Affair with pilot

[Unregistered]

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 and and have a four year old son. She flies for an airline and has recently had an affair with a pilot, which I suspected and confirmed a month ago. She met him on a flight 5 months ago when we were having a difficult time together and slept with him then. She then didn't see him again until they bumped into each other in a hotel abroad and arranged to fly together once more as he was soon to be leaving the company. This they did two months ago, again sleeping together, she then finished it with him when they arrived home. I had suspected something for months, becoming more and more paranoid, checking her mobile texts and bills as it seemed every time I came in a room she quickly put her phone away. Ironically she claims it was this checking and controlling and distrust that drove her to do what she did, but the same thing had happened to my brother and his wife the year before and I was terrified the same thing was going to happen to us!! When I confronted her she of course denied everything, but when pressured everything came out. She is sorry for what happened and never meant to hurt me but that I had driven her to it. We have had a month of talking through our problems and are both trying hard to sort things out. I have forgiven her for the affair, but am still having trouble coming to terms with it and whenever she asks me what I am thinking and I tell her she says we are back to square one and that I've got to forget about it to move on. I simply can't help imagining them together and I think about it all the time. It is getting easier everyday and I no longer feel sick when I think of it, just sad and empty. I am now worried that I am trying too hard and that I might drive her away by wanting to be as close as possible. I feel that I could do everything she wants of me and then she will still be unhappy and do it again or leave me. I have surprised myself at how I have reacted, I thought I would be angrier and want to confront the other man, but I am more upset than anything else. I now have to trust that when she flies she will be faithful to me, this I am trying to do but it is hard to trust her after what she has done. I have since found out that she has had other "flirtations" with other pilots but that they went no further, to be honest I feel she probably has had other one night stands on trips, but I don't even feel that it would be any worse if she had or not. I know our problems have stemmed from lack of communication, this is something we are working on and things are better for it.
Should I try to put everything behind us and never mention it again to make things better or will bottling it up be worse in the long run? Should I be quiet to keep the peace and will it get easier with time or will I always be thinking about it and be expecting it to happen again? I just don't know. Help!!

[Liz]

You are experiencing what many people experience after infidelity. The bond of trust has been broken and you have discovered that things weren't going as well as you thought. It is going to take time to work through this.

Have you had a look at the area of the site on Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/)? There are articles there that may help you understand what is going on and how you can begin to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). It seems to be typical that the one who has been unfaithful wants to move on and put things behind them and the one who has been hurt finds that hard to do. There is no easy formula as you are finding, just a lot of hard work, patience and loving choices to make.

It's good that you have identified that communication needs to be improved. One way to help with that is to consider some marriage enrichment. There is information here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Best wishes

Liz

[Fletch]

I have many people in my family who are pilots, military and civilian and all of them will tell you that their career holds many opportunities for immoral behavior. Pilots ranks with some of the very highest divorce rates, mostly due to the overnights away from town.

You've said you have forgiven her. Part of forgiveness is forgetting the person's transgression. So in truth, you have not completely forgiven her.

Although it may take years to fully forgive someone, you must allow yourself the time you need to get over it. Part of this might come from her proving herself as someone who can be trusted. She cannot expect you to simply wipe it clean if she is continuing to flirt with others. On the other hand, if she is truly repentant, you have no choice but to fully forgive her and give yourselves a fresh start.

If her flirting continues, it will only be a matter of time before she slips back into the same pattern as before. The best rule for not getting burned is to simply not play with fire. Don't respond to the flirtations. Don't go to lunch together without others. Don't be alone with another person of the opposite sex; not only does it just plain look bad, its playing with fire.

[catlover]

I have been married for 34 years and my husband was an airline pilot from 1989 to 2001. In 1992, he had an affair with a very promiscious flight attendant. He gave me a sexually transmitted disease and then he lied and lied about the affair. I chose to bury my head in the sand and do nothing. I had a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son and I knew the damage to them would be irreparable. So I did nothing. About 3 months ago, I found 3 condoms that he carried in his flight bag the last 4 years he worked for the airline. I made him tell me how many times he had been unfaithful to me. He said it "just happened" and it was a mistake. All the feelings I had been repressing for 13 years--the hurt, anger, feelings of betrayal-- came flooding into my heart. He has reassurred me over and over that he didn't use any of the condoms--he carried them with him so he "could use them if he got into a situation he couldn't get out of". There is only one reason a married man buys condoms and that is so he can have sex with another woman and not get a disease. These past 3 months have been torture. I have considered divorce, but I still love him. He has no clue as to the hurt he has caused me, although I have told him over and over. I have lost 12 pounds, have terrible stomach aches and can't sleep at night. I can't get the picture out of my head of my husband, naked, in bed with another woman, having sex. I have been faithful to my husband. I was a virgin when we married and he is the only man I have ever had sex with. To me, faithfulness is a precious gift one gives one's spouse. I am heart broken that he didn't love me enough to be faithful. Now our children are grown and have their own homes and I'm not as terrified of divorce as I was when he had the affair. He has lied to me so much that I am worrying and obsessing about whether he used any of the condoms. He is totally and completely tired of talking about the affair, but I tell him that if talking about it over and over is what I need to do, then that is what we will do.

