Affair with pilot

[Unregistered]

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 and and have a four year old son. She flies for an airline and has recently had an affair with a pilot, which I suspected and confirmed a month ago. She met him on a flight 5 months ago when we were having a difficult time together and slept with him then. She then didn't see him again until they bumped into each other in a hotel abroad and arranged to fly together once more as he was soon to be leaving the company. This they did two months ago, again sleeping together, she then finished it with him when they arrived home. I had suspected something for months, becoming more and more paranoid, checking her mobile texts and bills as it seemed every time I came in a room she quickly put her phone away. Ironically she claims it was this checking and controlling and distrust that drove her to do what she did, but the same thing had happened to my brother and his wife the year before and I was terrified the same thing was going to happen to us!! When I confronted her she of course denied everything, but when pressured everything came out. She is sorry for what happened and never meant to hurt me but that I had driven her to it. We have had a month of talking through our problems and are both trying hard to sort things out. I have forgiven her for the affair, but am still having trouble coming to terms with it and whenever she asks me what I am thinking and I tell her she says we are back to square one and that I've got to forget about it to move on. I simply can't help imagining them together and I think about it all the time. It is getting easier everyday and I no longer feel sick when I think of it, just sad and empty. I am now worried that I am trying too hard and that I might drive her away by wanting to be as close as possible. I feel that I could do everything she wants of me and then she will still be unhappy and do it again or leave me. I have surprised myself at how I have reacted, I thought I would be angrier and want to confront the other man, but I am more upset than anything else. I now have to trust that when she flies she will be faithful to me, this I am trying to do but it is hard to trust her after what she has done. I have since found out that she has had other "flirtations" with other pilots but that they went no further, to be honest I feel she probably has had other one night stands on trips, but I don't even feel that it would be any worse if she had or not. I know our problems have stemmed from lack of communication, this is something we are working on and things are better for it.
Should I try to put everything behind us and never mention it again to make things better or will bottling it up be worse in the long run? Should I be quiet to keep the peace and will it get easier with time or will I always be thinking about it and be expecting it to happen again? I just don't know. Help!!

[Liz]

You are experiencing what many people experience after infidelity. The bond of trust has been broken and you have discovered that things weren't going as well as you thought. It is going to take time to work through this.

Have you had a look at the area of the site on Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/)? There are articles there that may help you understand what is going on and how you can begin to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). It seems to be typical that the one who has been unfaithful wants to move on and put things behind them and the one who has been hurt finds that hard to do. There is no easy formula as you are finding, just a lot of hard work, patience and loving choices to make.

It's good that you have identified that communication needs to be improved. One way to help with that is to consider some marriage enrichment. There is information here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Best wishes

Liz

[Fletch]

I have many people in my family who are pilots, military and civilian and all of them will tell you that their career holds many opportunities for immoral behavior. Pilots ranks with some of the very highest divorce rates, mostly due to the overnights away from town.

You've said you have forgiven her. Part of forgiveness is forgetting the person's transgression. So in truth, you have not completely forgiven her.

Although it may take years to fully forgive someone, you must allow yourself the time you need to get over it. Part of this might come from her proving herself as someone who can be trusted. She cannot expect you to simply wipe it clean if she is continuing to flirt with others. On the other hand, if she is truly repentant, you have no choice but to fully forgive her and give yourselves a fresh start.

If her flirting continues, it will only be a matter of time before she slips back into the same pattern as before. The best rule for not getting burned is to simply not play with fire. Don't respond to the flirtations. Don't go to lunch together without others. Don't be alone with another person of the opposite sex; not only does it just plain look bad, its playing with fire.

[Sierra]

Well, you guys know where I stand. If this is what you want to live with then I hope you get it.

D

[Kate]

Dear Catlover

Thank you for your honesty in sharing the difficulties in your life. Please ignore Sierra, he likes to tell people how stupid they have been, but some of us here recognise that what you need when you are down is some understanding to enable you to make wise decisions for the future.

Your marriage is a partnership and if it is to continue, your husband will need to do whatever is necessary to reassure you that he is now going to be faithful. I hope he can see that and support you.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Kate

[Sierra]

I do not like to tell people that they are stupid. What I do tell people is that once a person has revealed themselves to be a betrayer it is stupid to think they will not do it again.

Frankly I think you should get rid of this woman. She is a cheat, a liar and clearly will decide critical issues against you if it suits her fancy.

I suggest you have an affair of your own.

