Affair with pilot

[Unregistered]

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 and and have a four year old son. She flies for an airline and has recently had an affair with a pilot, which I suspected and confirmed a month ago. She met him on a flight 5 months ago when we were having a difficult time together and slept with him then. She then didn't see him again until they bumped into each other in a hotel abroad and arranged to fly together once more as he was soon to be leaving the company. This they did two months ago, again sleeping together, she then finished it with him when they arrived home. I had suspected something for months, becoming more and more paranoid, checking her mobile texts and bills as it seemed every time I came in a room she quickly put her phone away. Ironically she claims it was this checking and controlling and distrust that drove her to do what she did, but the same thing had happened to my brother and his wife the year before and I was terrified the same thing was going to happen to us!! When I confronted her she of course denied everything, but when pressured everything came out. She is sorry for what happened and never meant to hurt me but that I had driven her to it. We have had a month of talking through our problems and are both trying hard to sort things out. I have forgiven her for the affair, but am still having trouble coming to terms with it and whenever she asks me what I am thinking and I tell her she says we are back to square one and that I've got to forget about it to move on. I simply can't help imagining them together and I think about it all the time. It is getting easier everyday and I no longer feel sick when I think of it, just sad and empty. I am now worried that I am trying too hard and that I might drive her away by wanting to be as close as possible. I feel that I could do everything she wants of me and then she will still be unhappy and do it again or leave me. I have surprised myself at how I have reacted, I thought I would be angrier and want to confront the other man, but I am more upset than anything else. I now have to trust that when she flies she will be faithful to me, this I am trying to do but it is hard to trust her after what she has done. I have since found out that she has had other "flirtations" with other pilots but that they went no further, to be honest I feel she probably has had other one night stands on trips, but I don't even feel that it would be any worse if she had or not. I know our problems have stemmed from lack of communication, this is something we are working on and things are better for it.
Should I try to put everything behind us and never mention it again to make things better or will bottling it up be worse in the long run? Should I be quiet to keep the peace and will it get easier with time or will I always be thinking about it and be expecting it to happen again? I just don't know. Help!!

[Liz]

You are experiencing what many people experience after infidelity. The bond of trust has been broken and you have discovered that things weren't going as well as you thought. It is going to take time to work through this.

Have you had a look at the area of the site on Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/)? There are articles there that may help you understand what is going on and how you can begin to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). It seems to be typical that the one who has been unfaithful wants to move on and put things behind them and the one who has been hurt finds that hard to do. There is no easy formula as you are finding, just a lot of hard work, patience and loving choices to make.

It's good that you have identified that communication needs to be improved. One way to help with that is to consider some marriage enrichment. There is information here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Best wishes

Liz

[Fletch]

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[Sierra]

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[Kate]

Dear Catlover

Thank you for your honesty in sharing the difficulties in your life. Please ignore Sierra, he likes to tell people how stupid they have been, but some of us here recognise that what you need when you are down is some understanding to enable you to make wise decisions for the future.

Your marriage is a partnership and if it is to continue, your husband will need to do whatever is necessary to reassure you that he is now going to be faithful. I hope he can see that and support you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Kate

[Sierra]

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[Mems]

I don't think it's right for anyone to suggest having an affair. You still have to live with yourself and we must try our best to uphold good character especially because people are watching. Our children are watching how we deal with difficult situations, young or old. I am truly sorry for the hurt that is cause by infidelity. I think when another causes us to feel such pain that leads to so many other negative feelings, such as mistrust, insecurity, paranoia, etc......, we must dig deep inside ourselves and find more love for ourselves than our partner. I know many people that put up with the other's crap and say "But I love them". They love them more than themselves. They allow themselves to get hurt over and over and over again. We must express some serious "self caring". I had decided long ago that if I can not be in a healthy relationship, both respecting one another, than I will be alone. I was happy not being in a relationship. I like myself, I am fun to hang out with. Hey, I even make myself laugh many times over. And I think I'd even marry me if I wasn't me. I can go anywhere I want to and stay as long as I want to. And no one is hurting me. What I am saying is that there are many pros not being in a relationship. Sometimes it gets lonely, but that does pass. Kinda like when you quit smoking, you get the urge wheather your smoking or not. If you chose not to pick up that cig., the urge will subside.

I certainly wish you the best and I will add both you and your family to my prayer list.

