I have to tell him and I need advice

[Unregistered]

My God where do I begin? I've been married to my husband for 20 years, he's a Godsend, my helpmate, my soulmate. He loves me and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. There is nothing wrong in our marriage that makes me do what I do. I've done alot of soul searching, I've asked questions, I've researched and I've found that the problem is within me. I had an affair about 3 years ago, I told my husband about it because of guilt and I've learned thru research that that is the wrong reason to tell. We didn't discuss why, he just forgave me and our lives went on. I thought the reason I had the affair was because there was a part of my life from my childhood that he couldn't except. I felt lonely because I couldn't go to him about it. I felt ashamed for it because it was a taboo subject. I have found that I'm the one who doesn't except my past, I'm the one who denies it and I'm the one who makes it forbidden to talk about because I don't want to face my demons. I had another affair just a few months ago. It really wasn't an affair, there was no emotional attachment or anything like that, I guess it was more like a few one night stands. Regardless, I betrayed him again. I'd like to tell you all a little about him if I may. He's never hit me, never even raised a hand. He's worked hard to support us, he came from a good christian family whom I love and respect dearly. He's never verbally or mentally abused me. A couple of months ago I was injured at work and required surgery for a fractured hip. I'm still recuperating at home. He waited on me hand and foot, helped me with my showers, he fixed my meals, cleaned house and never ever complained one time. I've had alot of time on my hands these past couple of months and alot of time to think. I've decided it's time to tell him because for one, if I don't our marriage is going to be strained anyway. Two, he deserves the choice as to whether he wants to stay married to me and the last and least important is that I can't live with the guilt anymore. These past couple of months I've basically been living on a day to day basis. How do I begin to tell him, that's the hardest thing.

[Liz]

Hello there,

Please think very carefully about whether you want to tell your husband and why you do. I'm all for honesty, but if it's your guilt that you need to deal with there are other ways. You say your husband is a Christian. Then perhaps you too have a faith. You can find forgiveness with God by seeking help from a Christian minister. I suggest that you wait until you have done that before you decide whether to tell your husband.

After that you can decide whether it's your responsibility to carry the pain of what you have done or to tell him. I also believe it will be easier to see how to tell him when you have found peace with God over what you have done.

What is also important is to come to understand why you are being unfaithful and seek help to deal with your problems, so that you never step out into unfaithfulness again.

You have a wonderful husband who obviously loves you deeply. If you decide tell him there is no doubt that he will be hurt, but he has already shown how forgiving he is. I do hope that you can find peace and a way forward.

Liz