D

[Mems]

I don't think it's right for anyone to suggest having an affair. You still have to live with yourself and we must try our best to uphold good character especially because people are watching. Our children are watching how we deal with difficult situations, young or old. I am truly sorry for the hurt that is cause by infidelity. I think when another causes us to feel such pain that leads to so many other negative feelings, such as mistrust, insecurity, paranoia, etc......, we must dig deep inside ourselves and find more love for ourselves than our partner. I know many people that put up with the other's crap and say "But I love them". They love them more than themselves. They allow themselves to get hurt over and over and over again. We must express some serious "self caring". I had decided long ago that if I can not be in a healthy relationship, both respecting one another, than I will be alone. I was happy not being in a relationship. I like myself, I am fun to hang out with. Hey, I even make myself laugh many times over. And I think I'd even marry me if I wasn't me. I can go anywhere I want to and stay as long as I want to. And no one is hurting me. What I am saying is that there are many pros not being in a relationship. Sometimes it gets lonely, but that does pass. Kinda like when you quit smoking, you get the urge wheather your smoking or not. If you chose not to pick up that cig., the urge will subside.

I certainly wish you the best and I will add both you and your family to my prayer list.

Mems

[catlover]

I want some feedback about my situation with my unfaithful pilot husband. I have located the flight attendant he had the affair with, and I want to contact her and get her version of what happened--how many times they had sex, what led up to it, what her husband thought about it, etc. etc. My husband has lied to me so many times about his affair that I really can't believe anything he says. What do you think? Should I contact her? I feel that talking to her will bring me some closure. I'm sure he would freak out if he knew I wanted to contact her.

[Sierra]

F78fs0 <a href="http://ywwnpigeknow.com/">ywwnpigeknow</a>, ohofqcdmcemb (http://ohofqcdmcemb.com/), fsqhszuouwos, http://cgfqwkfbqlmy.com/

[catlover]

I need for the flight attendant to answer some questions. I have my husband's version of the affair which he says was a "one night stand" (and the only time he has ever been unfaithful to me, according to him) but he has proven himself to be a liar; so I guess I just want to talk to her and get her version.

[poppy]

You mean the 'affair' he had 13 years ago?? Or am I confused here? If she was so promiscuous, there's a good chance she won't even remember which one your H was. Why would you want to humiliate yourself by getting in touch with someone in these circumstances? Just how sad does that you make you look, (to her)? The only person who can give you closure on this is your H. Have your thought of counselling together? You need to do something as this seems to have become an obsession, a powerful and destructive force in your life. Do something to change that. Then perhaps you can move on, or indeed, out. There seems no trust in your marriage at all.

[sharliz]

Dear Catlover

I see that this was written a few years ago. Just wondering how it all worked out for you as I am in exactly the same position now, the same thing has happened to me. I have been feeling the same way you did, even down to thinking about contacting the other woman. Were you able to work it out? What advice can you give me?

[Bob Pure]

Hi Sharliz

I've been on the wrong end of an affair and got through it. Can I help at all ?

All blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob
Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair as that implies that feelings were involved. He had a one night stand with a woman he picked up in a bar in peru. Then he slept with the same woman twice with 11 months in between and no contact apart from that. The problem is that he was prepared to risk our happy marriage for so little. This happened early on in our 30 year marriage so it meant he was keeping secrets from me for all that time (and lying). I have since discovered that he was basically living 2 lives, as a loving husband and father at home and a single man when at work (he's a pilot). I never took my marriage for granted, always knowing that you had to work at it. The thing I am having difficulty with now is that I know I am a self blamer, if anything goes wrong I always try to blame myself or look for what I could have done to cause this, but in this case I cannot find anything to blame myself for, I cannot find a reason, in some ways it would help if I could. I have made him look at himself, probably for the first time ever, he always excused himself for his behaviour, thinking that as long as I didn't know about what he got up to at work then it could never hurt me. The arrogance of the man!! He deceived us all, me, our children, my family, his family, we were all in complete shock. Our 3 daughters will not speak to him now, although I have tried to say that he still loves them and always will and that what he did was to me and not them, but they say that he didn't think of them either and how his behaviour would affect them. Sorry I am going on a bit now, I just wanted to hear another persons view on how to deal with somthing like this and how they managed to get through it, because despite everything I still love him, after this length of time it is hard to stop loving and if there is a way to get through it I want to try.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

Is he sorry about this Sharliz or just sorry that it is out in the open? A lot will depend on that answer. It was adultery but there is a certain tradition in the forces etc. pilots included, that they can play around when far away. This doesn't justify it by any means as it was wrong. As I said it depends on what his attitude is now.

