husband/sister in hanky panky

[Guest]

I could use some help. I found out that my husband and my sister had (are having?) an affair that went on for years - they are both very good liars and are good at hiding things, but the time came when my suspictions led me on to search further, and there is strong indication that more than just visiting was going on between them! He denies in spite of the evidence, or just keeps silent, and I don't know what to think. I have quit talkng to my sister but have reason to believe that he does on a regular basis. He defends her - watches out for her - lets her know in front of me that what she thinks is more important than what I think - but still denies that there is anything at all between them. He runs her husband down all the time - These things and more wake me in the middle of the night, and sleep is impossible. He is exceedingly kind to me since I accused him of the affair - but why? When for years he didn't give a damn about me? Is there some way I can check on old phone calls, etc? I am rambling - maybe I can get my thoughts together better later. pls help!

[Kate]

I am sure that you are very worried and distressed by all this, but would it really help to start checking up on him. Surely what is more important is to look to the future and try and rebuild the trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) you have lost. You won't do that by spying on him or trying to look at old phone bills.

If something has happened in the past, he may be afraid to admit it because he does still really care for you and is afraid in case he loses you.

What do you really want out of life now? Do you want a future with your husband with your relationship rebuilt and strengthened? What would you do if you found out that he had been having an affair? Would you want revenge or your husband back and a fresh start?

Before you start delving around in the past, amke sure you knwo what you want for the future.

Best wishes

Kate

[Kate]

Just seen your second post - just wondered could it be that your sister is upset because you aren't talking to her? If you aren't right about what you think is going on between them, then she must be quite hurt.

Just a thought

Kate

[Unregistered]

thank you for your thoughts - at this point, I don't know what I want for the future. It is not possible to understand how and why I feel in such limited space, but during an absence of my husband, our son died. He was ill when my husband left, and my husband did not need to leave - but in spite of my asking him not to, he did. He did not help me through the grief - I thought because he was grieving, too - still, there were indications I could not understand. Due to a quirky thing or things during a visit from my sister, I came to realize that there was something there. I looked into the timeframe when my husband left our son and I. He was with her. Since learning this, all the grief has come back afresh and I have flashbacks that torture me. He acts like he loves me, cares about me, and wants me around - but I feel hollow and can't get past that he left us alone at such a critical time, and lied to do it, too. I have tried to get him to talk about it - he won't. We have been married over half our lives to each other. It is a sad story. I never thought my sister would do anything like that, and so it doubles the grief, and the pain. I really don't feel that life is worth living at this point. I have questioned my sanity - and sometimes feel like I am losing it. I just don't know where to go from here. Thank you for listening, and for your thoughts.

[Kate]

Hello again,

You have been through a really tough time. I don't know from what you've written what the timescale is, but I suspect you are still grieving for your son. It's not surprising that you feel that you need your husband's full and whole hearted support. Bereavement is tough to go through without such support. In the absence of that support is there anyone else you can turn to, like other family members or a bereavement counsellor?

I know from my own experience of family bereavement that the pain can come sweeping over me at the most unexpected times and can be overpowering. I’ve likened it to being on boat in a stormy sea, still anchored but tossed about. The reference points seem to have gone and I’ve lost my way in life. I’ve almost lost sight of who I really am. You’re not losing your sanity, it’s just the power of the turmoil and emotions that you are going through.

I also finds that it makes me even more sensitive to how others are responding to me. At present it sounds as if there are a number of issues getting entangled to leave you feeling lost and unsure of how you are feeling and what is causing what.

Please seek some help either from family or some professional. Don't try to get through this on your own. I know that when I'm feeling vulnerable, the last thing I want to do is go seeking help to open up the wounds afresh, but it is necessary to find healing and a way forward.

You will come through this, there’s just a bit of a difficult path ahead.

Keep in touch.

Kate
:)

[Unregistered]

kate, I do appreciate your thoughts, and find it interesting that you think I am still grieving - I probably always will. I thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your experience with me. I intend to find a professional counselor - there just seems to be other things cropping up all the time. You said at one point that my sister may have her feelings hurt - I've thought about that, and I think she is not sorry - just sorry she got caught. The same is true of my husband. Another sister tried to get me to contact her several times, telling me how despressed she is, etc - this is an old family pattern - I am supposed to fix it all up. But I refuse. Do you think that is OK?

[Kate]

Hi sorry that I haven't responded sooner.

Does contacting your sister involve you fixing anything up or just being open to hear what she has to say. When you do speak to her you may not change your opinion about the situation, but at least you have shown willing to stay in touch.

However you know your family best and how they interact with each other, so in the end it's your decision, just be sure you know why you are making it.

It is important for your health to forgive your sister otherwise it will turn inside to bitterness, but finding the strength to forgive can take time too.

Let me know how things go.

Kate


:)