Spark

[Jay Jay]

Why can't my husband find the spark to get him back to intimacy in our relationship.

Intimacy and sex was something we never had an issue about. He told me he no longer loved me last year. In the meantime I choose to make changes in myself. Somewhere along the line he came back and told me he did have feelings for me. He felt a friendship for me he never had and always wanted. He didn't say he loved me that took longer.

Arguements and lack of trust on my part (which he didn't give me any reason to not trust him) are no longer part of our relationship. We get on much better that we ever did. He says he's never been happier and would be happy for us to continue the way we are as there is nothing wrong with our relaionship. I say to him don't you miss the flirting and sex stuff and he says it dosen't bother him. I don't understand it dosen't make sence to me. How can he be loving to me hugs kisses, little gifts, e-mails every day that I work from home etc but stop there. I feel like the rabbit jumping up for the carrot dangling from the string. It hurts so much sometimes that my stomach feels sick. Whats up with him. He says he dosen't have the spark anymore theres nothing he can do. I don't want to live in a marriage without intimacy. Will he never get his spark back.

Is there anyone out there been in a similar situation as my husband that could give me hope. Were in our late 30's and physically fit. Thank you.

[Mike T]

Are you sure it's not a "physical" thing Jay jay (ie impotence etc). Perhaps a Dr could help if it is?

[Jay Jay]

Thanks Mike for your reply! He will perform on the rare occasion when it pleases him without any problems . . that makes it more fustrating because he can. He much preferes a cuddle. I know real love is not abt being superficial, but I'd find it somehow excusable if I was in anyway unattractive . . if anything I'm quite the opposite (I only mention this to eliminate reasons why he the way he is). He's said to me this makes him feel guilty that he is the way he is. He insists there is nothing physically wrong with him. Can a man just simply close part of himself down without him even noticing he is doing it?

I'm grateful for any suggestions. Thank you!

[Mike T]

Can a man just simply close part of himself down without him even noticing he is doing it?


Hmm... I doubt it, in my case I managed to shut down my wife's feelings for me over a long period of thoughtless behaviour which built up into a deep resentment.

Have you thought of counselling ie relate?

[Dave]

There are lots of possible reasons why both men and women can suffer from a low libido. The good news is you are not alone - there are many marriagesout there, some estimates put as high as 1 in 3, where lovemaking is a rare or even totally absent part of the relationship.

Take a look at our section on Difficulties in our sexual relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/) and in particular get a copy of the excellent book The sex-starved marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sexstarved/). It's full of practical advice to tackle this problem

Good luck

Dave

[Jay Jay]

Thank you Mike and Dave for your reply.
I found the articles very helpful, thank you. Theres a wealth of information in there . . . in the meantime I'm working through the suggestions and guided advice.

Yes, Relate was the first place I went to, within weeks of realising how my husband felt. It had to be on my own as he'd already given up on us . . quite rightly so. I went twice. It wasn't the right time to go for help to 'fix us'. The people at Relate were lovely and welcoming. I'd probably seek out a private councellor of my own with whom I felt was right for me.

Thank you.