Ray

[sharliz]

Hi Raymond

To answer your question, he is devestated, he never looked at the consequences of his actions, he has now seen them and all the pain it has caused, not just to me but to everyone. I do believe he is truly sorry and he says that if he could have his time again he would never have done it. I discovered that he had almost no emotional intelligence, my mistake to think he was intelligent in all ways. It was like explaining something to a child. Even though I know all this, the sense of betrayal is huge and the pain is almost unbearable. Some help on what the best way of sorting this out would be greatly appreciated.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If he is sincere as you say he is then it can be sorted. You are wounded and need to be healed, which will happen in time. He is suffering as well from shame and realisation about what he has done.

What is left is your forgiveness. That is key to the healing of the situation. The rest is time and a determination to work on your relationship. I see hope here in you both putting this behind you. I wouldn't have said that if he was not truly sorry and you were not able to forgive.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

hey Sharliz

I wouldn't exactly say my husband had an affair

Maybe i should have said "adultery" Sharliz, rather than " affair". Either way betrayed spouses handle them differently.

In my own case I was recovered from the "emotional" part of my wife''s affair but still struggle with the physical betrayal. I now other betrayed spouses who almost dismissed the physical betrayal and the EA is what threatens to end their marriage.

What's important is about how you really feel about your husbands behaviour.

I believe I am worth my wife not betraying me with other men while she is married to me and that is a personal boundary of mine. My dignity will not permit me to allow any more infidelity.

How about you, sharliz ?

Its important for you to work out what you will accept and still remain in themarriage efore you decide what to do.

all blessings

[sharliz]

Hi Bob and Raymond

Thanks for your replies. I don't think I can ever forgive what he has done to me, all I can do is say that that relationship is over and if we have a future it will be a new relationship, an honest and open one with both of us knowing what is acceptable to each other. I don't know how long it will take for me to really take the 'wall' down, only time will tell. Thank you both for your support.

Sharliz

[Raymond]

If you can never forgive Sharliz the wall will never be completely down. He did wrong. No doubt about that. Upon revelation of that your trust has been broken. However you have described his repentance and remorse over this and his realisation of how wrong it was. If you cannot now forgive him and forget where is the future with him? I know it is difficult but if you do not even try the process of forgiveness you can only go so far in your relationship and marriage. The immediate problem though is for your trust to be rebuilt and that is up to him. Maybe the two will come together in time the trust and the forgiveness.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

Sharliz, around sixty percent of marriages encounter adultery in one form or another.

MORE THAN HALF.

Recovery is possible - I KNOW this - but its a long hard road.

Forgiving your H without him committing to repent of his adultery can be a "carry on without consequence " card for some unfaithful spouses.

Your H needs to take extraordinary precautions against having further adultery.

Is he prepared to do this ?

All blessings

[Lola]

