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BobJ
27th January 2004, 06:21 PM
PmIu24 Thanks-a-mundo for the article post. Much obliged.

Unregistered
8th March 2004, 01:15 PM
Give the lady lots of time and patience. I have been in her position, she will need constant reassurance in a quiet loving way.You can make it.Love to you bothxx

Unregistered
9th March 2004, 02:06 PM
Hi Bob,

I can empathise with you on the whole trust front and I can see some similarities with my own situation.

I love my partner so dearly yet I've hurt her by not telling the 'whole truth' with the intent of 'protecting' her and our relationship.

The worst thing is I thought I was doing the right thing.

I don't want to see her unhappy if anything I want her to be the happiest woman alive.

I see her as my soulmate and I feel like I'm stabbing my soul in the back and slowly twisting the knife at the moment.

I don't know what to do but at the same time I feel a strong need to tell her the full truth about a situation that happened last night.

I'm just so scared of losing her, of her thinking I'm no good, and I feel like I will die without her.

It's the sort of thing where I think about how things must have looked to her and I think my god how could she not think something dodgy was going on and I feel like Basil Fawlty creating my own stress.

I had searched the internet using google for lingerie using the images section which I guess was kind of stupid as I was looking for some lingerie ideas she might like and I would like too other than the standard catalogue stuff.

On retrospect it's easy to say well if I'd put the search in for designer lingerie then maybe more appropriate images would have come up.

I worried that the images would be stored on the pc and I checked the temporary internet files section on the hard drive and sure enough there they were.

I ran a program to check for web bugs and malicious code so no dodgy sites/individuals could hack or track our computer and
I deleted the files although they were left in the Recycle Bin.

I didn't want to tell her I had deleted files because I felt she would be thinking I do that all the time and have a secret life online looking at porn instead of taking some time out to consider a nice surprise to which I had left no clues.

I felt strong accusal and it felt right away as soon as the conversation started nothing I said would make a difference and it's no wonder considering the circumstances.

I don't feel completely comfortable going round all the shops myself looking at underwear because I become self-concious of people around me and can't concentrate on how things may look on her.

I've done it before and I've ended up coming out with things we bought together but just in a different colour and felt like I hadn't been able to use my imagination.

When we have gone together I feel like there has been no surprise in it for her.

I am completely satisfied at home and I don't require any other means of stimulation and I'm worried that because I covered up this whole stupid thing and because of that she will not trust me at all now, that she may feel unattractive and inadequate which is so far from reality.

We haven't got too much money at the moment and I know she needs more romance.

I want to be romantic and surprise her when we do have cash so I have deleted searches before when I've been looking at breaks away.

I can see how if she knows that I have deleted files she may instead of taking it as it is she may think the worst and assume I'm covering up some mad porn trail and in general telling lies.

I felt unshakeable accusation when she called me after work and because I know I'm not covering up a porn trail and I want to keep surprises as they are meant to be I wanted her to feel better and still keep any other searches secret.

Half of the breaks I've looked at will not happen but it's nice to think about them and I never thought my methods would create this horrible mess.

I want to be able to surprise her in a good way without mentioning things she may get over excited about, things that may not happen, and not in a way that leads to tears, doubt and frustration.

I have made promises and they have not been delivered and a promise is only good when it's delivered.

Now I feel that if I tell her she will see it as lies and instead of making things better it may make them worse.

I want things to work and I need to make sure I'm honest with her on all fronts.

I don't know what's best to do but I feel I have to say something tonight and take the consequences either way.

I wish she could reach inside my head and feel the truth.

I'm just so damned scared of it all going wrong and losing my best friend.

I hope things work out for you guys, thanks for listening, I like to believe that time and love heals all wounds.

I'm willing to give this relationship a life's worth.

Time will tell.

D

Liz
9th March 2004, 10:55 PM
Just thought I'd point you to an article on the site about rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) which may give you some fresh things to think about.

Liz

Darth
25th April 2004, 04:03 AM
I am sorry, but you will get now vote of sympathy from me. My wife lied and cheated on me not once but three times, and lied about it even when I knew and confronted her. After the third time I gave her back my wedding ring and told her to leave, but that no matter what she had done I still loved her. She went to her other man, my best friend at the time, and left me with our three children. She was gone all off one night. She came back the following day to let my go to counciling for the depression I had been suffering for some years. She asked if she could come back and I said yes, funny old thing your heart. As far as I know she has never been in contact or seen him since. We have moved house and are starting a new life together, but the truth is how do you start to trust someone, who for 20 years of marriage was truthful, honest and trustworthy but then does this all in the space of 9 months. My state of mined did not help, this I know but through counciling and medication I am winning my battle against depression, but I still worry that the trust for my wife that I once had willl never be the same.