Dropping the "I dont think I love you anymore" bombshell

[whatisgoingon.]

A few months ago my wife told me she no longer loved me. I was devasated and did not know how this had happened. Over night my world collapsed and everything I belived in went. We argued for a while and tried to be nice to each other for our children. We started talking and trying to find the problems but nothing seemed to come of out of our talks but hurt feelings and pain. Then I found out that another man was invouled and I confronted My wife with this. At first she denied it but she broke down and confesed that she had met somebody else, whom she liked a lot and he liked her, I wasn`t even upset. I held her and we talked more than we had for weeks. No raised voices just quiet conversation, she had already been hurting herself about this. He lives about 300 miles away and I knew she would be meeting him around christmas in york for a weekend she had planned before this all began. I asked her if she wanted to go to him, be with him, I even told her that I would take time of work and she could go to him and work out her feelings. she refused as my reaction to finding out had confused her even more. over the past month our relationship has started growing stronger again but its more a friendship than a partnership/marrige. We started going out together having found a babysitter whom we both trust. we started enjoying each others company again, over the past week she has even been showing me some affection, small things like returning a light kiss, or a cuddle and even in our bed she has started returning a loving cuddle. Our relationship has improved it may even have a stronger foundation than its had for years. We have both agread to getting relationship advice after christmas ( I wanted it right at the start of this but I also wanted my children to have a good holiday and agread to put guidence of untill after)

Here is the problem that could bring everthing crumbling down again and this is what I would like some other peoples views on.

I haven`t asked her not to go to york to meet this man, and I won`t ask her not to. I would hope that she does this herself but she is still enamoured with this man, He is younger than me, better off, with better prospects. And as much as I would like to hate him, if I met him in different circumstances I would probably be his friend. If she turned round to me at christmas and said she wanted to be with him I couldnt/wouldnt stop her, I understand her feelings and I understand him more than she would like me to admit.

I would also take her back if she returned. I havent said how much I love this woman, we went out saturday and I had no idea what she was going to wear. I walk into our bedroom and she was dressed in a dress I bought her some years ago and I just went "WOW" she looked fantastic, I want to spend the rest of my life with this lady period.

She is still having secret conversations with this man, I can`t stop them. If I asked her to choose I think I would loose, If I asked her to cut all contact with him I would loose. Reading this do any of you think I need to take a different tack or am I just stupid/mad. Just writing this out has given me some comfort and if I get no advice which I can/wont take at least i`m a little happier than I was when I started writing this.

[dazedandconfused]

It's a tough one. I've been going through the same thing for a number of months now. The difference is that my wife left and took our baby with her. Initially she said there was no-one else involved but then I saw someone elses car at her house a couple of nights and confronted her about it. At the start I was the same as you. I just wanted her to be happy and if the other guy was the one to make her happy then I just had to accept it.

The affair carried on. She came back a couple of times but went back to him both times. A third time I said I didn't want to try again so she went back to him again. Now she says it is over (and I can see that it really is this time) and that she wants us to try again.

The problem for me is that I don't know if I love her now and I told her. The thing is I know that I do love her and I want my family back. I'm frightened that if I didn't make her happy before then how can I make her happy going forward? Will it all happen again.

There is a book you should read. It's called "Infidelity - a survival guide" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/infidsurvive/) by Don-David Lusterman - I got it from Amazon. It will help you both to identify what has gone wrong in your marriage and help you both decide if you want to put it right. I've read all the Relate books and the Mars and Venus stuff and this is probably the best of all.

Above all you need to keep doing what you have started. Put some sparkle back into your relationship. Talk about what is missing and where you are both unhappy. Do it now before you end up in my situation and are even more confused. Keep doing it too if you want your marriage to work. I was complacent. I regret it now.

[smity]

WOW
I cant help but wonder if there is any connection with your wife and my husband. He told me a couple of months ago he is no longer in love with me. Said there was no one else. Since then i found out that yes he is in love with someone else, he chats with her online and by cell phone. In fact he was going to meet her in New York before Christmas. I know your delima. In fact I have gone so far as to call her. I had asked him to give her up for his sake and mine since she was married. I saw him going down a path that would lead to hurt. But he shut down so I reached out to her. I told him i was ok with him and her, because she made him happy. I know that if she wasnt married he would leave me for her. Yes it hurts. But I cant hold on to someone who doesnt want me. We would both end up miserable. Yes I want to grow old with him. But I have come to face facts that it may very well not happen. No one truly knows. I hope for your sake she reconnects with you. You are doing right, dont pressure. It only pushes them away. Patience and understanding are your biggest allies. Hold on to them. And savor the good moments. You will be in my prayers. I wish you the best of luck.