Hi. I hope someone maybe responds to me as I see the last thread was a few months ago. Please no one respond if you have sarcasim, I am truly needing support and am trying hard to get it from every angle possible including counseling. I want to try and make it short, but it is hard since there a lots of details. Been married for over 20 years, 4 kids. Husband used to be military pilot, but is now commericial airline pilot for past 10 years. Early in our marriage, he was extremely unattentive to me for over a year when we moved out of state due to military and I begged for attention for over a year, and he just acted like I wasn't there as he was so depressed about his job at the time. I was without friends or family and with the baby, and I was basically neglected. I cried out to him for everything, but was ignored emotionally. No, it is not an excuse, (this was almost 20 years ago), but after a year of this, I asked for separation as I was attracted to someone at work. We separated and I dated this other man while we were separated for 10 months, but saw the man for 7 months of the 10. My husband and I reconciled with him saying he forgave me and wanted to get back together. The next few years (for about 6 years), we had more children, including a full term stillborn. That was hard, but we grieved through it together. Little did we know, later on our oldest had delayed grief reaction to this (3 years later), and he became very defiant and hard for me to deal with while Dad traveled. My husband and I did not agree on the dicipline and our problems grew with our son, both of us making huge parenting mistakes. OUr sex life was good, when it happened, but not frequent and we fought alot between his airline trips. Lots of stress built over the years and things just got worse and worse. With me hardly having intimacy (yes I asked for it and he ignored me), and this going on for many years, I coulnd't help but start to accuse him of affairs or one night stands telling him that if he wasn't with me, then he must be getting it somewhere. I know that was wrong, but then again they say a big sign is when the man or woman stops sleeping with you, plus he was always traveling in hotels with flight attendants etc... I was feeling very hurt and afraid. Well, the past 4 years have been the same stuff, but just worse. Last year as our oldest went off to college and I was glad he was out, I prayed he and I could work on our marriage. Just as I was hoping for that, I discovered emails of him watching porn etc while gone and also he had set up 4 sex dating site profiles looking for women. All this was discovered one by one over a 3 month or so period with him first denying it all, then admitting it all and saying he did it out of anger because of my accusations. I somewhat understood that, but what hurt so bad is two things: First, when just the porn was discovered, I asked him if there was more to it, like chatting, sites etc...or meeting anyone. He said no for weeks, and I was starting to be able to move on, but then I found the profiles, and asked if it was just the one, and he said yes, only to find out more lies that there were 3 more. Basically what I am saying is that the lies is more scary than worrying about the sites alone and his reason. If he lied so much, I am now living for months with the thought that he indeed did physically cheat as to which to this day he still swears he did not. I am trying to get him to understand that I can't trust because of the lies throughout the process and that I just want the whole truth to be able to forgive and move on. Why is it that so many people I talk to don't understand what I am asking for?
Also, we are now at a point where he want to "take it slow" with the intimacy. I understand, but don't agree. I was the one hurt, now he wants less intimacy? He says he needs to be able for us to get past all the anger I have etc...so we can reconnect. But I tell him that less intimacy does anger me and that if we don't keep intimacy I fear he will cheat or find someone not angry and find them more attractive. I have low self esteem since he did this to me and for him to not want to be with me right now just makes the cake. I have no way of knowing if he were to cheat in some hotel, especially internationally, and he knows that. I see on this site that there are some of you who found out, but how? Now after he was home for almost 3 weeks, and keeping his distance emotionally, he is gone for almost 2 and all I think of is him just wanting and getting it elsewhere since he surely isn't getting it from me no matter how much I tell him we need to. He tells me he loves me, that I am attractive physically, etc...but that his reasons are emotional. You would think it would be me saying I wanted the distance. I don't understand. I told him today that since I am struggling with weather he cheated or not since I don't what to believe, that I have to just choose that he did cheat and go from there. He was insulted of course, but for me to choose that he didn't would imply I think to him that his lies are ok and that if he indeed did, that he would know he got away with it. I chose the tougher road of course and wanted him to know that. Please anyone there, please help me. I love this man, our family, but I am depressed, hurting now for months and I just want it all resolved, I want the truth, to be able to move on.

[1aokgal]

Lola...


Break your post into paragraphs. It is too difficult to read a long letter without breaks in it.

He is using the porn to distance himself from the marriage and actively seeking another either in fantasy or actually. If it was me in your place..I wouldn't touch that guy intimately with a ten foot pole. I think he is cheating or has cheated and I would have no unprotected sex with him under any condition.

Sounds to me as if he is not going to have sex in the marriage and is looking for in fantasy or actual. If he is not willing to enter in some counselling with you I think it is all over but the papers. These men who travel have all the opportunity and are around very attractive and interesting women. The more you nag and accuse the more it pushes him out the door.

[Raymond]

I agree with 1okgal. Even porn on it's own is a mental adultery and will seriously affect the sex life, being a diversion of the sex drive.

There is no proof of the physical betrayal but the porn and dating sites are evidence of a wandering mind.

Faithfulness is needed here Lola. Until he cuts off these wrong outlets you can never have the full sexual oneness that you should have in marriage. You can get him to sleep with you but he will not fully be there with this porn etc. going on. How much worse it is we don't know but what you have revealed is bad enough. There is a lot of work to do here but sexual faithfulness is the key.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Poor Lola, how horrible for you to find his porn and dating profiles. No wonder you don't even know how you feel right now ...

I'm very pleased for you, that you're going to counselling. I hope you will use your sessions to identify your issues, one by one, and filter your story out in a way that makes it feel less complicated.

There's a lot of unresolved anger, and self-doubt, in your post that has been festering away in you since the beginning of your marriage. That marriage has had a hard time, with your parenting problems following your stillbirth. I am so sorry about that - it's one of the worst losses to endure.

Your husband is in a high-risk occupation, marriage wise, and has plenty of opportunities to cheat as you say. In some ways this makes it seem odd that he's posting to sex encounter websites: surely he'd be able to arrange his own encounters quite easily, with less hassle, while working?