Mems

[catlover]

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[Sierra]

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[catlover]

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[poppy]

You mean the 'affair' he had 13 years ago?? Or am I confused here? If she was so promiscuous, there's a good chance she won't even remember which one your H was. Why would you want to humiliate yourself by getting in touch with someone in these circumstances? Just how sad does that you make you look, (to her)? The only person who can give you closure on this is your H. Have your thought of counselling together? You need to do something as this seems to have become an obsession, a powerful and destructive force in your life. Do something to change that. Then perhaps you can move on, or indeed, out. There seems no trust in your marriage at all.

[sharliz]

Dear Catlover

I see that this was written a few years ago. Just wondering how it all worked out for you as I am in exactly the same position now, the same thing has happened to me. I have been feeling the same way you did, even down to thinking about contacting the other woman. Were you able to work it out? What advice can you give me?

[Bob Pure]

Hi Sharliz

I've been on the wrong end of an affair and got through it. Can I help at all ?

All blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob
Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair as that implies that feelings were involved. He had a one night stand with a woman he picked up in a bar in peru. Then he slept with the same woman twice with 11 months in between and no contact apart from that. The problem is that he was prepared to risk our happy marriage for so little. This happened early on in our 30 year marriage so it meant he was keeping secrets from me for all that time (and lying). I have since discovered that he was basically living 2 lives, as a loving husband and father at home and a single man when at work (he's a pilot). I never took my marriage for granted, always knowing that you had to work at it. The thing I am having difficulty with now is that I know I am a self blamer, if anything goes wrong I always try to blame myself or look for what I could have done to cause this, but in this case I cannot find anything to blame myself for, I cannot find a reason, in some ways it would help if I could. I have made him look at himself, probably for the first time ever, he always excused himself for his behaviour, thinking that as long as I didn't know about what he got up to at work then it could never hurt me. The arrogance of the man!! He deceived us all, me, our children, my family, his family, we were all in complete shock. Our 3 daughters will not speak to him now, although I have tried to say that he still loves them and always will and that what he did was to me and not them, but they say that he didn't think of them either and how his behaviour would affect them. Sorry I am going on a bit now, I just wanted to hear another persons view on how to deal with somthing like this and how they managed to get through it, because despite everything I still love him, after this length of time it is hard to stop loving and if there is a way to get through it I want to try.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

Is he sorry about this Sharliz or just sorry that it is out in the open? A lot will depend on that answer. It was adultery but there is a certain tradition in the forces etc. pilots included, that they can play around when far away. This doesn't justify it by any means as it was wrong. As I said it depends on what his attitude is now.

Ray

[sharliz]

Hi Raymond

To answer your question, he is devestated, he never looked at the consequences of his actions, he has now seen them and all the pain it has caused, not just to me but to everyone. I do believe he is truly sorry and he says that if he could have his time again he would never have done it. I discovered that he had almost no emotional intelligence, my mistake to think he was intelligent in all ways. It was like explaining something to a child. Even though I know all this, the sense of betrayal is huge and the pain is almost unbearable. Some help on what the best way of sorting this out would be greatly appreciated.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If he is sincere as you say he is then it can be sorted. You are wounded and need to be healed, which will happen in time. He is suffering as well from shame and realisation about what he has done.

What is left is your forgiveness. That is key to the healing of the situation. The rest is time and a determination to work on your relationship. I see hope here in you both putting this behind you. I wouldn't have said that if he was not truly sorry and you were not able to forgive.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

hey Sharliz

I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair

Maybe i should have said "adultery" Sharliz, rather than " affair". Either way betrayed spouses handle them differently.

In my own case I was recovered from the "emotional" part of my wife''s affair but still struggle with the physical betrayal. I now other betrayed spouses who almost dismissed the physical betrayal and the EA is what threatens to end their marriage.

What's important is about how you really feel about your husbands behaviour.

I believe I am worth my wife not betraying me with other men while she is married to me and that is a personal boundary of mine. My dignity will not permit me to allow any more infidelity.

How about you, sharliz ?

