Separation - the end?

[Unregistered]

I am in the pit!

In mid november my wife of 6 years (together 10) raised some really serious issues regarding our marriage and that she felt broken and ready to quit. I was shocked and numbed by this and we discussed the situation and agreed that we should see relate etc. We didn't in the end as we seemed to be moving forward. It all came tumbling down around the middle of December - my wife saying that it was no use pretending - she'd had enough. We did see relate who said that we seemed a couple who loved each other and that they would help us through. We had quite a good Xmas but I was beginning to get suspicious. My wife denied on numerous occassions that there was anyone else involved but on New Year's day I saw a communication that indicated she had entered into a romantic dialogue with an old 'colleague'. She still maintains that nothing has happened yet.

My wife was diagnosed with a chronic condition 4 years ago and I stood by her and our (then 8 month old) daughter who has learning disabilities. I did everything a loving husband could to help. We moved in 2001 and since then my business has collapsed and after so nearly losing my wife in 2000 I have, it would seem now, been depressed and convinced that my place was at home with her instead of getting work. This was further confirmed when in 2002 my wife 'flared' again requiring 6 months of 1 week in 4 hospitilisation for treatment.

I have watched appalled as my wife ballooned from a fit 11 st mum to a 17 1/2 stone immobile person. She is a very strong woman and has fought her condition which is now well managed and has by her own efforts got her weight down to under 13 st and looks pretty damned good now.

She says that she still loves me but she has been unhappy for over 2 years - it is over and I she cannot be with me whilst I sort out my issues with money etc. She has chronic fatigue and other side effects of her condition which make life difficult for her but she copes really well.

I love her the same as ever and truly believe that we could resolve our problems but she says it is too late and we have to separate and move on. She says that she cannot at this time change her mind on this.

I am truly devastated! I know that my actions regarding work and money have caused much of these problems but I was convinced that I was helping my family.

Is it possible that someone can change their mind later when it is so clearly made up at the present?

Battered & Bruised

[Unregistered]

I cannot offer any good advice, as I am in a similar situation, a separation. I can only offer my sympathies and let you know that there is someone out there going through the same thing. I am actually on the opposite end, I am the wife. I decided after four years of marriage that it was time to separate from my husband for various financial and emotional reasons. I still love him very much but living with him became impossible. I don't know what your wife's view is on your relationship, but it sounds like she is also going through a very difficult time in life. It also sounds like you did everything you could to help her and support her. Perhaps her trying times are more to blame for her feelings of giving up and quitting on the marriage. My experiences with my husband involved verbal abuse and deception which eventually led to a loss of emotional feelings towards him. My husband and I both had problems communicating with eachother and being supportive and caring of one another when the struggles of daily life set in. A separation may be the thing your wife needs to distance herself from the negative feelings she is experiencing and get herself back to a better place where she feels competent to be in a relationship that takes work. And they all do. Anyway, I'm probably rambling and giving you more info. than you really want. I just wanted to write and offer my sympathy during your difficult time. Just keep showing your willingness to work things out and hopefully your wife will return to a person who unconditionally loves her and supports her no matter what.

[Unregistered]

Thank you - I thought no one would repliy to such a lengthy tale of woe!

Perhaps you could help me understand this from 'the other side of the fence' - I am but a man and facing what looks like my second failed marriage (both with a child from each).

I truly hate it when one faces that total emotional shut-down - there seems to be no reasoning with or reaching out to the very person whom you love the most. We all make mistakes - some worse than others - but my wife says that with her chronic condition to contend with she cannot be with me whilst I sort myself out. She is fiercely independent, strong of will, and seems resolute in this. I have to add though that my wife agrees that I have never tried to cage her and have always supported her in her career and lifelong learning.

I have never been unfaithful in either marriage and in both cases have striven to seek reconciliation. There seem to be small glimpses of hope from some comments made but these are then denied after the event and I am told that I am analysing everything that is said. We do that at these times though don't we? Being the party that desperately wants this marriage to work and continue to old age, I obviously look for any embers to fan.

Perhaps you have further thoughts?

I am convinced that there is a third party even if only over the 'phone and when someone has those whispers of support in their ear surely making a true decision is all the maore difficult?

I am truly at a loss right now...

[Unregistered]

I wish I could offer some better advice. Sadly, I feel as confused as you are. I know that my husband is feeling the same as you, though our situation is very different. The decision to stay with someone for better or worse seems to be a decision of will rather than emotion and as humans we have trouble deciphering between the two. That's where I am at right now anyway. There are so many questions about my husband flying through my head. Is he really the one? If I'm not happy now, will I ever be? Do I have the strength to love and support him and be with him through his difficult times and mine as well? Can we ever get along? I've been reading a lot about marriage, separation, and divorce and all my questions seem to come down to one truth: If both partners are willing to be supportive, loving, and also willing to work hard towards a peaceful cohabitation, then it is possible for the marriage to flourish. Divorce seems to be a result of one or both partners giving up on trying, working towards peaceful existence. I'm sure that your wife is focusing on the emotions inside her rather than focusing on how much you two have been through together and how much you have supported her and loved her. If she is unwilling now, I can only hope for you that she will think twice and many more times before she gives up on the good things that are between you two. I am working on that decision now. It will take a while before I am both financially and emotionally ready to trust my husband again. I have to delve deep inside for the strength and I hope your wife will do the same. All you can do is show her how much you are willing to make things right and also what changes you are willing to make for her to feel better about the relationship. At least, that is my humble opinion... BEST WISHES!

[Unregistered]

Thank you - your words are full of wisdom!

I don't wish to be 'personal' but do you think that in my wife's position (possibly similar in emotional state to you) she could enter into other 'liasons' and still feel a bond with me that might grow again?