I understand that you want to know where your marriage is headed, what's wrong and how you can fix it. The porn & sex sites could almost make it seem as if he isn't cheating (at least not at work) - or why would he bother?

Please take a deep breath. Your husband is behaving exactly like a sex addict. Everything, including his awkwardness with emotional issues at home, fits the pattern. Sex addiction sounds like a joke but is a real psychological/behavioural illness that indicates desperate unhappiness in the addict (and, of course, their partners).

Now, I'm not suggesting I can diagnose a complete stranger! I may be well out of order. You might like to take a look at this short article (http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/sex_and_sexual_health/probs_sexaddiction.shtml) from the BBC.

Whether or not your husband seems to have this problem, there's clearly a deep-seated dysfunction within your marriage. Talking this through with your counsellor (and maybe looking at a few self-help books) can only help you clarify your thoughts.

Good luck and all good wishes,
AG

[sharliz]

Hi Lola
I know exactly how you are feeling, being married to a pilot myself, all the things you have said I can relate to although I have not had exactly the same experiences. Things will only improve if you can find a way to really talk to him, and I mean REALLY talk. This is very difficult to do as pilots are very arrogant and self centred.

They live in a bubble that is not reality as we know it but it helps to understand this fact. Somehow you have to burst this bubble and show him how damaging it is to your relationship and that if he concentrated ALL his attentions to your relationship how wonderful it could be. It takes a lot of time and patience to get through but if there is going to be a future for you both it will be worth it. I would love to be able to speak to you but don't know how through this web site, I could tell you so much about this.

Hope this helps in some way

Much love
Sharliz

[Raymond]

How is it going with you know Sharliz? You seem to have acquired a lot of wisdom. Maybe you can give Lola your e mail if she comes on again?

Raymond

[Lola]

Hi Sharliz and Raymond:

Sharliz, I got your email about being friends, and I logged on but am having trouble finding out what to click on to add you as a friend. So, forigive while I figure this webiste out.

Things are GREATFULLY improving at home. Right now it is late, and Easter evening is ending...I am tired and had a couple glasses of wine..so I am not able to write a lot right now...(smiles). I am happy to see some of you really care to log on and see how I am the rest are doing in all this kind of mess we live in.
I am doing so much better and tomorrow or the next day while hubby is on a trip I will write more. Staying on the computer late right now is not the wise move and I must get to bed...(we agreed not to get on computers late at night)....tonight was doing last minute tax info...
so I will write more later. Lots to tell you and I will try to figure out out how to do the friend list. Anyway, I am hopeful for what is happening now as I have a lot of progress going on in the marriage right now and I am optimistic for us, very..the first time in years. BUT, we must all remember that no matter what happens for me as for example may not work for others as we are all different people even though our husbands are pilots (Sharliz and my husband). OK, check in soon, I have lots to wrtie..need a night of rest.
LOLA

[Mocamps]

Hi,

Please see my new post entitled 'First infidelity, now porn' relating to my husband who is also a pilot. What is it with these pilots?!!!

[Raymond]

Hi Lola. I've just seen your post. Thought this thread was dead. Apologies.

I'm glad you seem to have found some kind of answer. Looking forward to hearing about it.

Raymond

[Johnee S]

Unregistered Guest: One thing is if you will it internally (your actions of paranoia) transforms eventually into reality (Laws of Attraction). I know it sounds hokey but thats one opinion of many. if you continue to dwell on this you're going to manifest it to happen again and again and again making your marriage spiral downhill, by reliving it repeatedly you're going to kill your relationship to the point of never trusting another woman period.

As hard as it is you need to take your inner power and face it head on, duke it out mentally and destroy it as it's clearly destroying you and your wife. If you have truly forgiven your Wife (as I have mine) then let it go, stop clinging to the hurt and pain otherwise that will be all you get from your life in return going forward.

Search deep inside yourself and honestly go to your bathroom mirror and look at yourself and say the following things:

Say out loud "Have I truly and honestly forgiven my Wife for the affair?" - answer honestly out loud with conviction in your reply.

next,

"Can I love myself for forgiving her?" This is a critical question, why? because you need to affirm your forgiving your Wife and allow yourself to forgive yourself for doing so if you cannot forgive yourself how can you possibly forgive her right?

"What do I need to do to get over this?" By this question you are saying to yourself you know you have a problem with it, how can I fix it for me?

"Is she still the same woman I fell in love with deep down inside or is she changed in my mind?" Coming to terms with change in our lives lets us know we have to adapt to change.

"Does she truly love me do I truly love her?" Possibly the most important question, be honest about it.

