Will someone please help me

[Unregistered]

Hi

I have been married to my husband for three years. We got together when I was at uni and it was all going wrong. I left uni and we eventually moved miles away from London.

When I met him I was really down and dealing with sexist lecturers on the degree I was doing. I also have no family for support. So I was ust basically burnt out. I moved into his shared house in London and started temping.
Things as I see them have always been really complicated between us. My husband went to boarding school and has a very cold mother (who by the way has always been against me) and a spoilt sister who is very narcissistic.

First of all he did'nt want sex and said he was freaked out. He stopped going out with his friends and I have since found out from a mutual friends they all blamed it on me. But Im not like that and he didn't even want to go out and do stuff with me either.
He still looks nervous when we go out and I have even had a woman come up and ask in a very busy pub if he was alright.

His mother took offence to me the first time I went to his house to stay. She got up and walked out of the room when I was talking to her(just being friendly). She also told me on the same visit she would always be around to be a burden to him and I was going to take her baby away from her. Since then I have had a miscarriage and lost twins. He won't speak to her now beacause she asked me if I had a miscarriage beacause of all the men I had had sex with previosly. Nice lady. I have also had abuse from his little sister saying I have taken her brother away and her mothers life is in dissaray because of me.

Please forgive me for going on but Im so lonely and I just feel so mixed up.

I have hardly worked since leaving London. Just b4 we left London I was offered a huge job witha TV comp which I then gave up so we could move. I hate myself for this as I have never had any family support and had spent all my twenties woking and working. I felt like I deserved that job.

We just seem to have lots of complicated conversations that end up with me getting angry because I have no one to talk to. I don't cry either.I don't have any friends anymore as I don't go out. I feel so drained with being in this little bubble with my husband. I have lost my confidence and i spend all my time comming up with ideas about how to change my life but never do them. Im scared of having friends as they might see how unhappy I am and tell me to leave.

Everything I ever try to do seems to get complicated by my husband. I cant even put stuff in the house where I want it. I don't feel like I am alive. Im just here to wash, cook and be a muummy to my husband. Also whenever our sex life gets near normal he then has lots of problems doing it. This has been going on for years, so I am almost celibate.
I know I probably sound like right fruitcake but I am so fed up , lonely and confused.


Any advice please

Flumpy

[Unregistered]

I would say that unless you are willing to undergo years and years of counseling, divorce this man and go on with your life. There are some serious issues here that so far have not effected you to the point that you can't get out and stay out. Don't confuse your needs for happiness with a contest involving your muminlaw and sisinlaw. Let them deal with this obviously dysfuntional man. You have given it your best shot, and then some. It has not worked and in all probablity will not ever.

[Unregistered]

Hi There,

I agree,

You are an intelligent woman, who I think is very very brave! Think about it! You have no family who can support you, yet you have still managed to hold body and soul together all these years. It is hardly surprising you feel you cannot have friends - so many people have let you down, that you probably find it hard to trust anyone.
Believe me hun, you are not the one in the wrong here! Other than maybe being a bit of a door mat (sorry about the phrasing) you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I think you deserve a medal!
You settled down young. And as you haven't had the solid foundation of a family of your own, your expectations of being able to fit into another family were probably very high (and rightly so). I would imagine, any decent mother-in-law, would welcome you with open arms. Sadly, this isn't the case here, and it is NOT your fault.
I really do think you need to leave this man - If you don't you will end up wasting your life, and become a complete nervous wreck.
DO NOT LET THEM GRIND YOU DOWN! They have already proven to you the type of people they are. You already know that they are wrong, which means you also know what is right.
It is a case of finding your old self and the strength you had to make it the world on your own - you know you can do it, you have done it before. Many people have tried for years to get a job with a television company. You did it! OK, the stress and strain of your relationship put an end to it so to speak, but you know you can get back up there again, you will never be able to it with these people hanging on, and draining you of your self-worth.
Have you ever considered the fact that they are VERY jealous of you. They have had each other all their lives, yet they still behave like spoilt children. You are more mature, and they can see this - they probably feel threatened by you, and want to make you feel how they feel (a failure). It seems that they are winning here, and I would hate to see this happen to anyone.
I know from experience what you are going through (COMPLETELY - believe me).
It isn't easy, but it is much easier without the constant feelings of guilt, and without the constant petty comments.
I do hope things work out for you. I can bet that the feelings of inadequecy they make you feel are exactly the same as when you were a child! You are not a child anymore, and you DO NOT have to be treated like this. And you most certainly do not have to take on their baggage from their childhood.

Good Luck!

[Liz]

Hi there,
Some families don't seem to understand about letting go and letting a new couple begin on their own. If your husband comes from such a background then he may be struggling with all the pulls on him. Sometimes when that happens we just sit in a hole in the middle of it all unable to do anything.

I'm sure that he loves you but doesn't know right now how to express it, but don't give up just because he's brought a bit of baggage with him into his marriage. We all do that!

There are lots of programmes that might help you both break through these barriers.

Why not have a look at these here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Some of the ones that come to mind are Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) which will help you identify where the pressures are coming from and how you can learn to overcome them together, or Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) or Association of Marriage Enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/amenr/), which give you skills and vision for what your marriage can be in a confidential setting away from the pressures at home.

Why not talk to your husband about doing one of these programmes to give your relationship the bost it needs.

Cheers

Liz