Its important for you to work out what you will accept and still remain in themarriage efore you decide what to do.

all blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob and Raymond

Thanks for your replies. I don't think I can ever forgive what he has done to me, all I can do is say that that relationship is over and if we have a future it will be a new relationship, an honest and open one with both of us knowing what is acceptable to each other. I don't know how long it will take for me to really take the 'wall' down, only time will tell. Thank you both for your support.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If you can never forgive Sharliz the wall will never be completely down. He did wrong. No doubt about that. Upon revelation of that your trust has been broken. However you have described his repentance and remorse over this and his realisation of how wrong it was. If you cannot now forgive him and forget where is the future with him? I know it is difficult but if you do not even try the process of forgiveness you can only go so far in your relationship and marriage. The immediate problem though is for your trust to be rebuilt and that is up to him. Maybe the two will come together in time the trust and the forgiveness.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

Sharliz, around sixty percent of marriages encounter adultery in one form or another.

MORE THAN HALF.

Recovery is possible - I KNOW this - but its a long hard road.

Forgiving your H without him committing to repent of his adultery can be a "carry on without consequence " card for some unfaithful spouses.

Your H needs to take extraordinary precautions against having further adultery.

Is he prepared to do this ?

All blessings

[1aokgal]

Lola...


Break your post into paragraphs. It is too difficult to read a long letter without breaks in it.

He is using the porn to distance himself from the marriage and actively seeking another either in fantasy or actually. If it was me in your place..I wouldn't touch that guy intimately with a ten foot pole. I think he is cheating or has cheated and I would have no unprotected sex with him under any condition.

Sounds to me as if he is not going to have sex in the marriage and is looking for in fantasy or actual. If he is not willing to enter in some counselling with you I think it is all over but the papers. These men who travel have all the opportunity and are around very attractive and interesting women. The more you nag and accuse the more it pushes him out the door.

[Raymond]

I agree with 1okgal. Even porn on it's own is a mental adultery and will seriously affect the sex life, being a diversion of the sex drive.

There is no proof of the physical betrayal but the porn and dating sites are evidence of a wandering mind.

Faithfulness is needed here Lola. Until he cuts off these wrong outlets you can never have the full sexual oneness that you should have in marriage. You can get him to sleep with you but he will not fully be there with this porn etc. going on. How much worse it is we don't know but what you have revealed is bad enough. There is a lot of work to do here but sexual faithfulness is the key.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Poor Lola, how horrible for you to find his porn and dating profiles. No wonder you don't even know how you feel right now ...

I'm very pleased for you, that you're going to counselling. I hope you will use your sessions to identify your issues, one by one, and filter your story out in a way that makes it feel less complicated.

There's a lot of unresolved anger, and self-doubt, in your post that has been festering away in you since the beginning of your marriage. That marriage has had a hard time, with your parenting problems following your stillbirth. I am so sorry about that - it's one of the worst losses to endure.

Your husband is in a high-risk occupation, marriage wise, and has plenty of opportunities to cheat as you say. In some ways this makes it seem odd that he's posting to sex encounter websites: surely he'd be able to arrange his own encounters quite easily, with less hassle, while working?

I understand that you want to know where your marriage is headed, what's wrong and how you can fix it. The porn & sex sites could almost make it seem as if he isn't cheating (at least not at work) - or why would he bother?

Please take a deep breath. Your husband is behaving exactly like a sex addict. Everything, including his awkwardness with emotional issues at home, fits the pattern. Sex addiction sounds like a joke but is a real psychological/behavioural illness that indicates desperate unhappiness in the addict (and, of course, their partners).

Now, I'm not suggesting I can diagnose a complete stranger! I may be well out of order. You might like to take a look at this short article (http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/sex_and_sexual_health/probs_sexaddiction.shtml) from the BBC.

Whether or not your husband seems to have this problem, there's clearly a deep-seated dysfunction within your marriage. Talking this through with your counsellor (and maybe looking at a few self-help books) can only help you clarify your thoughts.

Good luck and all good wishes,
AG

[sharliz]

Hi Lola
I know exactly how you are feeling, being married to a pilot myself, all the things you have said I can relate to although I have not had exactly the same experiences. Things will only improve if you can find a way to really talk to him, and I mean REALLY talk. This is very difficult to do as pilots are very arrogant and self centred.

They live in a bubble that is not reality as we know it but it helps to understand this fact. Somehow you have to burst this bubble and show him how damaging it is to your relationship and that if he concentrated ALL his attentions to your relationship how wonderful it could be. It takes a lot of time and patience to get through but if there is going to be a future for you both it will be worth it. I would love to be able to speak to you but don't know how through this web site, I could tell you so much about this.

Hope this helps in some way

Much love
Sharliz

[Raymond]

How is it going with you know Sharliz? You seem to have acquired a lot of wisdom. Maybe you can give Lola your e mail if she comes on again?