Although I want the best for my wife and have to accept that there she may have taken comfort elsewhere, I feel physically sick at the thought of my soul mate, best friend, and erstwhile lover making love to someone else - she is also seemingly indifferent to the possibility that I might be doing the same one day.

Sorry, it's the caveman in all men that brings that sense of violation. Our wives, lovers, partners are not possessions but we hang on to that desire for physical loyalty even after the relationship appears to be broken. It always seems to be the instigator of the breakdown who first gets involved with another - often prior to the current relationship reaching its conclusion. This leaves the other partner even more hurt.

Sorry, I'm very tired and waffling on.

Cheers

[Unregistered]

I wish I had a better answer, but I have not had to deal with the effects of cheating in a relationship since I was somewhat younger. I know that now during this separation I must not have relations with someone else until I know for sure I want to move on without my husband. These are my feelings at present, though I do have other thoughts that try to lead me astray. I also know that if my husband began a new relationship during this separation, I would assume that he had moved on. When a spouse leaves to find happiness with another peron, it brings a whole other dimension of distrust into the relationship, in addition to emotional, or financial trust. Of course, there are relationships that have survived the test of infidelity. At least, I've read articles referring to such couples. So, it is possible, but I wonder how you would deal with it if she did return to you after another relationship? I've heard that it can be done through extensive counseling. There are several articles on the subject on this site. Once again, my humble opinion, cheating is crossing that line into an extreme loss of trust that is extremely difficult to regain.

[Unregistered]

I know what you're saying...

May I ask as to how you broke the news to your husband and how you came to separate i.e. did you tell him it was over or did you say that you needed time apart to consider/reflect upon where the relationship was going, if anywhere? Or some other way.

Thanks.

[Unregistered]

To be honest it was a blur. I don't remember how the seperation started. Things were so tense and had been for several weeks, jut tensions building and building until finally It just kind of happened. I mean there were words spoken to bring it about but I honestly can't remember them. It was so upsetting I guess that's why. I hadn't really thought about that until recently and realized that the initial conversation that brought the separation about has left my memory. However, I know that I did not want a divorce, even though my husband had mentioned it in nearly every argument to "get my goat" and it worked. I believe that initially I told him I wanted a separation until he finished school and got a decent job and seemed to get his head on straight. Then as the days without him passed I felt torn apart but also sure that I could never be happy with him again. I told him so twice, different times, different situations, and both times he's hung up or drove away and later says he cannot just let me go. So I leave it at that. I need this time away from him to mend myself and for him to do so also. I don't yet know where this separations will lead us. I've told him these things. That's what the final word has been so far. I think that answers your question, eh? fshew...

[Unregistered]

I do apologize - I've been very selfish here, speaking of all my problems and quizzing you in attempt to gain some small glimmer of hope that I have a chance to 'win' back my wife.

I feel for you and your hiusband and what you are both going through - if it's anything like the place I am right now.

I guess that the only way that I stand a chance with my situation is to somehow function, present a positive attitude to my wife, not get too involved in 'heavy' conversations, and sort my life out and prove to myself, and her, that I can do it... easy to say at the moment but having been, as I now realise, depressed for probably 2 years, I'm not sure how I'm going to do this.

Many thanks.

[Unregistered]

I understand how you are feeling so even though I may not have the hope your looking for, I couldn't help but respond to your plight. It's good to be able to share with someone the frustrations of a relationship and to know that there is someone out there who is feeling just as frustrated. All we can do is hope that things will turn out for the best, and that we can turn out better by learning from the past.

Getting out of a depression is very difficult, especially when times are so trying. It seems like there is nothing to motivate us. I am struggling with that as well as a muddle through the fine line between marriage and divorce. But, the truth is that we cannot give of ourselves if we don't feel strong and confident in ourselves. My husband and I separated because we both needed to gain the confidence and strength in ourselves to be able to be apart of a relationship. Perhaps our journies will lead us back together, but perhaps they won't. I have been trying to go get counseling, but I find that is the most difficult as I have to admit that I actually need help to figure out my own head. What if I can't?!

Anyway, I hope you are well, despite your difficulties at present. Thanks for listening as well.



All the best wishes!

[Unregistered]

Thank you

I don't wish to offend - but it would be nice to keep in touch. You've been very kind, honest, and helpful. I'd like to hear how things are going for you and I would like to keep you posted also.

Please do not take this the wrong way!

All the best.

[Unregistered]

Thank you as well for your comments and questions. Please do keep me posted, and I will do the same.

Right now actually I am dealing with my daughter's (4 yrs.) feelings about her parents' separation. How old are your children?

[iwmi]

Yes, I have 2 children.

I've now registered - if you wanted to register we could communicate a little more privately.

Again, I really do not want you to misunderstand my motives; I just don't want to put more specific information on a public domain forum as one never knows who may be reading this.

It's been really good to have a dialogue with someone in a fairly similar position.

I'm not some potential psycho stalker!!!

Best wishes.

[dmbfan]

That's fine. I actually am registered but I don't always sign in. you'll see my user name on this post. I really don't mind conversing with you about our problems. It is nice to talk to someone that is unbiased to the situation. Also, I am willing to give any advice I can give from a woman's pt. of view. Right now I am totally stuck between moving forward and solving our problems together and moving on without him. Therefore, it is difficult for me to think of what more advice I can give. I am purely stuck. Lately though I've been thinking more about him and missing him. I think absence has made the heart grow fonder. But then I'm shocked back into reality when I am reminded of his faults. (Mostly it is my mother, but also me reminding myself of the confusion and deception and angry words.) But the thing is that I know my husband loves me despite all his problems. That is the frustrating part. Anyway, I'm rambling on. I'll figure out how to use the private message thing so I'll be ready when you write. Have a great day.

dmbfan =) (not dmb for dumb, dmb stands for a band)