i had an affair

[crimson]

I had an affair with a coworker. It started as just email chat that became more and more personal and then sexual. Basically we were caught when he forgot to log out ouf his email at home and his wife stumbled into it. She knows of the emails but not who I am. When she found out I explained to my spouse everything that had happened up to that point. My coworker and I have met outside the office but neither of our spouses know this. It had the effect of a wrecking ball on his marriage and less affect on mine. My spouse did not read any of the emails and feel that is why. My coworker and i stopped corresponding at this point. Both of us devastated by the ramifications of our actions on our spouses. It was worse than I could ever have imagined. It's been 30 days since we 'came clean' and the emails have started again. It's like I can't stop it. I want to stop it. My coworker doesn't see anything wrong in our emails or for caring about each other. I'm afraid of how I feel and where these feelings will take me. I love my spouse so very much and just don't understand where all this is coming from. Low self esteem? Loneliness? I need to talk to someone but don't know where to turn. I'm afraid and I just don't know what to do. :confused: :confused:

[Unregistered]

Follow your heart

[crimson]

My heart's the confused part I think.

[Dave]

Hi

Well, first of all you have done some things right by talking to your husband - an attitude of openness is the only way you will build trust. But you are at a dangerous crossroads.

You could take the easy advice offered below - it will lead you down a road of secrecy and lies, and will end up wrecking your marriage, as well as substantially reducing your chances of stability and success in future relationships.

Or you can harness the greatest resource you currently have - a partner who has committed himself wholeheartedly to you - and work your way through this together. Take a look in our section on Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) on the site - you'll find in there some articles on why affairs happen - why not read them together and discuss the feelings that are drawing you in.

Find ways to be accountable to each other - why not agree with your partner to send him an email every time you feel tempted to send one to this co-worker? Find ways to make yourself stop the rubbish.

Ask the co-worker to stop! It may be difficult, but it's easier now than later. If you're using a work e-mail system you might point out that you are almost certainly breaking the rules. If you are using an email at home, why not let your husband have full access (and tell the co-worker) - you can always agree to delete the old messages, just make a clean start.

You do have a simple, but clear choice to make - in the end it comes down to sticking by the promises you made a few years ago to the special man in your life and building a lifetime of love, or taking a few cheap thrills now, and building a lifetime of lies.

We're here for you

Dave

[crimson]

dave,
that's how this whole thing started in the first place i think. we weren't communicating at all. when things came out, i felt i had to tell him. i had to let him know. part of me was afraid that the spouse of the coworker would tell him first. it was really wonderful to talk things through. it seemed as if things were on track. i know i love my spouse. i know i have feelings for the coworker but when it comes right down to it i think it's just a friendship. he flatters me, flirts with me. i guess it's the attention. my spouse is trying very hard to 'notice' me. we have begun dating again and doing more things together. part of me wishes though that he would be flirty like my coworker. i can't just 'follow my heart'. it keeps changing it's mind. i have to do what my head is saying - work on the marriage. it is good to have someone to talk to. thank you.

[Dave]

Hi

Great to hear back so quick - you're on the right track!!

Why not try some keep fit for your relationship. Take a look at or page on services to strengthen your marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These weekends and courses are a great way to refresh and renew your marriage - like going to the gym!

Dave

[crimson]

Well, i'm on the right track because i'm at home. Once I go to work and my coworker smiles at me, i'll lose all the ground i just gained. It's like being pulled in two different directions at the same time.

[crimson]

Thank your for the reply.
My husband is still upset about the situation. In fact he's the one that found this website. I was extremely relieved to be able to tell him. He's worried that I only told him because I felt I "had" to. Which is partly true. My coworker and I still talk but nothing like before. We both got 'shocked' out of this one. We are though having trouble letting go of the feelings we developed for each other. I think for me - it's the same as for your husband - it felt really good - a boost the self esteem to have someone else 'notice' me. Low self esteem is one of my problems but that is something only i can fix. I am trying to put all of my energies into my marriage and move past the 'mistake'. It's hard for me. I can't even imagine what it's like for our spouses or for you. Thanks again. It was good to see someone's perspective on the other side.

[Dave]

Here's a little mental trick that can help lessen the desire you feel each time you see the co-worker or whoever - use the power of the mind to associate the person with an image you find repugnant or ridiculous.

In Reggie Perrin, every time he saw or thought about his mother-in-law he thought of a Hippo - it became a reflex.

You can do the same - for example, like Reggie, you could think of an animal you find grotesque or smelly. Alternatively find an image of the person doing something that would offend you - say sitting on the toilet, or even making love with his/her spouse.

Train yourself to bring this image to mind as soon as you see or hear them - it doesn't take long to get the habit!

Try it - and let us know what happens!

Dave

[crimson]

actually that idea is easier than i thought it would be. my image is an ashtray. the coworker does smoke and is usually pretty good about the 'smell'. on occasion - he isn't and i notice. our other coworkers are not aware - at least there has been nothing made known - that there was ever anything between us. so work itself is not a problem. at this point in time i cannot afford to quit my job but would if things became to complicated. i will let you know how this 'aversion therapy' works. thank you.

[crimson]

It already seems silly to me. The entire thing from first email to first encounter to last encounter to last email was exactly 3 months. I can't believe I was that stupid. My coworker feels the same. "what did we do?" He is having much more difficulties with his spouse.
Yes, it is nice to know that you are still 'attractive' or at least have the potential to be. It made me feel a lot better about myself to know a hint of the possibilities. I don't think I actively sought the emails but I did hit 'reply' and cannot blame anyone but myself.
My spouse and I are working through things. It's wonderful to communicate again. We have both promised to never let things get in the way of 'us'. We are rebuilding and it feels good. I know it will take time but it is heading in the right direction.
No one knows us better than our spouses and yes, over time people do change but with communication all things are possible.

[maria c]

I am really pleased to hear that things are going well for you and you are getting through it.
Maybe the difference with your colleagues wife reacting so badly is that I believe women are much more emotional than men and any betrayal to her would have probably hit her really hard as it probably would have you if it had been your husband. i dont think men view things in quite the same way. for example my husband was really surprised by my reaction and said it had never been serious and she could never compare to what we had and she was just a friend he liked the things she was saying and got drawn into it. It felt very serious to me to think he had been having some form of flirtatious relationship but I think it was just fulfilling a need in him at
the time and she actually meant nothing in real terms. From the things he said about her I dont think he ever thought that much of her in reality but he wasnt going to say no to her boosting his ego on a regular basis. I wonder how you can get that from your partner when you know them so well as an initial attraction only lasts for a short while in any relationship - as exciting as it may be.

[crimson]

I guess you could say that I began noticing the coworker out of loneliness. I've been married for 17 years. It had become habitual and we had stopped doing for each other and doing for the kids, etc. I wanted to be noticed. I needed to be noticed. The things I tried at home weren't accomplishing that. The emails started with the coworker about the time I had hit my lowest point. It was a tremendous boost for me. My husband noticed the change in my 'attitude' but didn't ask what the change was from. When I told him everything - I know it hurt him. Yes, I agree with you on the difference in perceptions between men and women. I would have been devastated also and I tried to keep that in mind while he and I discussed everything. I tried to keep how I would feel if the tables were turned - close at hand. My co-worker's spouse is another story and I can't do anything to help her. His reasons and my reasons for this affair are completely different. I can only worry right now about fixing my relationship with my spouse. That is my priority. I will always consider the coworker a friend but it will never be anything more than that. EVER. This entire situation - in spite of the heartbreak - has completely changed things in my marriage. It has changed things in a good way. I will work hard to earn back his trust and once I have it, I will never jeopardize it again.