separation anxiety

[dmbfan]

I'm having separation anxiety. This is not the kind you hear about kids having about their mothers. This is a different kind. I am separated from my husband (see earlier post under dmbfan (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=4070#post4070)). We are separated indefinitely for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both taking some time to grow up and be independent for awhile. I also have a four year old daughter. Anyway, my problem is that during this separation I keep having thoughts. You know the kind I mean: unfaithful thoughts. I have not been able to do anything about these thoughts because I don't want to be unfaithful, but they are awfully powerful thoughts. I keep feeling as though I am missing out on the kind of relationship that I see and feel in my (day and night) dreams. It is the kind of relationship that is built on friendship and trust, the kind of relationship where I feel pure comfort with the other person, none of which seem to be foundations of mine and my husband's relationship. I keep feeling as though I could feel completely in love with someone else, since those feelings are gone for my husband. So, some questions here: During a separation (not a divorce), is it okay to see other people? Are my feelings decieving me into believing that relationships can be perfect, or do I need to hold out for that connection that I feel I am capable of with someone other than my husband? Any thoughts or advice are welcome. =)

[Kate]

Hello again Dmbfan,

I don't think it's surprising that you are dreaming of a good relationship. I'm sure those thoughts are coming from the emotional needs that you have to be loved and respected and secure. I wonder if you are not also thinking, "if only my husband could be like that".

Perhaps with help he could be more like that. We can all change and mature with determination and help.

I'm sure too that you are wondering if there is a someone special out there for you. I suspect that there may well be more than one person whom we could marry and build a happy marriage with. That means we have some challenges if we meet more than one of them in our lifetime. I rather see marriage as making the decision that this one is for me and I'm making a decision for better for worse and for a lifetime, and shutting out any others that comes along. That's how I see it, but I know that for some people their decision seems to go badly wrong and staying with someone who is say abusive is not a good idea.

I think that if you go through a separation to try and sort yourselves out and mature, then you need to keep away from the temptation of other emotional or physical entanglements. If you have separated to try and work things out then it's not going to help chasing after a new relationship. To me that means that you have given up on the marriage already.

That doesn't mean you have to live as a hermit, just be careful you don't fall for the first person who seems to fill those emotional needs that your husband failed to fill.

I don't know about you, but most of the messages that are fed us in our culture are that love is something purely of the heart, some haphazard chance chemistry, best described by cupid shooting you with an arrow. And something which can go away just as suddenly and without explanation as it came.

I believe that love and relationships are much more about the way we act and behave after the initial attraction. What really makes a marriage work and endure is something much more about commitment, acting lovingly for the good of the other, companionship, trust and so much more. You have discovered that does not come automatically.

I suspect you know best whether you should go out with other men. You know whether you are committed to working things out with your husband. Your attitude will be very important. Perhaps there are places you can go and things you can do where you can make friends of both sexes and have some fun and relaxation, rather than spending time one to one with a man in romantic situations which will inevitably lead to emotional involvement and complications.

Perhaps there are others reading these boards who have experienced something similar and will share it here.


All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thank you for the response. Your words helped me put things into perspective.