When you are ready talk with her and if you really want to make this marriage better and hapily ever after, let go of the fear and ego. Change your thought process and make a change inside yourself to replace the fear of being hurt by such an act.

I know it sounds crazy but believe me when I tell you, you have conditioned your nervous system response into defensive mode regarding your wife's affair. A very natural reaction, the nervous system acts as a storage place for the emotional responses to events that happen through out your existence. Call it the flight or fight response system. The chemical signatures and sensations your body expierences from emotions create tiny pulses that become neoron threads; over time repeated stimulation of the same or similar emotions to the same feelings and thoughts thicken the neuron thread into a thick trunk.

You need to cut this at the root and change the emotional content and nervous sysem response. BTW thank Tony Robbins for this little lesson.

By understanding the emtional trauma you experienced while continually dwelling on it has made it into a habitual defense pattern, you have to change this in order to truly overcome it and spend the rest of your lives together happily ever after; if you cannot then the marriage will fall.

[Lola]

Hi Raymond:

You probably thought I fell off the face of the earth. Well, truthfully, I wish I had. I have been busy with kids etc...and at first with me and my hubby's reconcilation. Maybe it is good I didn't write sooner because things are south again.
I have no suspicions at all that he has done anything again (cheating) or anything, but after getting back together, he was wonderful and sweet to me for only about a month. So, this past month or so he has gone back to his disrespectful ways towards me and again our sex life is suffering. I still don't trust him even though I don't think he is doing anything. I don't think I will ever trust him. As long as he isn't putting forth effort, and trying to make it work, I can't trust him.
He keeps claiming he loves me, wants to be with me, yet he has no interest in making love with me or spending time with me. So, I am finally getting to a point lately where instead of fighting for the marriage, I am running out of steam or the want anymore for it.
I am quite depressed most of the time and my children suffer because of it.
Husband breaks all the rules and gets on his computer whenever he wants now again. Sorry to say, but some men as just purely stupid and act like little boys.
Anyway, I have never felt so numb toward him before. My feelings for him are diminishing in strange ways. Meaning I still love him, but I am constantly trying to figure out what would be the best way to leave him...how and when. I financially can't, so that is my biggest problem. To put in bluntly, I hate being married to a pilot and I wouldn't wish it on any good woman....it is such a curse to a marriage. I don't care what anyone says, I do not think most pilots are faithful and I think they use their career situations to cheat. They have crappy personalities that come out in the long run.
Anyway, I get the feeling you are probably not surprised to hear how things are for me right now. Personally, I am as he seemed so committed to loving me in the right way just two months ago. I should have known that leopards don't change their spots.

[Raymond]

Every pilot cannot be like that Lola, although we are getting a lot on here with the affair and porn problem.

You say he is keeping straight now, no affairs, so why no sex? As you know the physical is important. Are you sure he is keeping pure? what about the computer? Is there porn going on? If there was, that would explain everything to me. I find the purer I keep the more I desire my wife physically. Cut off the streams going to the wrong places and it leads to your own wife. I feel that is still the problem here. Do you agree or is it something else?

Raymond

[Lola]