He has promised me that he will never be unfaithful again, but his job now is a medi-vac helicoptor pilot about 75 miles away. He is home a week and gone a week. I'm a wreck worrying about him cheating again.

I wish I could say something that will make you feel, better--just know that you are not alone.

[Sierra]

Well, you guys know where I stand. If this is what you want to live with then I hope you get it.

D

[Kate]

Dear Catlover

Thank you for your honesty in sharing the difficulties in your life. Please ignore Sierra, he likes to tell people how stupid they have been, but some of us here recognise that what you need when you are down is some understanding to enable you to make wise decisions for the future.

Your marriage is a partnership and if it is to continue, your husband will need to do whatever is necessary to reassure you that he is now going to be faithful. I hope he can see that and support you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Kate

[Sierra]

I do not like to tell people that they are stupid. What I do tell people is that once a person has revealed themselves to be a betrayer it is stupid to think they will not do it again.

Frankly I think you should get rid of this woman. She is a cheat, a liar and clearly will decide critical issues against you if it suits her fancy.

I suggest you have an affair of your own.

D

[Mems]

I don't think it's right for anyone to suggest having an affair. You still have to live with yourself and we must try our best to uphold good character especially because people are watching. Our children are watching how we deal with difficult situations, young or old. I am truly sorry for the hurt that is cause by infidelity. I think when another causes us to feel such pain that leads to so many other negative feelings, such as mistrust, insecurity, paranoia, etc......, we must dig deep inside ourselves and find more love for ourselves than our partner. I know many people that put up with the other's crap and say "But I love them". They love them more than themselves. They allow themselves to get hurt over and over and over again. We must express some serious "self caring". I had decided long ago that if I can not be in a healthy relationship, both respecting one another, than I will be alone. I was happy not being in a relationship. I like myself, I am fun to hang out with. Hey, I even make myself laugh many times over. And I think I'd even marry me if I wasn't me. I can go anywhere I want to and stay as long as I want to. And no one is hurting me. What I am saying is that there are many pros not being in a relationship. Sometimes it gets lonely, but that does pass. Kinda like when you quit smoking, you get the urge wheather your smoking or not. If you chose not to pick up that cig., the urge will subside.

I certainly wish you the best and I will add both you and your family to my prayer list.

Mems

[catlover]

I want some feedback about my situation with my unfaithful pilot husband. I have located the flight attendant he had the affair with, and I want to contact her and get her version of what happened--how many times they had sex, what led up to it, what her husband thought about it, etc. etc. My husband has lied to me so many times about his affair that I really can't believe anything he says. What do you think? Should I contact her? I feel that talking to her will bring me some closure. I'm sure he would freak out if he knew I wanted to contact her.

[Sierra]

Can't you already answer most of your own questions?

D

[catlover]

I need for the flight attendant to answer some questions. I have my husband's version of the affair which he says was a "one night stand" (and the only time he has ever been unfaithful to me, according to him) but he has proven himself to be a liar; so I guess I just want to talk to her and get her version.

[poppy]

You mean the 'affair' he had 13 years ago?? Or am I confused here? If she was so promiscuous, there's a good chance she won't even remember which one your H was. Why would you want to humiliate yourself by getting in touch with someone in these circumstances? Just how sad does that you make you look, (to her)? The only person who can give you closure on this is your H. Have your thought of counselling together? You need to do something as this seems to have become an obsession, a powerful and destructive force in your life. Do something to change that. Then perhaps you can move on, or indeed, out. There seems no trust in your marriage at all.

[sharliz]

Dear Catlover

I see that this was written a few years ago. Just wondering how it all worked out for you as I am in exactly the same position now, the same thing has happened to me. I have been feeling the same way you did, even down to thinking about contacting the other woman. Were you able to work it out? What advice can you give me?