Raymond

[Mocamps]

Hi,

Please see my new post entitled 'First infidelity, now porn' relating to my husband who is also a pilot. What is it with these pilots?!!!

[Raymond]

Hi Lola. I've just seen your post. Thought this thread was dead. Apologies.

I'm glad you seem to have found some kind of answer. Looking forward to hearing about it.

Raymond

[Johnee S]

Unregistered Guest: One thing is if you will it internally (your actions of paranoia) transforms eventually into reality (Laws of Attraction). I know it sounds hokey but thats one opinion of many. if you continue to dwell on this you're going to manifest it to happen again and again and again making your marriage spiral downhill, by reliving it repeatedly you're going to kill your relationship to the point of never trusting another woman period.

As hard as it is you need to take your inner power and face it head on, duke it out mentally and destroy it as it's clearly destroying you and your wife. If you have truly forgiven your Wife (as I have mine) then let it go, stop clinging to the hurt and pain otherwise that will be all you get from your life in return going forward.

Search deep inside yourself and honestly go to your bathroom mirror and look at yourself and say the following things:

Say out loud "Have I truly and honestly forgiven my Wife for the affair?" - answer honestly out loud with conviction in your reply.

next,

"Can I love myself for forgiving her?" This is a critical question, why? because you need to affirm your forgiving your Wife and allow yourself to forgive yourself for doing so if you cannot forgive yourself how can you possibly forgive her right?

"What do I need to do to get over this?" By this question you are saying to yourself you know you have a problem with it, how can I fix it for me?

"Is she still the same woman I fell in love with deep down inside or is she changed in my mind?" Coming to terms with change in our lives lets us know we have to adapt to change.

"Does she truly love me do I truly love her?" Possibly the most important question, be honest about it.

When you are ready talk with her and if you really want to make this marriage better and hapily ever after, let go of the fear and ego. Change your thought process and make a change inside yourself to replace the fear of being hurt by such an act.

I know it sounds crazy but believe me when I tell you, you have conditioned your nervous system response into defensive mode regarding your wife's affair. A very natural reaction, the nervous system acts as a storage place for the emotional responses to events that happen through out your existence. Call it the flight or fight response system. The chemical signatures and sensations your body expierences from emotions create tiny pulses that become neoron threads; over time repeated stimulation of the same or similar emotions to the same feelings and thoughts thicken the neuron thread into a thick trunk.

You need to cut this at the root and change the emotional content and nervous sysem response. BTW thank Tony Robbins for this little lesson.

By understanding the emtional trauma you experienced while continually dwelling on it has made it into a habitual defense pattern, you have to change this in order to truly overcome it and spend the rest of your lives together happily ever after; if you cannot then the marriage will fall.

[Raymond]

Every pilot cannot be like that Lola, although we are getting a lot on here with the affair and porn problem.

You say he is keeping straight now, no affairs, so why no sex? As you know the physical is important. Are you sure he is keeping pure? what about the computer? Is there porn going on? If there was, that would explain everything to me. I find the purer I keep the more I desire my wife physically. Cut off the streams going to the wrong places and it leads to your own wife. I feel that is still the problem here. Do you agree or is it something else?

Raymond

[Raymond]

You musn't lose hope Lola. I mean in life itself. You have marriage problems without a doubt. Hope is so important and will protect your mind.

It looks much like the leopard has not changed his spots or at least is slipping a bit. Will get back to you shortly as have to go out for most of the day. For someone who is struggling with unfaithfulness he doesn't exactly create the right scenarios to stay faithful.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Back again for a short time.

It seems to me perhaps Lola that he is behaving at home but you have suspicions when he is away. If there is really any resolve within him the parties will not help as they give opportunities for immoral behaviour.

Not sleeping with you does show something is amiss. Even porn on it's own would have that affect which I assume you have read about on here. It's nice that you have someone who will keep you informed.

The anger thing can affect coming together. I find that when my wife is angry or I am. I know that we have to move past it and relate properly so that the barriers are gone and the physical happens more naturally. We never go to sleep in that state so we are careful that nothing comes between us for long. Let not the sun go down on your wrath as the scripture says?

I sense you are right. It is more than that between you. Just the anger I mean. Theres no smoke without fire. You sense something is going on but do not have the bones of it. Usually a woman's instinct is quite accurate with regard to relationships.

