having a hard time

[bellaioo]

Had a hard time yesterday it was my daughters birthday and my h came round 3 times to see her which i found difficult as he comes in the house and acts if i not really there helps himself to drink out of the fridge without asking.Then the bicycle we bought her was too big and that was my fault ,we agreed to buy the bike together but he hasnt given me any money towards it ,how am i suppose to afford it what he gives me only just pays the bills, i had to use the money i got from child tax credit .
He seems to have wiped out the last 14 years ,how can someone do that our life together wasnt all bad ,it feels like i was living a lie, i still dont know anything about this women he is living with, i can only quess that she is probobly someone he meet at the golf course ,i use to think that letting him play so much golf instead of spending time with his family was making him happy and that was all i ever wanted for him instead he was more then likely starting a relationship with her. Was it my fault ,i loved him with every part of me maybe he needed something i wasnt giving him if only he told what was missing.Imight of been able to give him what this other woman is gving him.Iknow at the start of a new relationship it is exciting but that dosent last and i thought we had something special ,i got that wrong as well.

[Unregistered]

You sound so sad and unsure of what to do, I sense that you want to keep the peace for the sake of your child and yet at the same time you feel used and desperate. I am not surprised you feel how you do, do you have anyone to off load onto who will just listen and not tell you what they think you should do? There is hope, although you cannot see it now. It may not be in the way you perceive but you will recover. Be kind to yourself at the moment, take sometime to do things you like ( they don't have to cost money, having a cup of tea in a mug you like and listening to music or reading a book) can help comfort you at this distressing time. At some future point you maybe ready to look at putting down some boundaries for yourself so that you don't feel abused nor trodden on, but you need to gain confidence for that to happen so be aware you will have bad days but they will become fewer. You are the head not the tail! Look after your child, do the best you can as a human with faults, but remember you are unique and worth being here, there is only one of you, you are irreplacable. Your child certainly thinks so I am sure! Take care, am thinking of you.

[Unregistered]

Whilst I do not appreciate my life being painted over the internet I understand why you are seeking support from websites, however, I cannot understand how strangers that do not know the intimate details of our past relationship can truly know the answers. You have had your say over several months and I have read all of your posts and said nothing, however when you decide to start writing things about me without really examiming the facts, I feel that I must respond and I believe that now it is my turn to answer a few of your questions.

The drink from the fridge was taken because you were not there and I was looking after the children. I had a can of Diet Coke and I thought you would not mind as you always offer me a drink when I am there; I will replace the drink when I next come over. This seems extremely petty, but as you raised the issue I have responded. The bicycle was too big for our daughter, I could not take her as I work, and yes it was unfortunate that you did not take her down to get her measured for it prior, but I was not blaming you I was just dissapointed for her. I believe that since your last post the saddle has been adjusted and the bicycle is now fine.
I met our daughter 3 times because it was her Birthday, I am sorry that is hard for you, but I am entitled to see them as much as YOU allow. I do not treat the house or you with disregard, I handed you the key to the house when I left and always ask permission to do anything in there, this includes from washing my hands to going to the toilet. When you consider that I have been the sole worker in our relationship for the last 8 years and have paid fully for all that we have had, then being a stranger in a house that I have lived in for 14 years is also extremely hard for me to take. I do not underestimate the contribution you made bringing the children up, and I am in no way saying that we were not a team because we were. I certainly would not of been able to cope with work and raising the children, and you are without doubt an excellent mother.

I do not understand how I can contribute paying anymore for the costs as I give you 82 % of my wages and I live on a pittance, considering that I have given you the house, car and everything in it except me. This amounts to over £140,000 equity that is YOURS. Do you realise that some men walk out, and then legally seek an amount of the equity in the house and then only give the CSA required amount of their wages to the children? Whilst I am not knocking what other people do, I feel I have been as fair as possible, my children's continued well being are crucially important to me. Unlike others I do not choose to leave home, and then take a percentage of the house. The bicycle purchased for our daughter came out of my wages that is automatically paid into our account each week, surely then I have contributed to the purchase of it. Remember, you do not work, therefore you are technically not paying towards anything either. Maybe if you seeked employment then we could both have an easier time financially.

I appreciate that you do not understand how I can just walk out over 14 years, but if you realised as I did that you are so unhappy then life is far too short to carry on. The reasons are deep rooted, and stem from a lot of different issues, however I am not posting these on a website because I feel that some things are private. A relationship is built on love trust and mutual bonding between two people, our marriage had two of these. I felt completely unloved when I returned from a break this year, you chose to virtually ignore me as soon as I walked through the door and just continue through the mundane life we lead.

Any issues relating to my partner are not in anyway to do with our marriage failure, I realise you do not or never will believe this, but you have to make a choice, move on or continue to be unhappy. I have moved on. I want to have the children more often, and to have them all weekend every now and then, I want this more than anything to give you a break to relax, and enjoy your life, but I feel that you will not accept this. I will never try to influence the children in anyway other than to give them the attention they never had from me before.

I will not get into an argument with you, our children do not deserve that, but the sooner that you realise what you still have, rather than what you have not got the better. You are young and have a long life ahead of you, start living it. Nothing would please me more than for you to be happy, and if you find someone to be kind to our children, and to give you the care and love you deserve then I would be extremely pleased for you.

You fully understand the implications of my employment status as it is shared with your parents, but I feel that if you do not start to move on, then I will have to. This will not help either of us, financially or emotionally.

[Dave]

Dear Snarley and Bellaiou,

It's always good to hear both sides of the story - thanks for being so open.

One thing intrigues me as I read, and re-read some of the posts in this thread back over the past six months. You say, Snarley, that you "felt completely unloved" when you came back earlier this year. I recall Bellaiou saying something like she "loved you to bits". I am not judging either of you - this looks to me like a classic case where you each work in quite different love languages.

So each of you - for you, what does it take for you to judge you are loved? Is it something about the words that are said, the actions taken? Is it about physical signs of affection, or special gifts or even simply giving each other time?

Do tell us - and please write about what it takes for you to feel loved - not what you think it takes for the other.

Dave