Dear Raymond:
I am glad you are checking in on me because I don't feel that many people really care anymore about me or my life. I have begun to lose interest in life and feel very suicidal sometimes. What my husband is doing to me is making the pain so unbearable I am physically and mentally falling apart. Since I posted last, I have found out a couple of things more that have upset me.
Husband went on a trip last week with a 48 hour layover. We agreed he would do and not do certain things to help our marriage. One was not to drink too much, not give out his email to women, and call me and not stay out late or go to crew parties in hotel rooms. Well, just the other day, after his trip, and after he left for another trip, he got an email from an FA sending him photos of the crew's two day partying that went on the trip. The pics showed nothing compromising, but my husband always wears his wedding band. It was missing in every photo over the two day period while he partied.
I confronted him and he yelled at me saying he worked out and accidentally left it off at the room. I didn't buy it. I felt he was testing to see who was interested in him. Also, he was in another pilots room, having a party.
You ask about the no sex thing. Here is HIS take on it: (Which I think is a vicsious pile of baloney). We have children, and there have been times we argue about our older son and the decisons he makes etc...Bottom line: If we are having an argument about ANYTHING, and I am upset, sad or angry, my husband says "I run from that (the anger), and I am not attracted to you physically and I don't want sex with you."
I tell him that "OK, but that is when we have to find a way to make up, get close again to restore that intimacy, other wise the cycle continues....I stay mad or angry and resent you for not wanting me and then the fight never ends." He says, "I don't know what to tell you, but I am just that way and I can't deal with your anger."
Raymond, what am I to do? He gets angry too, it isn't just me. I am not having an argument all by myself. I feel he is punishing me with sex because I am angry about something.
Now, I have taken an extreme. I have contacted the FA who took the photos and she has agreed to find a way to keep an eye on him on some trips coming. I want to know if the wedding band is always missing etc...
I know I may not like what I hear, but I WIL KNOW THE TRUTH. Right now we aren't speaking and he is very mean to me.
I am supposed to go on a trip with him next week overseas to a romantic city for one night. It was planned before I found out these things (the pics), and he says: "You are welcome to come, but I will just be civil." I confirmed with him that what he meant was: I don't plan on making love to you. I was devastated. And the kicker here is that he says that even though he doesn't know if we will make it, he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce.
I am starting to think he doesn't want one just for the mere fact that it would be a financial devastation, and I would move away with the kids. It's about losing things, not losing me.
I spoke to this FA today. She was very nice and called me. She assured me that on the trip, he was a gentleman and very good etc...that he did nothing with anyone. I told her about the wedding band and she said she fully understood my fears and hurts. She told me a website to go to for finding out about free internet at his hotels. He has never told me about this site because all these years I have always said "Why don't you email me when gone?"
He always says that 90% of the places he stays make him pay for internet. I have always doubted it was that many places that didn't have it free. Sure enough I went to the site and half or more are free internet to him.
I such a fool. Right now I am scared to death for him to come home tomorrow as I just want to know he loves me truly, not just to save the mess in a divorce. Raymond, please help me.
I hardly eat, I hardly sleep and I am struggling to find the emotions to take care of my kids.
Please write soon, I am so devastated and lost.

[Lola]

Also Raymond:
I assume he does porn while gone. I don't know. Not at home he doesn't. But I am just assumiing he does when gone. I will never know for sure.
I do think he lies to me about all kinds of things. He always says "I don't want to be controlled." Should I leave this man?

[Raymond]

You musn't lose hope Lola. I mean in life itself. You have marriage problems without a doubt. Hope is so important and will protect your mind.

It looks much like the leopard has not changed his spots or at least is slipping a bit. Will get back to you shortly as have to go out for most of the day. For someone who is struggling with unfaithfulness he doesn't exactly create the right scenarios to stay faithful.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Back again for a short time.

It seems to me perhaps Lola that he is behaving at home but you have suspicions when he is away. If there is really any resolve within him the parties will not help as they give opportunities for immoral behaviour.

Not sleeping with you does show something is amiss. Even porn on it's own would have that affect which I assume you have read about on here. It's nice that you have someone who will keep you informed.

The anger thing can affect coming together. I find that when my wife is angry or I am. I know that we have to move past it and relate properly so that the barriers are gone and the physical happens more naturally. We never go to sleep in that state so we are careful that nothing comes between us for long. Let not the sun go down on your wrath as the scripture says?

I sense you are right. It is more than that between you. Just the anger I mean. Theres no smoke without fire. You sense something is going on but do not have the bones of it. Usually a woman's instinct is quite accurate with regard to relationships.

I was watching a thing about astronauts wives last night. The astronauts were all pilots before that. Apart from Neil Armstong nearly all the heads of the men were turned when they achieved star status and they then became unfaithful. One of the wives wrote a song about it.

I don't know whats going on here Lola. Time will surely tell, but adultery and mental adultery (porn) does surely affect the heart of a marriage, the most intimate part of it. People can carry on still but the fire is robbed.

I feel you need to get strong as a person in your own right Lola, whatever is going on. Hope for the best but be ready for the worst as we often say on here. Can you find that inner strength regardless of the circustances? I think you will need it whatever happens.

Raymond

[Lola]

Hi. Right now he has been home several days. He keeps busy with things, is civil to me, but he has no interest in me whatsoever. I am quiet and just doing and keeping to myself. I respond to him if he talks to me, but I haven't been intiating things at all, good or bad or otherwise.

