lack of support

[maria c]

I am feeling a bit down at the moment. . although we got through it and the friendship was just a storm in a teacup and ended abruptly i have found this a tough year to get through. I thought we were much closer but now he is getting very switched off again as he always does at this time of year (probablySAD syndrome). the trouble is I try to tell him how I am feeling but I just get no response and I get so frustrated and feel so unsupported. It seems almost impossible to communicate with him on a normal level and it really worries me especially now knowing what he is capable of doing when he gets so low. the more switched off he becomes the more I feel the need to get through to him and get really tense and i know this doesnt help as he just retreats further. should life really be this hard? I feel that I am a good wife and have always been loyal and faithful and tried to help him as much as possible but I am human too and it just feels as though my needs get put to one side. He says he doesnt think I act like i am vulnerable but I dont think this is true i think he doesnt let me act vulnerable as he just ignores me or gives no response when Ia m upset. . does depression do this to people? It is really getting me down as i dont have any family support either. He almost seems like 2 different people and I saw a glimpse of the other person that he used to be this year and I realised that that was how i wanted things to be and how they should be. It is really hard when the communication and kindness just disappear. He blames quite a bit on me and says he cant talk to me because of how I react or i go on at him which is true but I cant turn myself into a robot just because he cant deal with emotions.

sorry to have gone on but I just bottle it all up and feel low. do you have any suggestions or words of wisdom? thanks

[Liz]

Hello again Marie C

Kate has just pointed out to me that you have posted again. I remember talking to you on the forum a while ago.

The two of you seem to be getting into a bit of a tangle emotionally. You mention depression - is that referring to you or your husband?

It sounds to me as if the two of you have some negative patterns of behaviour which you slip into. You see your husband withdrawing into himself anf so you want even more to have his support and attention. He feels overwhelmed and withdraws even more. The best way to get out of that spiral is to act diferently. What would you say was the most living thing you could do when your hsuband is down? Have you asked him what helps him most at those times? Or even ask him, what would surprise him if you did it at those times.

Perhaps he would appreciate just a little note saying "I know you're down at the moment. I'm goign to give you space for a while but I just wanted you to know I love you and I'm here if you need me."

That may sound hard to do to give him space when you're longing for him to show you love and affection, but it might just break the cycle.

How about brushing up on some listening techniques so he learns that you can actually listen to him. There are a few tips here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/relbasics/) about listening.

None of this is about being a robot, but about accepting the differences in each of you and finding ways to work with those differences. You've already recognised the truth in some of what he's saying to you. The challenge is to be willing to change what you can about the way you behave to break the cycle of withdrawal and demanding attention.

Bereavement and childbirth are two very stressful times for a marriage. I do wonder if you have forgiven your husband for what happened last year. If you want to move forward you need to deal with that first. Why not check out the articles on forgiveness here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) and set yourself and your husband free.

I do hope some of this makes sense to you and gives you some glimmers of hope at this special tiem of Christmas.

Liz

[maria c]

thanks Liz

I will try and work on what you have suggested. You are right I have not forgiven my husband at all for what happened last year and for what i perceive as his lack of care for me and betrayal. I have tried desperately to do this and work through it but have not managed it yet as have it to overwhelming. the more I try to do it the more I seem to have a reaction of anger against it so it has been a battle. I can see all the sense in what you say but I just dont know how you do it in practical terms. I want to move on but obviously subconsciously i must feel the need to stay angry with him. It is possibly quite a bit of repressed anger working its way through and also with my dad dying as i had quite a few issues with him when i was young andhe was a vey angry person. He even told me off when he was dying for saying the wrong thing ( avery innocent comment about the nurses just trying to help). I guess these issues go quite deep in me and i have been to counselling but i probably just got hit too hard last year to be able to deal with it constructively.

I dont mean to make it sound as if my husband is the one with all the problems. I just find it so hard to deal with his depression and negativity when i obviously have a big need within me to feel needed and supported. this was something i dont think i got as a child so perhaps is quite an overwhelming need in me. I suppose it is not fair to take this out on him as he cant help the way he is either and it is probably time to let go of the anger and accept that life isnt always fair and you dont always get what you want. I would have wished to have been treated differently as a child but I think my parents gave the best they could but didnt have the skills to give emotional support and understanding. I do love my husband deeply and I am fairly sure he loves me and what happened wasnt about that but more about responding to his own needs at the time and i possibly would have done the same if i had been him. I think my anger has got mixed up with different issues and made it hard for me to see things clearly. I have probably b een a major pain to live with! I have also started to drink more alcohol to deal with the pain i have been feeling which does worry me even though it is not excessive.

thanks for your advice as it really does help and if you have any practical tips on working through this anger and letting go i would appreciate hearing them. I dont want to destroy our relationship and family as it means too much to me and i have to get to a better place .

