Illness affecting marriage

[SuzanneL.H.]

I'm 34 years old, married 13 years and was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I have all the symptoms associated with the disease, multiple/severe joint pain and hand deformity, fevers, extreme fatigue, etc. I am on several medications to deal with the disease with some side-effects.

Even with the above, I continue to work full-time. The past six months or so, my husband and I have found ourselves in the midst of a couple of financial difficulties, nothing severe, but, extra money would help.

My husband and I talked about this problem. I told him that maybe he and I should each try and get some extra work here and there to help things along right now.

Well, I'm sure all of you can guess what happened - I'm the one who got the extra work. I currently work 60-70 hours a week. I work one job from 5 a.m. to 2 p.m., come home the clean the house, make dinner, etc. I am able to make my own hours for the second job, though, have to start early, to be to bed early, to get up for the first job in the morning at 4 a.m.

My only day off is Saturday, which is spent getting groceries and running errands.

My husband works 40 hours a week, comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table and a beer. (BTW - we have two pre-teen children)

I have told him many times in the past few months that me working so much is putting a strain on our relationship, as well as my disease. I have asked him to please get extra work when he can, but either he can't or he won't.

When I ask him to help me out with housework, yardwork or the kids, he says he will, but then it is always left for me.

I find that I'm becoming depressed, irritable and grouchy at the situation. He keeps asking me for more money for things he wants, yet, he's not willing to get extra work to get these things.

If I quit the second job, it will just throw us into more of a financial problem, one of which my husband isn't willing/or able to help out with at this time. If I continue the second job, it may ruin our marriage, ruin the relationship I have with my kids and increase the symptoms of the disease.

I have looked through the articles and tips in this forum and have tried a few, but nothing seems to work. I go to counseling on my own as he won't come along.

I am so busy working, cooking and cleaning that I don't have time to enjoy anything. Yet, I get to see him do all the things he enjoys.

Any advice?

[Dave]

Dear Suzanne,

I have known two ladies who have suffered from rheumatoid arthritis so have some picture of how debilitating it can be.

What really struck me as I read your posting was that both you and your husband probably need some real help to come to terms with both your present and future situation and priorities. It looks to me like both of you are trying to deny the fact that you are going to have to make significant changes to your lives now, though both of you are reacting in different ways. As your health declines it will impact your finacial situation - better to deal with that square on now while you can both benefit from the decisions, rather than trying in vain to run faster and faster to stand still.

What are the priorities right now?? I infer that for you they would revolve around quality of life, relationship with the kids, relationship with each other, and these might well mean that other things have to be treated differently, especially the financial priorities. For your husband this may mean a real threat to his self image as things like the size of a home may mean a great deal to him. Neither set of priorities is right or wrong - they are just different, and need to be openly acknowledged and worked through. Your husband may also really be struggling with the longer term implications of your illness on your relationship, but not have the real means to express his fears.

I think my first advice would be to look at some of the articles and advice on resolving conflict , and in particular at the book "Getting to Yes" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/yes/) - although not a marriage book, the approach to conflict negotiation may be very appropriate in your situation.

Then I would seriously consider getting away for a marriage enrichment weekend, not to solve problems, but simply to re-inforce the love between you, and to provide some deeper ways for you to communicate. As a UK site we only carry contact info for UK organisations, but why not start with Marriage Encounter (http://www.wwme.org) there in the US, which is one of the most well respected of all he organisations.

You face some huge challenges which will test your marriage vows to the limit - but that was what you promised to each other all those years ago.

Dave