I was watching a thing about astronauts wives last night. The astronauts were all pilots before that. Apart from Neil Armstong nearly all the heads of the men were turned when they achieved star status and they then became unfaithful. One of the wives wrote a song about it.

I don't know whats going on here Lola. Time will surely tell, but adultery and mental adultery (porn) does surely affect the heart of a marriage, the most intimate part of it. People can carry on still but the fire is robbed.

I feel you need to get strong as a person in your own right Lola, whatever is going on. Hope for the best but be ready for the worst as we often say on here. Can you find that inner strength regardless of the circustances? I think you will need it whatever happens.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi Lola I take it you are talking about sexual intitiating from you but you fear rejection? I can understand that considering his past and being linked to other women maybe through the airline or even porn. If my wife initiated I would always respond but as it is I do initiating 100%. That just how it is. Everone is different.

You musn't blame yourself as it doesn't mean it is anything to do with you. Some men are just unfaithful, wrongly so. They have a lust for other women or some get addicted to porn and then cannot function sexually in the proper way. We can all have a lust for other women if we are not careful, but there are stronger principles and honour that believe that the most important person is our wives. If we fail in this we have fallen but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with our wives. Granted a sexually accommodating wife makes things far easier but it would still be wrong if it happens.

When your husband said that looking back he would not have got married I think this betrays a philandering type of attitude he has which does not necessarily reflect on you.

I hope this will change but I don't see any sign of it in your writings. It seems he is living his own life and just staying for the children from what you have said. Because of his travelling it is very difficult for you to know what is going on. You said he is behaving himself but why so cold at home? Does he even want a good marriage? If he does he is going the wrong way about it.

I would not let him destroy you Lola. You need to make your own life within all this. You are the mother of the children and that is an important roll in itself. The older they get the more they will understand what is going on if they don't already. Is there no sex at all? Sorry to ask that just trying to get the picture better.

You certainly have to make a better life for yourself it seems. If he is not going to be a loving husband and is not responding to you it gives you a certain amount of freedom to make a better life does it not? What is it that you want do you think, having accepted the fact of how things are in the marriage and if things are not going to change?

Raymond

[Pilot's wife]

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[Raymond]

This is very difficult pilots wife. Presumably you found out from other sources and it wasn't him who originally told you. I can understand your lack of trust in those circumstances. Five and a half years is a long time to be doing adultery.

I think you have to work out whether you have his repentance or his remorse that he got caught. If it is repentance he will be very sorry and will want to stay pure and regain your trust. Only you will know that. Forgiving someone who is still going to carry on isn't worth much. I don't think the profession helps from what I have read on here but that doesn't excuse it as it is still wrong.

Repentance means changing your mind and changing your lifestyle. If you have that, forgiveness will be the thing that you must do. If you are not sure yet where he really stands it is very difficult for you, but if the marriage is to be a proper marriage you need his faithfulness to you only.

I would see how this marriage counseling goes. This is quite serious and you musn't lose your way on it by being fobbed of by someone that it doesn't matter. It does matter and it is very important to the intimacy of your marriage that it is on the right lines. One of the dangers is financial in that you may need his financial support and be tempted to compromise. If that happens you may be well off but you will not have a proper marriage. Hopefully that will not be the case.

Raymond

[Pilot's wife]

Raymond,

You are right. I have to decide whether or not I believe that he is going to change. It is hard to imagine that someone who did something for so long can make the changes that are necessary to be a good husband and a good man. It was not the circumstances that led to his infidelity, but his character.

He says that he is ready to change his ways and that he was immature and probably not ready to get married. I was really played for a fool for years. I don't want my children to grow up without the security and comfort of having both parents under the same roof, but I also don't want to put my physical and emotional health at risk.

I have a lot to consider and of course now that everything has come to light he has reached and epiphany that has led to him being a better person.

The road ahead seems endless.

[Raymond]

Yes it is hard to believe that someone who was unfaithful for so long can make the changes PW. However it is not impossible. I would rather have seen a voluntary confession than a situation where he was exposed, but repentance can happen from that. It is not impossible and therefore you have to get it right.

The main thing is trust isn't it. That has been broken. The million dollar question is will he now be faithful only to you or not? I don't have the answer to that and you're the only person who can know that. It is up to him really to regain your trust. My feeling is that now your antenna is up you will get a sense of whether he has truly repented and intends to be truly faithful, but you don't want to get paranoic about it. You don't want to be his judge. You just want him to be faithful which is your right as a wife as you have given your life to him.

