Please help

[keenlil2]

:confused: I don't know what to do. My husband and I just got married last April. Because his mom was dying we planned and married in 6 days. We have been together off and on for 10 years. He has always worshipped the ground I walked on. I couldn't say or do anything wrong in his eyes untill the day we got married. Now it is horrible He lies to me about insignificant things. I don't even want to be around him any more because it is horrible to not be able to trust someone you love. I don't think he is cheating but i do know he thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. He thinks his brother and sis_in-law have the best marriage. That's just because they don't air their dirty laundry like he feels we have to. The only time he wants to go visit his family is when she is there, I stopped going I don't want a relationship with his family they treat me bad. He calls there not to talk to his brother or his dad but to talk to her. I don't get it. I can't say or do anything right I don't even want to be intimate because of his lying. It discusts me. I can't seem to do enough for him. Should I just give up? should I keep trying? Will he ever change ? Somebody please help. Thank you. Lil

[Kate]

Hello there,

I wonder what it is that he finds positive in his relationship with his sister-in-law. That might shed some light on what he's looking for in a relationship.

Have you ever managed to talk to him calmly about why he thinks his brother has such a good marriage. If you could that might also reveal what expectations he has for marriage.

When folk have been living together for a long time they can have all sorts of expectations of what marriage will be like from "Nothing will change, it's only a piece of paper" to "It'll solve all our problems".

Things do change when you enter the state of being married. You've made public promises to each other. When couples are cohabiting, there is always a let out to the commitment. That can work both ways, the people involved may not be fully committed or they may live in fear, even subconsciously of being left and so behave in a way to keep their partner happy.

When they marry they may expect these things to change and be disappointed or they may not make the whole hearted commitment and so disappoint their spouse.

It sounds as if you married in some haste, which I suspect means that you didn't have any preparation for marriage. Many folk who have been living together think they don't need any, but actually it's always good to spend time learning how to love and care for each other better and trying to understand each other. Something that you might find helpful is FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/foccus/) or Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/prepinc/). These programmes help you to identify your strengths and growth points and to talk about them together. They're available in the US as well as the UK.

Otherwise there are lots of enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) too, which help to give your marriage a boost.

Before the pain and misunderstanding build up too much, why not do something to give your marriage a helping hand. it doesn't have to be counselling - these programmes I've mentioned are more about building on the good things than agonising over the bad ones.

If trust is an issue why not look at the article on it here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/).

All the best

Kate

[keenlil2]

Thank you Kate for replying. Well his brother and sis-in-law go out alot they are drinkers and they have had their share of problems. He doesn't believe that they disagree with each other on anything. They do believe me. That is one marriage if you ask me should have been over years ago. And my husband thinks that a disagreement is a fight and the relationship should be over if you fight. He has a very hard time communicating. He gets mad and just doesn't talk for a LONG time and then I get upset that he's not talking and it does get heated when it finally comes out. I've tried to talk to him about this and if he tells me if I said something that upsets him to tell me and 99% of the time it's that he has just misunderstood and it could be resolved in an instant. Instead he says he don't want to argue. I've tried and tried to let him know that a disagreement is not a fight. And that everyone's relationship has ups and downs. No 2 people agree on everything all the time. I just think if he hears it from another it may sink in. I love him very much.... but I love the man I married even more not what he's turned into. Your right I didn't feel anything would change we had a good relationship. He teased me or so I thought before we got married about things will change.. we just laughed it off. But he was serious. He expects me to be this mardar women I have never been. I work and have 2 children on top of it. I can always be perfect and do everything he expects now. Before he never expected it. Why is that? Is there anyway to go back to the way things were. I miss him. I am going to let him read these posts so maybe if he hears it from someone else.......Maybe it will help. Thanks again Kate
Lil

[Kate]

Hi Lil,

How are things with you?

It occurred to me after reading your last post that you had different attitudes to conflict and communication. That is something that would become clear if you did Prepare or FOCCUS. There are articles about these things here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) on the site.

Married love can get stuck in a cycle of romance and disillusionment, things go well and then we get disappointed oor hurt about something and withdraw from each other, then things pick up for a bit. We've found that the thing that makes a real difference is both of us recognising that love can be a decision and choice. not just a feeling. When we choose to act lovingly towards each other rather than reacting to our feelings, the atmosphere between us is transformed.

I don't think you will necessarily get back to the way you were, but that is not a bad thing. Every marriage needs to move forward and as we learn more about each other and how to accept each other and show love in practical day to day ways then our love grows stronger and we find more joy in each other.

All the best to you both

Kate
:)