So confused and depressed!

[Unregistered]

I've been married for three years, with my husband for 5. I know that everyone who reads this is going to judge me and tell me how horrible of a person I am, but I'm at the point where I just dont care anymore. I need help and I dont know what else to do. My husband and I have two children together, and he has one from a former marriage. I honestly feel that I do love him and that's why I'm so confused. He and I both do drugs. It hasn't gotten to the point where our children are directly affected, or are financial status has gone downhill. We go to work everyday, pay our bills, and take care of our kids. Our relationship, however, is completely destructive. We argue constantly, dont communicate at all, and are never happy with eachother. I cant even remember the last time he slept in our bed with me. He always falls asleep on the couch with our 2 year old son. I try waking him up but that just gets me in trouble. I began having an affair with my drug dealer a few months ago. Please understand that I dont do it for the drugs. The majority of the time I tell my husband that I'm going there to see if anything is available, but am really going over there for the affair. The drugs are my excuse and my ticket out of the house. I'm dont have to lie about where I'm going and I never ask my dealer if I can get drugs when I'm there. I come home and tell my husband that my dealer got me high but didn't have anything to get rid of. My problem is that I dont really know why I'm having the affair. He came on to me first and I gave in. I dont know if it's because he actually expressed a desire to be with me, or if it's because he makes me feel like there is somebody on this planet that I can make happy. I enjoy every encounter with my dealer, but I dont feel anything for him other than a friend. I truly love my husband and I'm so extremely depressed because our relationship is so screwed up. I've tried getting him to go to counseling,, even before my affair, and he refuses. He says I'm the one with all the problems and that I should go to counseling alone. He wants me to change everything about myself which makes me feel like a complete failure. I know I'm not that screwed up in the head and our marital problems are not soley my fault. He refuses to believe that he can be at fault too. I feel like there's no hope for my marriage and I see my babies' faces and just want to cry endlessly. I feel like any minute I could just go right over that edge and be gone forever. I'm so lost and could really use some help. I dont care if you tell me that I'm a selfish damn bitch and I need to start thinking about my family. Just please tell me something. I cant take this anymore.
Thank you...

[gottabmovin]

Dear depressed and confused,

I can relate to your story in a few different ways. One is my husband and I use to be on drugs too. The other is how your husband is treating you that made you go out and have the affair. My husband had an affair in Feb. But after the affair he seems to have grown distant and has been making me feel lonely. I have come close to having an affair myself just to have someone notice me or give me attention. I haven't though. My husband and I quit doing drugs about 7 years ago. It caused alot of problems in our relationship. I am not saying that you need to quit the drugs to make the marriage work, but it is a start. The drugs make you not care, as with him. They are your way of escaping what is really wrong. My husband did the drugs to deal with his pain from his past of his mother getting killed and his step dad getting shot. I did the drugs to deal with the pain of my husband going in and out of jail all the time and he was abusive. I also did it because of things in my past child hood. So, you may want to look into why you are both doing the drugs. My husband also didn't want to do the counseling. He thought that I needed it more then him. So we never did go. I have been reading alot of articles on the subject and talking with alot of people on my own. I still let him know every once in awhile that it is still on my mind and I haven't forgotten just because I have forgiven. If you really want the marriage to work, you need to stop seeing the other gentlemen. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him about the affair and that why you did it. If you want to talk more email me gottabmovin@yahoo.com