What's wrong with me??

[Unregistered]

Hi there,

I am here because I am having problems with my regular misery. This is the latest of it.

I am married with two young children, and have been with my husband for the past 10 years.

My husband has an old female school friend who came onto the scene again in our earlier days (maybe 7 years back now), and although he knew that I didn't appreciate the way she or he didn't want to include me in their friendship and a few flirting things she did, he didn't try to stress to her that it caused me problems. They made me feel second best. I felt like he didn't care about my feelings.

Although; we talked about it, I cried for what seemed like forever, I wrote to tell him how I felt, and we talked about it again, he never really seemed to understand where I was coming form because as far as he was concerned, she as just a friend and he wasn't interested in her that way.

I decided to shut up and accept it and promised myself I would never talk to him about it again. Now it has come back to my mind and I broke that promise. He is not happy about it and I am back to square one.

How can I get over this? I thought that I was coping. It's doing my head in !!

[Liz]

I wonder if you just have different ways of viewing this situation. Some men can’t understand why their wife might be upset by a relationship like this, because they are quite sure that this relationship is no threat to the way they feel about their wife. The wife, however, can feel fearful that although that's the way it is now, it might change, or they might be being taken in by it all.

I can see your point of view. I have been in a similar place myself, but I can also see your husband's point of view. He doesn't want to have to give up on every friendship with someone of the opposite sex, because he's married. He doesn't see any problem or danger.

I think that you need to be very honest with yourself and ask whether the problem with the situation is not partly your own insecurity. I have had to accept and believe my husband that although he mixes with and finds other women attractive he would never step beyond acceptable behaviour. He has admitted that he likes the admiration of other women at times. He's aware of the danger and I trust him. Similarly I do sometimes find other men attractive and I have a rule to always tell David when that happens. By keeping it out in the open, we protect ourselves from temptation, because we are making ourselves accountable to each other. There is an article on trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) on the site that might help you.

I firmly believe that we can't change our spouse, but that we can face our own insecurities and attitudes and change them and so, with love, create an atmosphere where our partner may eventually choose to act differently.

Perhaps it’s a case of keeping an eye on the relationship, but also believing that your husband loves you and married you, not this other woman. You aren’t second best – you are his first choice!

Liz

:)