Making up for past mistakes.

[Mike T]

In brief (there are more things to say, but that would take too long!),

My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years, and married for the past 14. Both of us have been faithful, but I've recently realised that I've only been half the husband I should've been for her.

When our sons were born I could've done more, I could've helped more with our house and I could've supported her in so many simple ways. Mostly though I became withdrawn from her social life, and now she finds it hard to trust me to enjoy social situations with her.

We have grown more and more apart, and whilst I'm sure that we both want a future together she's scared that things will just be that same for the rest of her life. She's also very tired and doesn't have the energy to work on bringing us closer.

I have a great desire to make our future better, and without ignoring what has happened in the past, show her that I truly want to be a more complete person in her life.

I love her very much, but hope that I've not killed her love for me.

Practical ideas for rebuilding trust and love very welcome!

Thanks,

Mike.

[Jay Jay]

I understand how you are feeling.
Has there been any positive changes between you and your wife in the meantime?

Best wishes J J

[Mike T]

Hi,

Well we are going to Relate, but in a way it's just digging up the past. I don't want to whitewash over what happened (and it's not ALL bad!) but raking over the coals every week, not sure it's helping at the moment.

I have suggested a period of managed separation, to give her time to get her thoughts together without me clouding the issue. We will have to make sure it's what we both think will be of most help before putting it into action.

Still work in progress!

How are you coping?

mike

[maria c]

Just thought that I would point out that women often find talking helpful in itself and a sign of your willingness to try and sort things out. Also men seek distance when trying to deal with things and women want to keep on talking until they feel things are dealt with. this is not a sexist comment but from my own experience and backed up by books on the subject about the differences between men an women which I found helpful. My husband and I are typical sterotypes and whilst it is extremely frustrating it is good to know that others have the same difficulties. good luck Mike with sorting things out. Your effort is something to be respected.

[Mike T]

Hello Maria,

She know's I want to sort it out (and by that I mean to re-launch our partnership as a better marriage) but she's not sure she has the will.

That's why I suggested the managed separation so she can get to grips with her thoughts and we can come to an agreement as to our future.

In brief she's just tired out by it all, and I'm concerned that this might just make her even more tired! We'd agree on the terms and aim of the separation before acting on it though.

Thanks for your kind thought, anyone with managed separation tips please pile in!

M

[Kate]

Hi Mike

Have you thought about some enrichment rather than counselling. Enrichment is forward looking. You can find about courses here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

All the best

Kate :)

[Mike T]

Hello Kate,

Thanks for the link, but after talking it through together, and with our counsellor, we are going to use "controlled separation" for a few months.

We are doing it with the aim of giving our relationship a chance to rest, and come back to it (hopefully!) refreshed and with a new launching point for a more equal future together.

It's scarey of course but it could be the motivator for acceptance of change in both of us.

Mike.

[Dave]

Hi Mike

Given that your decision is a Managed Separation, you might like to look at our article on the subject (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/managedsepn/) and the book, Should I stay or go (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/staygo/)

Best wishes

Dave

[Mike T]

It was this article that lead me to buy her book Dave!

One thing I've noticed is that the book doesn't deal with is the actual business of being separated, it's mainly the build up to it, ie the contract.

We are planning to keep in touch, but how much is too much or too little?

I suppose we'll work out what feels right for us both.

MT