Maria

[Liz]

Dear Maria,

Just been feeling very angry with my teenage son, this morning, and battling away not to let it spill over into the way I respond to him and then I read your posting and thought, "Oops, practice what you preach!"

When you are feeling down it can be really difficult to make that decision to love even when you are crying out for someone to love you! I took myself off earlier, to work and struggle with the emotions I was feeling. Practically giving myself a bit of space to think things through before I acted helped. Also for me, personally, knowing that I am overwhelmingly loved by God helps me not to demand that other people fulfil my emotional needs. Again that is a decision, a decision to accept that I am loved by Him and that he will never let me down or abandon me.

There is an article about anger on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/anger/), which might be worth looking through. Another tip I would offer is not to react at once to how your husband behaves - biting your tongue, counting to ten or something like that has helped me to stop and think before reacting.

Recognising the way you respond to each other in a patterned way might also help you.

Someone I know gets a couple to stand on a series of squares set out like a chess board. They each take turn in speaking. What often happens is that one or other steps back or turns away, when they are hurt or angry. Body language shows how they are reacting to each other. The pattern is demonstrated in a very visual way. You probably can't do that very naturally with your husband, but try and be aware of your body language when you are talking to him. Do you look down, turn away, hold your arms close into your body? If you do try, looking him gently in the eye, consciously relaxing your body, unfolding your arms, even reaching out to touch him gently, while smiling or at least looking warmly at him. Don’t expect an immediate response – if you’re doing it to get him to be nice to you rather than to help him, it probably won’t work.

Forgiveness and letting go are things you've identified as being really important for you - not just your husband but also your father. What is in your broom cupboard - lots of unfinished issues and rubbish that come tumbling out whenever you have some friction with each other? Anything more than 24 hours old should be treated as gone, past it's sell by date, taken away with the garbage. Perhaps you’re due for a spring clean. Why not find some time to go into that cupboard and take each item out and consciously throw it out into your emotional garbage can. Some folk find it helps to write it all down than tear it up.

Good luck and have a peaceful Christmas

Liz

PS Remember that alcohol is actually a depressant, so don’t let it drag you down.

[maria c]

thank you for your reply Liz

I willl certainly think about all you have said and work on this. You do a great job and it means a lot to be able to reach out to someone and have them respond when you feel low.

Hope you and your family have a lovely christmas.

Maria

ps I have a 13 year old boy so i might try and get hold of that book about teenagers recommended by Kate in her article!

[maria c]

Hi

Just thought I would give you a little update. firstly I got hold of the book How to really love your teenager which is really interesting. I think it is always reassuring to learn that you are the way you are because that is what you have learned and you can learn skills to be different - with a bit of effort! i also enrolled on a course run by the WEA called women and anger which i went to yesterday and think will be really useful to me. For some reason I find I feel a bit ashamed to admit that I do get angry and dont always deal with it well but I think by acknowledging this and going to the course feels like a bit of relief. I think I have a perfectionist streak in me (probably instilled by parents) where i feel i have to be perfect to be ok as a person and this is obviously not attainable.

Anyway I thought you might like to know that I am making a bit of progress and starting to get back on my feet as my head as I have just been so negative for the last year and a half with all the emotional trauma i have been through. it has been hard and quite a struggle and my head has been in a whirl but I think I am coming out of the other side. Where do you get your faith from? I feel my spiritual side has got lost somewhere.

Thanks for all your past help.

[Liz]

Dear Maria,

Hey it's really good to hear from you. Well done, you've been really busy and made some great steps forward. I hope the course is really helpful. You're also making some progress in self awareness and self honesty - recognising the perfectionist streak in you.

I've got a few perfectionists in my family. Just a thought, have you tried readjusting what you see as perfection. We tried that with one of our children who wouldn't start anything unless he knew he could do it well. We encouraged him to see that perfection could be more about getting the job done than having it look perfect. I think we all set our own expectations of ourselves, and if we can understand and adjust those, it can help us to live with ourselves more peacefully! It's good to have high standards, isn't it, but not so high that we beat ourselves up over them all the time!

You ask where I get my faith from. Well reading the bible, praying and meeting up with other Christians is where I get my spiritual strength from. It's not always easy - I've been through a really difficult patch lately, but part of my faith has been knowing deep down inside that God will never let me go and that he is in control of my life and the rest of it all, however bad the circumstances look, or I feel. When I don't like the way things are going I'm often tempted to take back control of my life, and I find I need to go back and ask his forgiveness for not trusting him and letting him be in charge. It's not easy when we are going through a tough patch emotionally, but I believe he understands and he's always there waiting for us to turn back to him.

I hope you continue to find the peace and strength you need.

Liz


:)