how do i live in a stone cold marriage?

[hope_in_him]

Trying to receive a reply of Godly advice, so here goes again :). My husband lets his adult children (one lives here and is 19), call me names and doesn't do a thing about it, there is no respect in this house at all. He has told me to shut up while on the phone with his brother (and I didn't say anything rude at all). Anyway, he left us 3 weeks ago, and said he was tired of having to pay for the bills and my ex not paying child support (I can't control that though), and then all of a sudden (I think he ran out of money), he came back, still acts the same, very cold, I can pour my heart out and cry and he will not even flinch or say a word. When he moved back in, he proceeded to tell me that I have to pay 1/2 of the bills, he got a separate checking account and a po box. He has given me a total of $30 for food since he has been home. I work 3 to 4 days a week, and can't work any more than that because of day care costs, it would cancel out my day of work, it is a blessing that i can stay home 3 to 4 days a week with my children. It is pretty much like I'm living with a roomate or tenant. He says my children are his step children and he doesn't have to pay for anything towards them (my ex does not pay child support hardly ever, but my husband takes it out on me and the kids by not supporting us), yet I recently read some Bible study of Joseph, he was not Jesus' biological father, yet he cared for Him as his own, but my husband refuses to do that, even though he says he is a Christian and has even preached. I feel like a worthless dog right now, I work, clean, wash clothes, take care of 4 children, yet he wants me to pay for 1/2 of the bills and all of everything my children need, and he won't help me pay for $8,000 in credit card debt of which 90% is from him buying equipment for his lawn company. I don't even make enough money to do that, and he is about to make 4 times as much as I do within the next few days. What do I do? My mom and others tell me to make him leave, but I don't want to get divorced again, but I don't know how long I can live like this with someone who treats me like this and lets his family do the same. Please help!!!

[Kate]

Hello there,

It sounds like a very painful situation that you find yourself in. I can understand your husband being angered that your ex doesn't support his children, but I would have thought that he would have been angry for your sake not with you. Did you not discuss these issues before you got married? Have you been able to talk calmly about them recently?

Do you have a pastor at church to whom you can talk to get some support and advice? It might be possible for him to mediate in the situation with your husband.

You could certainly do with some local support. It's hard to get to the bottom of where all this heartache and resentment started from what you have shared so far and someone you could talk to face to face and meet with regularly might be able to help you both through this. Your relationship sounds very polarised and to move on you need to find someway of bridging the gulf between you.

There are lots of resources on the site, but I’m not sure which to direct you to at this time. Above all if you are a Christian yourself, then prayer is one of the most powerful ways to change the situation. God’s desire for your marriage is that the two of you should be loving and caring for each other and working together to bring up your children and fulfil any other roles you have. There a number of programmes available to enrich and strengthen marriages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). This site lists the UK based ones, but some of them operate in USA too. Perhaps something like that would give you a fresh start to work through your differences and build a strong and healthy relationship.

All the best

Kate

:)