Really you just have his word and as his wife you will know whether that can be relied on or not. He has given the story that he was too young for marriage as if it was okay for a young person to sleep around. I really hope he will now be mature and pure. Time will tell but if that turns out not to be the case you have to make your decisions then.

I would try and live a normal life and be patient. Life has a way of throwing up things that one is trying to hide. Now your antenna is up you will know without creating an obsession out of it. If you are checking up with him with your friends on the airline I would try and be laid back about it if you can. It won't help you to be paranoic. You just want to know the facts. Once you can trust him it will not be a problem.

Raymond

[Pilot's wife]

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[Raymond]

Whatever your faults Lola, and we all have them, the biggest sin is his unfaithfulness. That is the thing that cuts right to the heart of marriage. It's not a marriage with that going on. Now there seems to be control coming from him and even punishment which is very insidious.


If you have hope that it will get better that cannot be a bad thing but you have umpteen grounds for divorce if you ever needed it. There is no respect there for his marriage if he is looking for sex elsewhere.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi Lola. I didn't notice you slip back on here.

It seems as if nothing has changed. You are still not really sure about him. He wants you to take his word that he is staying clean but you are grappling with his past history in your head.

I think you are right. It is up to him to regain your trust and prove to you that he is faithful. He knows that it bothers you which is perfectly understandable. If he is not bothering to do that then it doesn't seem as if he is valuing his marriage and you can't do it on your own.

I would make it perfectly clear to him how you feel and then don't check up on him. It will be up to him then to restore your trust and not for you to get paranoic all the time.

Raymond

[Raymond]

You musn't let yourself be broken in this Lola. It is obvious that your marriage is in trouble. I wouldn't bother even calling him names back. If you can make yourself a life within I would do it. I know you feel you can't leave because of financial restraints but you may be able to make a life for yourself until you felt you were able to leave perhaps? Unless you were able to trust him I cannot see an end to this and you need to live your life. How old are your children? If you are a praying woman pray as well. You need wisdom in your situation. Make a life for yourself and try and build the confidence that has been eroded through unfaithfulness.

I will pray perchance I might get a word of wisdom from God.

Raymond

[Raymond]

I prayed last night for you Lola just before I went to bed.

I seemed to get the colour purple realating to your childhood. Does that mean anything to you? Was your school uniform purple at school? It may be nothing but I do get things sometimes.

Raymond

[Pilot's Wife]

Okay. Now I am truly devastated. Just when you think it can’t get any worse it does. My husband and I started going to a marriage counselor in an attempt to piece our marriage back together. He said repeatedly that he felt so good because he had purged himself of all of the deceit and wanted to move forward. He said that all of his indiscretions were out in the open and he was ready to heal.

My instinct told me not to trust him. So after a few months of “it all being out in the open” he dropped another bomb on me. I kept insisting that my gut feeling was that he was not being totally honest and that there was more to tell.

It turns out that I was right.
We have been married for almost nine years and together for almost fifteen. He just confessed that he has been cheating on me for approximately twelve years with a lot of women- all one night stands. I am appalled and disgusted.

There is something broken inside of him and I don’t know how to process this new information. My reality for nearly half of my life was a false one. Nothing that I believed about him is true.

[Raymond]

As bad as it is PA he appears to be repenting and revealing all. He or you cannot change the facts of the past. Confession is cleansing. I think it is a very positive thing he is doing that he is being so open and honest and wanting to change. I know it is wounding to you for the truth to be revealed but would you rather it wasn't? It is a chance now for him to be pure and for you to rebuild your marriage. When things are out in the open healing can come.

I see a man who is wanting to get right and needs your forgiveness. At the moment you have been knocked sideways by the revelations but he does need your forgiveness if the marriage is to be saved. I would forgive and forget if you can and put it all behind you. He needn't have told you. There is a chance now for a more happy marriage to emerge based on truth and not deception. You are in a priveleged postion now if you could just but see it. From what I'm reading very few philadering pilots get to that place of repentance and of wanting to put everything right.

Raymond

[Pilot's Wife]

Raymond,

I know that I must forgive him even if we do not stay married, but it is so hard to do. I look at him now and I feel as if he is a stranger. How could someone love you and abuse your trust and put your health at risk?

For me sex and love are synonymous. Obviously, I know that men do not always see things that way, but there is something truly dysfunctional about a person who can have repeated one night stands for years. It comes down to a question of character for me.

