sex life is gone

[Unregistered]

sex life in this marriage i feel is gone, and if it does its only about 2 or 3 times a month and that only if i push it to happen. its at the point where i just don't want to have sex anymore, i just stop thinking about and just go cold. i don't know what to do can anyone give me any advice please.


signed
the thrill is gone

[Kate]

Hello there,

You don't make clear what might be causing these difficulties. Have you lost interest or did your partner lose interest first? There are all sorts of reasons for marriages running into these sorts of problems. Why not have a look at the section of the site that addresses these issues (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/).

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We dated for 7 years prior to getting married. Our sex life is basically non-existent. We haven't had sex in 2 months. Prior to that it had been 2 or 3 months since sex. I've tried talking to my husband about it and he's even seen my crying in the bathroom about it. But, still no change. Besides our sex life we have a good marriage. I am concerned that we have simply become best friends. I still desire my husband and want to sex with him, but lately his lack of interest has made me feel very undesirable. I hate to admit it, but it had lowered my self esteem. I am in my late 20's and my husband is in his early 30's. It just seems that we are too young to be going through this. My husband does apparently still have sexual interests- just not me. I've seen him get a hard on while atching pornos and he often points out women on tv that he thinks are hot. What should I do? I just don't know what to do. I'm not asking for sex every day or every week. At this point once a month would be nice.

[Dave]

Hi there

Firstly, you are by no means alone in facing this problem - there are lots of marriages where sex seems to have died out - don't despair.

First, try to get hold of the book The Sex-Starved Marriage: The Couple's Guide to Understanding Mismatched Sexual Desire and Boosting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/sexstarved/) - it will help you get to a real understanding of what's going on.

Secondly, maybe you can just start to take the initiative. Don't ask your hubby "shall we....", simply start to make love with him. Tough as it may be, if he starts to get turned on watching porn, then why not join in then and there - get involved with him rather than just resenting his attention to others.

Please understand, I am not condoning or promoting the idea that he (or you both) should turn to things like porn - only that you meet him where he is, and start from there.

Hope this helps

Dave

[Unregistered]

You are very lucky to have sex 2-3 times a month,
because although we are happy , I do not get a chance for sex once a month. I cannot force my partner for sex everyday even though I need it nearly everyday.

[cldbloom]

Be careful about Porn- I used to complain because I wanted sex more than my husband, he would just smile whenever we brought it up, but just this week I discovered that he is addicted to phone and internet sex and porn and the reason he's not interested is because after 2 c-sections for babies and a few extra pounds (kilos?) he's decided I'm not "attractive" anymore. I don't think he realizes that that much time with his own hands desensitizes him to real intimacy with me and the lies, missing money and guilt may have something to do with us "not connecting". He still seems to be in denial about the effects of his secret on our relationship.

I love him so much, but all Ihave ever asked for is honesty. The betrayal and hurt are amazing.

cldbloom

[hold_your_ground]

To all of you who are having sex problems inside of a long relationship:
TAKE A NICE RELAXING VACATION WITH NO DISTRACTIONS go as far away as you can. Don't put all sort of pressure on yourselves but just get out of the routing, feel it out, see if old feelings can come back out that are there but covered by all the bs we all have to deal with daily. There are no excuses for not wanting to go.

Analyze when you get back home, not on the trip and then go from there.

[cldbloom]

Did That!! Many times- to exotic islands and little B&B's- he would still be agitated with everything- now I know it was because he was away from his "habit"- He would blame his distraction on troubles at work or my irritable habits like asking "how's it going?" or "whatcha doin'?" in a conversational tone which he took to be prying and intrusive.

As soon as he got home he would check his e-mails and hide in his office to "clean up his in box". He even bought a web cam, and I still wasn't suspecting anything.

charlotte

[hold_your_ground]

that stinks. maybe there is something new you guys can try/get into sexually?

[cldbloom]

Without emotional intimacy, a normal woman with "imperfections" can't compete with pornography. I was more than willing to try- I always thought I was pretty adventurous and that my sex drive was greater than his- but that's because he used his up before he came to me.

My dad always said, "It takes two to Tango", usually when refferring to arguments, but it works the same when applied to relationships getting better. If he refuses to look within to examine his feelings and psyche, I can work and work and work (13 years?)and it will never be a "true and honest" relationship- and it shows in the bedroom.
I've tried everything- literally-but until I discovered his betrayal and lies, I never truly understood that there was nothing I could do until he wanted to find the root of the problem, together. Like any addictive/compulsive behavior, it's not just the behavior, but everything surrounding it.

I've accepted that and decided I/we deserve more and his demons can't chase me anymore- now he's mad at me because it's inconvenient for him to have to make decisions about living instead of hiding, allowing me to make the decisions and then getting mad at me for every little thing. He doesn't have a scapegoat anymore. But I'm doing OK.