Husband Trouble!!

[lisabeth]

I have been together with my husband for 4 years now. Most of what i do is not upto his standard. We come from 2 different cultures. He has become violent 2 times and apologised for it, he cannot control his alcohol and anger. This is the second marriage for him and first for me. He breaks his promises of not drinking hard drinks when we go out. He is sarcastic, he yells and does not listen to what i have to say most of the time. The only time we have to discuss all this is after dinner, which he makes this one excuse that he has to go to bed since he is working, but to sex he will stay up late. He has ocassionaly discussed this with a guy he thinks is his friend. The same friend has suggested that i am with him because of the money. The same friend pretends he is my friend too. My husband is jealous, possesive and does not trust me at all. When i tell him that i cannot take anymore of this, he promises to change and 3 or 4 weeks later he goes back. He went to see a psychiatrist once, for his problems and never bothered to go back. All this has become too much that some friends don't want to hang out with us. He has shouted at the top of his voice in pub at me, called me names, he has even gone to the point that he said to me 'go **** that guy or this guy then. 2 weeks ago he came home after meeting his friend and told me to get the hell out of his life. Everytime he goes out with his friend, he comes home and tries to push me on the edge and if i resist, he starts the insults. I don't know what to do anymore. HELP!!

[Dave]

Dear Lisabeth,

Kate is on vacation this week but will look at your posting next week. In the meantime I suggest you take a look at the Marital First Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) section where I think you will find some advice on how to deal with the poisonous effect of alcohol in a marriage.

Dave

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 26 July 2001).]

[Kate]

Dear lisbeth,

As Dave promised I am responding to your posting. There have been other postings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000063.html) on this subject and there are links to support organisations, which help wives and husbands of those with alcohol problems as well as those with problems themselves.

You might also like to have a look at the Domestic Violence (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/)area on the site.

It really is tough living with a spouse who has alcohol addiction and you do need support and advice at more depth than we can give here. Remember when someone is addicted, it is the substance which is often in control, not the person themselves.

There are also difficulites when a couple are from different cultures. It's very important if you can talk about your values and your expectations. Even if your husband won't talk at first, perhaps some friend can help you think through what the cultural differences are. It's a bit like looking through two different pairs of spectacles. You see the same reality, but you interpret it differently because of the way you have grown up in your culture. Some very general examples are that British tend to hide their emotions or even not to be aware of them. Public displays of emotion tend to be frowned on, whereas an italian of French person would be more aware of their emotions and willing to let people see them. Some nationalities can find the British cold and unfriendly. I understand that Easteners think that the responsibility in communication is on the person listening, whereas in the west we think that good communication depends on how well something is expressed. You don't have to change to be the same as each other, but if you understand the cultural influecnes for what they are, they are less likely to cause offence and misunderstanding.

I do hope you can find some support locally.

With best wishes

Kate