He has proven to not be the man that I thought he was, but he claims that he is now ready to be. He says that he wants nothing more than to be a good husband and father. I just can't decide what to believe.

I never thought that I would be the type of woman who would ever consider staying with a man who cheated on me. If we didn't have kids there would be no doubt that I would leave him.

[Raymond]

I don't know why Christ could ever forgive me PW but he did. You have the essential thing in your hands which is the way back. It is the only thing I know of that can truly mend a marriage from adultery and that is his repentance. Without that it would be impossible to mend a marriage. Not many husbands have that in truth. You seem to have.

Yes he was wrong to carry on like that all these years. It was really despicable but he seems to have come to a place where he recognises that and has come clean. Nobody is underestimating the damage that has been done to you or making light of what happened. Yes sex should always be part of relationship and that only within marriage.

You have a chance to help another human being here, your husband. Supposing you reject him now and file for divorce. What will that do to him after his repentance and wanting to come clean and lead a faithful life? Do you want revenge? Have you ever got it wrong and needed forgiveness? We all have, though maybe not on the level of what has happened here.

Quite clearly there is no way forward without your forgiveness. I bet Lola would give anything for her husband to get to that stage. You are free not to forgive of course and go for divorce. If you are going to forgive however do it properly and for goodness sake don't live in this halfway house not doing one thing or the other. That would just be wasting life.

If you are going to forgive you need also to forget and finish the playback. Are you up to that? Everytime you think about the misdemeanours to switch to something else in your mind? It can be done with true forgiveness and love. Forgiveness also means wiping the slate clean. Cancelling the debt.

I know you have a lot to think about PW on this subject. If you are ready to forgive it will be a process. Although it will start with a simple decision on your part it will need to be kept on track and not taken back again when you are annoyed with something else perhaps. That will be a process.

Obviously you have a decision to make PW and I pray you do the right thing.

Raymond

[Raymond]

You are thinking very clearly at the moment Lola. That is apparent in your writings. There are levels of trust and if you cannot get all the way just now you can go as far as you can. It is an important part of a marriage as you know but you cannot go further than what is merited. The danger is always in clamming up and not letting anyone into your life which makes one's life a non life so a certain amount of risk is part of the course if we don't want to stop living.

Funny how I got the colour purple when I prayed. I think it is a small sign that God knows your situation but He will not force anything.

I really hope the counseling goes well together and that he will be more forthcoming.

Raymond

[lgardner1]

Lola,

I have read all your posts and I just wanted to say "Hello". I have been with a Delta pilot for the past 8 years and I feel your pain. Many of your feelings are exactly the same things that have happened to me. I cannot tell you how many times I have fought to save our marriage. I have finally accepted the fact that Pilots are cheaters and there is nothing or noone that can stop them from that type of life style. I have never caught him cheating, but there are many unexplained events that I have come across in the past 8 years, just like you. It has made me very sad and has broken my heart, but I finally decided to go on with my life. I have been working out and now am the same size I was when I was 20 years old! Stress has made me lose a lot of weight! I died my hair blonde and have been having fun going out. My husband on the other hand is a 50 year old pilot that smokes and drinks and is about 40 pounds overweight. I guess that is my way of getting him back. Screw him! I have cried and worried about him on every overseas trip and I am just tired and worn out. I will not let him hurt me any more and have emotionally "moved on". As of one month ago, he is the one that needs to keep an eye on me. I have not cheated on him, but I
am starting to meet other friends to hang out with. I hope all is well with you, and I hope to see a post from you really soon.

Take care and get him back! The best thing you could do is to work out, be HAPPY, and make new friends! It will drive him crazy! My husband is on a trip in China. He has e-mailed me twice and I didn't even respond. I want him to know how it feels.
Lisa

[teresap989]

They live in a bubble that is not reality as we know it but it helps to understand this fact. Somehow you have to burst this bubble and show him how damaging it is to your relationship and that if he concentrated ALL his attentions to your relationship how wonderful it could be. It takes a lot of time and patience to get through but if there is going to be a future for you both it will be worth it. I would love to be able to speak to you but don't know how through this web site, I could tell you so much about this.

[chosen]

Why do ladies stay with a man who keeps on cheating?I just dont get it.
I do actually know a pilot, and he goes to my church. He is a godly man who doesnt cheat, so not all pilots are the same, but it is sad to hear that so many are cheaters(and air hostesses also).