation which at the end the woman said she thought it worth having a course of counselling. This filled me with some hope that maybe my wife was prepared to give it a go and go to counselling with an open mind. But just this week she is still of the same opinion.
So my question is to anyone who' s been here before. Is there hope? can relate make my wife see things differently? Or am I wasting our times.
I love my wife to death and want to show her exactly how much by being as i should have been before. To be without her and my daughter would kill me. The really stupid thing here is that Ive really enjoyed the last three months in some ways because I now know how important and precious things are in life. I've really bonded with my daughter and as i said I'm getting on with my wife.
Sorry to bore you all with this but Ive not spoken with people who may have been here before.
Thanks for reading
Mike
ps good site by the way
I posted a message earlier about 'does counselling work' and thought i'd better elaborate on my situation.
I'm 30 married to my wife who's 28, we have an 11 month old daughter.
Backin November my wife suggested we needed to talk about our relationship. When the day arrived, out of the blue she said she thought we should split up and that she didnt love me any more. Things I said to her over time had chipped away at her love for me. Also the lack of things i did around the house didnt help matters. She left to stay with her parents for the night to give me some space it as the longest night of my life i can tell you.
MOving forward I suggested that I move out for a couple of weeks to let us breathe a little and give each other some space.
During that time I decided to see a stress/anxiety counsellor. To cut a long story short it came out that the bad relationship with my father while growing up was to blame. Basically any time I felt stressed or threatened I'd curl up into my own little world, living in a bubble if you like. Once threatened I'd lash out at you;ve guessed it, my wife. I could also never admit I was wrong and could not see that anything i was saying was wrong either as it would admit defeat to my father. By the time i'd finished with the counsellor i could see everything clearly and actually see past the end of my nose. I HAD behaved like a complete @rsehole, took my wife for granted and treated her badly. In a way i couldnt blame her for what she said given that now I could see exactly how i'd behaved and that I now realise what's important in life...my wife and daughter.
When the two weeks were up, i came back and we decided to talk again. But the answer was still the same. I told her what happened at the counsellors and that I realised everywhere i was wrong etc and that i could now see everything so clearly now and I'd taken her for granted, not shown her i loved her and been so selfish. She appreciated my comments on this and that i was extremely remorseful for how i must have made her feel. But still didnt change things. To be honest it must be so hard for her to understand i've changed just like that when all along i said that i could never change. Well I have, since the bombshell I'm doing and saying really nice and pleasant things without consciously doing them.
Anyway 3 months on and we're still living under the same roof. We are getting on really well, having a laugh and joke etc, same as we should have been before, the only difference being come bedtime I turn right at the top of the stairs and she turns left. I've written letters to her as often i feel i forget important things during a conversation, explaining that i cant understand it's over just like that and that we've had no chance to try to put things right. Obviously in my old denial stage i wouldnt have realised things maybe had not been right. But still the same no.
By the way, i feel i'd better mention that i know for sure there is noone else involved.
I suggested counselling but that was knocked back "They cant wave a magic wand and make me love you again"
But I said that seeing as we were getting on so well, and that she'd acknowledged i had changed surely that is grounds for a least trying to go to RELATE or try again even. SHe also says she cares for me and would miss me when i'm gone. Which to me doesnt make sense to just throw everyhting awat just like that.
Eventually she relented and said she would come to RELATE, but only to give me closure on the marriage. we went to the initial consultation which at the end the woman said she thought it worth having a course of counselling. This filled me with some hope that maybe my wife was prepared to give it a go and go to counselling with an open mind. But just this week she is still of the same opinion.
So my question is to anyone who' s been here before. Is there hope? can relate make my wife see things differently? Or am I wasting our times.
I love my wife to death and want to show her exactly how much by being as i should have been before. To be without her and my daughter would kill me. The really stupid thing here is that Ive really enjoyed the last three months in some ways because I now know how important and precious things are in life. I've really bonded with my daughter and as i said I'm getting on with my wife.
Sorry to bore you all with this but Ive not spoken with people who may have been here before.
Thanks for reading
Mike
ps good site by the way