help please

[Unregistered]

I feel "out of love" with my husband. I recently married, although had doubts before it and now cannot see a future for us. I am on this site to try and get help and advice on how to deal with getting it to work. My major problem is that I am having an affair - it's not been going on long - but this person makes me laugh, smile and feel beautiful and alive. I'm seriously contemplating leaving my husband for this man. I know it's wrong and that I need to work on my marriage but how can I get past this and make the choice to stay.

Can anyone please help me to understand. I'm confused and upset and would like to try to get my marriage to work, but don't know how.

[Kate]

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but if you really want to make your marriage work, then dump the lover. You can't make a marriage work if half your heart and mind are elsewhere.

There is absolutely no reason why you cannot build a happy marriage with your husband if you give yourself one hundred percent to the relationship.

I think from what you say, you may have been living with your husband before you married. Contrary to popular myth, this doesn't necessarily make things easier when you marry. You have probably spent some time in a conditional relationship of cohabitation and now you have made the commitment, but are finding it hard to change the attitudes, hence your desire to have an affair or having second thoughts.

Marriage needs you both to make a commitment to get to know each other, accept each other warts and all and try to grow and love through the difficult times. Making the decision to act lovingly even when we don't feel loving, trying to discover what makes our spouse feel loved and cared for, being open about your feelings and needs all help along the way.

If you are looking for advice try our Early Years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) section and Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/). If you got married recently and didn't have any marriage preparation you might consider doing Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) or FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/). They are both good programmes to help couples get to know each other better and identify ways to strengthen their realtionship.

Someone once said a successful marriage is not about finding the right partner but about being the right partner. I really hope that some of the articles and resources on the site help you to make your marriage work.

All the best

Kate