he doesn't love me anymore

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years (together for 18). We had many difficulties over the years because of separations (I'm american, he's european). Yet we were always able to overcome all the difficulties. We wrote eachother 591 letters in a 16 month period! When we got married we were finally able to be together. We had a wonderful marriage. Because of the economy, he got transferred with his job and I moved back to the states because of the bad economy. He was supposed to join me as soon as possible. Eventually I spent 3 years without him, only seeing him every 6 months or so. 4 years ago, we finally riunited and it seemed as though this time nothing was going to separate us ever again. The last three years he has been extremely distant. Our sex life has diminished to the point that he hasn't touched me in 6 mos. I thought it was stress because he works long hours. I have tried to get him to talk to me but he kept telling me to be patient. He just told me that he had an affair about 5 years ago and it lasted for a year. He has been involved with several people over the internet and has gotten to the point where he has had phone sex several times. (He claims they never met and at this time there is no one else). However, he can't continue our relationship because he doesn't love me anymore and he isn't attracted to me anymore. He's ready to throw away 18 years. He has spent the last 3 years getting used to the idea that he doesn't love me anymore and expects me to just accept it. I was completely blind sided. What I thought was stress has been him being judge, jury and executioner of our entire relationship! I still love him and am trying to convince him to seek counceling with me but he doesn't want to. If he stays, I'm afraid it's just for the kids. Am I crazy? Should I just give up? I can't reconcile the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. Any advice?

AT

[keenlil2]

Well I'm far from an expert But for me personally trust if very important. So do you trust him? If you are unhappy you need to do for your self to make you happy. If you are staying for the kids. Hey the kids grow up and they leave. Then there you are alone in a loveless marriage. I really don't have much advice because believe me I don't have the best marriage Just wanted to let you know that You are not alone and I'm here for support if you need some one to talk to. Lil

[Liz]

You too have had some huge pressures on your marriage with so much separation. it's perhaps not surprising that your husband doesn't feel "in love" any more. You've lived such separate lives for so long. However, I don't personally think that is the end of a marriage. It's just another challenge to face.

Sadly he has resorted to the temptations of the internet and an affair. You might like to look through the two areas of the site that deal with these issues here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/).

There are also programmes designed to refresh marriages available in the UK and USA. You can find out about them here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). Perhpas he woudl be willing to explore whether he can rediscover the lost spark in your marriage, but first you need to come to terms with what has happened and be able to forgive him if you can.

I hope that you can find some information that helps you to understand waht you are going through and what you want for the future.

With best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

Thank you so much for the information. I finally found out the truth. He's in love with someone else. He's had a relationship with her for about 3 years. I knew something was up and when I confronted him if he was having an affair, he would hug me and somehow make me believe the lie. Maybe I never wanted to face the truth. The fact is that not only does he have this other person that he claims to love but for the last 2.5 years he has told us that he works on saturdays and travels every other weekend for work. I believed him!! Well, he doesn't work on saturdays and he hardly ever travels for work! What an idiot I've been.

The logical person in me tells me to kick him out and give him a hard time. But I'm confused. I've tried to show him how much I still love him and that I'm willing to work with him to rebuild our relationship. Why can't I give him up? He was my soul mate and I feel that I'm losing more than a husband, but also my best friend. I can't believe I continue to fight for him. He wants to be with her and not me. Why do I try so hard and why can't I let him go? How long before I finally can accept this situation. I'm so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.

AT

[jasminebose]

AT,
I know you love him but you really deserve better than this. Its not just unfair on you but also your children. Maybe if he had been honest and told you about the other woman I could understand you wanting to work it out with him, but the fact is he has been cheating for 3 years and lied to you about it. I think you need to walk away.
JZ