I feel depressed

[sugar1967]

Hello

I am writing because I am looking for advice about how to deal with my marital problems. I got married in July last year, after one and a half years living with my partner. We love each other dearly, and he is not only a great man, but also a loving husband.
The problem is that in the last few weeks i have been feeling depressed. He works until late in the computer, and ususally I fall sleep alone watching TV in my room. At the beggining that was only during the weekdays, but now is also the weekends, and I feel lonely and sad, but I do not feel is fair to ask him not to do something he really enjoys. So I have been keeping quiet, but my depression is getting worse.
Last weekend I felt very sad because we did spend all valentines day together, but he did nothing romantic, he bought me a present, true, but he make me choose it. He was going to take me out for dinner, but he ate a lot in the afternoon and was too full to go for dinner. So we went to the movies, which is nice, but is something we do all the time, nothing special. He use to bring me roses for no reason, but this weekend he did not even bought a flower to say I love you. I know he loves me, but I would like to hear it from him. But again, I also feel guilty because I did not buy anything for him (I knew he was not going to buy anything for me), so I cannot ask for something that I am not giving to him.
I also have a lot of activities during the day and weekends, and before I use to have a car to drive to my activities and leave him alone to work. But my car is broken down, and I cannot move as independently as I use to, and therefore I feel bored and depressed at home, doing chores that I do not like, only to scape from the boredom, but I know is not his fault. However I get angry because he does not realize that I feel trapped.
Also I miss our sexual live. We are not very sexually active, but we use to enjoy sex once a week, usually on the weekends, when we have a little more time to relax. But lately we do not seem to find the right moment to have sex anymore. The last time we have sex was in December, almost three months ago!! When I ask him why was that he said that we are both too busy...and I am worried because we are just married, and we already have trouble to find time to each other...what is going to happen when we have kids?
I love my husband, and I know he loves me, but I feel like we are falling in a trap, and none of us knows how to help the other to rescue the relationship. Can anyone help me?

[Kate]

Hi there,

It is so easy to slip into taking your relationship for granted. Couples often find this happening to them at some point in the early years of marriage. When you are courting you make a big effort to "win" your partner, but once you settle down, you may not make the same effort to show your love for each other.

It's easy then to feel disappointed and sad. Many of us are not quite sure how to handle this. The usual reaction is to withdraw into a sort of independence, doing our own thing. This leads to increasing separation and loneliness. Perhaps this is all there is ahead, we think.

It doesn't have to be like that. Try and share your feelings and concerns with your husband, not blaming him, but just telling him how it is for you. Don't expect him to read your mind or just "know" how you are feeling. There are some tips here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) on how to build strong communication between you.

There are courses you can do to keep your marriage flourishing and they are listed here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Finding ways to show your love for each other is another good thing to do. Each of us experience love differently. Gary Chapman writes in his book "The Five love Languages" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/fivelovelang/) about Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. Perhaps you could talk about what the other does that enables you to feel loved and try and make a big effort each day to do something special for each other. You may find that it becomes a habit. It doesn't have to be something big. My husband experiences my love through physical touch, so when he comes in each evening, I make the effort to put down what he's doing and meet him with a big hug.

Just a few thought that I hope may help you find a way forward.

Kate