[Bob Pure]

Hi Sharliz

I've been on the wrong end of an affair and got through it. Can I help at all ?

All blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob
Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair as that implies that feelings were involved. He had a one night stand with a woman he picked up in a bar in peru. Then he slept with the same woman twice with 11 months in between and no contact apart from that. The problem is that he was prepared to risk our happy marriage for so little. This happened early on in our 30 year marriage so it meant he was keeping secrets from me for all that time (and lying). I have since discovered that he was basically living 2 lives, as a loving husband and father at home and a single man when at work (he's a pilot). I never took my marriage for granted, always knowing that you had to work at it. The thing I am having difficulty with now is that I know I am a self blamer, if anything goes wrong I always try to blame myself or look for what I could have done to cause this, but in this case I cannot find anything to blame myself for, I cannot find a reason, in some ways it would help if I could. I have made him look at himself, probably for the first time ever, he always excused himself for his behaviour, thinking that as long as I didn't know about what he got up to at work then it could never hurt me. The arrogance of the man!! He deceived us all, me, our children, my family, his family, we were all in complete shock. Our 3 daughters will not speak to him now, although I have tried to say that he still loves them and always will and that what he did was to me and not them, but they say that he didn't think of them either and how his behaviour would affect them. Sorry I am going on a bit now, I just wanted to hear another persons view on how to deal with somthing like this and how they managed to get through it, because despite everything I still love him, after this length of time it is hard to stop loving and if there is a way to get through it I want to try.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

Is he sorry about this Sharliz or just sorry that it is out in the open? A lot will depend on that answer. It was adultery but there is a certain tradition in the forces etc. pilots included, that they can play around when far away. This doesn't justify it by any means as it was wrong. As I said it depends on what his attitude is now.

Ray

[sharliz]

Hi Raymond

To answer your question, he is devestated, he never looked at the consequences of his actions, he has now seen them and all the pain it has caused, not just to me but to everyone. I do believe he is truly sorry and he says that if he could have his time again he would never have done it. I discovered that he had almost no emotional intelligence, my mistake to think he was intelligent in all ways. It was like explaining something to a child. Even though I know all this, the sense of betrayal is huge and the pain is almost unbearable. Some help on what the best way of sorting this out would be greatly appreciated.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If he is sincere as you say he is then it can be sorted. You are wounded and need to be healed, which will happen in time. He is suffering as well from shame and realisation about what he has done.

What is left is your forgiveness. That is key to the healing of the situation. The rest is time and a determination to work on your relationship. I see hope here in you both putting this behind you. I wouldn't have said that if he was not truly sorry and you were not able to forgive.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

hey Sharliz

I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair

Maybe i should have said "adultery" Sharliz, rather than " affair". Either way betrayed spouses handle them differently.

In my own case I was recovered from the "emotional" part of my wife''s affair but still struggle with the physical betrayal. I now other betrayed spouses who almost dismissed the physical betrayal and the EA is what threatens to end their marriage.

What's important is about how you really feel about your husbands behaviour.

I believe I am worth my wife not betraying me with other men while she is married to me and that is a personal boundary of mine. My dignity will not permit me to allow any more infidelity.

How about you, sharliz ?

Its important for you to work out what you will accept and still remain in themarriage efore you decide what to do.

all blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob and Raymond

Thanks for your replies. I don't think I can ever forgive what he has done to me, all I can do is say that that relationship is over and if we have a future it will be a new relationship, an honest and open one with both of us knowing what is acceptable to each other. I don't know how long it will take for me to really take the 'wall' down, only time will tell. Thank you both for your support.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If you can never forgive Sharliz the wall will never be completely down. He did wrong. No doubt about that. Upon revelation of that your trust has been broken. However you have described his repentance and remorse over this and his realisation of how wrong it was. If you cannot now forgive him and forget where is the future with him? I know it is difficult but if you do not even try the process of forgiveness you can only go so far in your relationship and marriage. The immediate problem though is for your trust to be rebuilt and that is up to him. Maybe the two will come together in time the trust and the forgiveness.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

Sharliz, around sixty percent of marriages encounter adultery in one form or another.

MORE THAN HALF.

Recovery is possible - I KNOW this - but its a long hard road.

Forgiving your H without him committing to repent of his adultery can be a "carry on without consequence " card for some unfaithful spouses.

Your H needs to take extraordinary precautions against having further adultery.

Is he prepared to do this ?

All blessings