If it is a good initiation, I don't because I worry about rejection. I honestly don't know anymore how or when I ever turned out to be a bad wife. I know I have made mistakes, but I think I was more committed to the marriage than he ever was. I think he is commited to the kids, but not to me anymore.
I think he stays for them and himself, but not for me. I surely want to trust him, but don't think I ever will. I feel trapped because with the kids still at home, him traveling and me out of work for so long, I don't feel like there is a life of my OWN. I don't want my marriage to end, I want a life for myself while married, but I don't feel like I have one married or NOT. He made threats against me if I moved away with the kids. He said he "would turn them against me." I can't get those words out of my head. And yes, I do think he would do it.
So, I sit here, sad all the time. I haven't a clue on what to do, how to do it, when to do it, or even how to begin to do anything right. So I am just being this quiet wife agreeing to everything he says and not asking for anything.
No, I know that isn't a life. He just keeps coming to me and saying "I am doing this, ok?" I am going here, ok? And I just say "OK." If I had an opinion, Lord help me. I feel like I am not allowed to have one, to have a say so, about us, the kids, anything anymore.
Thank you all for replying and helping me. Listening to me helps and replying to me helps. Thanks, Lola.

[Raymond]

Hi Lola I take it you are talking about sexual intitiating from you but you fear rejection? I can understand that considering his past and being linked to other women maybe through the airline or even porn. If my wife initiated I would always respond but as it is I do initiating 100%. That just how it is. Everone is different.

You musn't blame yourself as it doesn't mean it is anything to do with you. Some men are just unfaithful, wrongly so. They have a lust for other women or some get addicted to porn and then cannot function sexually in the proper way. We can all have a lust for other women if we are not careful, but there are stronger principles and honour that believe that the most important person is our wives. If we fail in this we have fallen but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with our wives. Granted a sexually accommodating wife makes things far easier but it would still be wrong if it happens.

When your husband said that looking back he would not have got married I think this betrays a philandering type of attitude he has which does not necessarily reflect on you.

I hope this will change but I don't see any sign of it in your writings. It seems he is living his own life and just staying for the children from what you have said. Because of his travelling it is very difficult for you to know what is going on. You said he is behaving himself but why so cold at home? Does he even want a good marriage? If he does he is going the wrong way about it.

I would not let him destroy you Lola. You need to make your own life within all this. You are the mother of the children and that is an important roll in itself. The older they get the more they will understand what is going on if they don't already. Is there no sex at all? Sorry to ask that just trying to get the picture better.

You certainly have to make a better life for yourself it seems. If he is not going to be a loving husband and is not responding to you it gives you a certain amount of freedom to make a better life does it not? What is it that you want do you think, having accepted the fact of how things are in the marriage and if things are not going to change?

Raymond

[Pilot's wife]

I have never done anything like this before, but I am in turmoil and don't know anyone who can relate to what I am going through. I have been married to an airline pilot for 8 1/2 years and have three young children with him. It has just been brought to my attention that he has been sleeping with flight attendents for the past 5 1/2 years. I am in total shock. He is a really "nice", "good" guy. I thought that we shared the same values, but he has betrayed me in a way that hurts me to the core.

He has been living a double life. He is a swinging bachelor at work and an attentive youth football coach for our son when he is at home. I'm not sure what to do or how I even feel. I am numb. He says that he is so sorry and ashamed of his behavior, but how can I believe that? He did it for over half of our marriage. Has anyone experienced anything like this? If so, how did you handle it? We are going to counseling now, but I'm not sure that any amount have counseling could ever lead to me trusting him again.

[Raymond]

This is very difficult pilots wife. Presumably you found out from other sources and it wasn't him who originally told you. I can understand your lack of trust in those circumstances. Five and a half years is a long time to be doing adultery.

I think you have to work out whether you have his repentance or his remorse that he got caught. If it is repentance he will be very sorry and will want to stay pure and regain your trust. Only you will know that. Forgiving someone who is still going to carry on isn't worth much. I don't think the profession helps from what I have read on here but that doesn't excuse it as it is still wrong.

Repentance means changing your mind and changing your lifestyle. If you have that, forgiveness will be the thing that you must do. If you are not sure yet where he really stands it is very difficult for you, but if the marriage is to be a proper marriage you need his faithfulness to you only.

I would see how this marriage counseling goes. This is quite serious and you musn't lose your way on it by being fobbed of by someone that it doesn't matter. It does matter and it is very important to the intimacy of your marriage that it is on the right lines. One of the dangers is financial in that you may need his financial support and be tempted to compromise. If that happens you may be well off but you will not have a proper marriage. Hopefully that will not be the case.

Raymond

[Pilot's wife]

Raymond,

You are right. I have to decide whether or not I believe that he is going to change. It is hard to imagine that someone who did something for so long can make the changes that are necessary to be a good husband and a good man. It was not the circumstances that led to his infidelity, but his character.

He says that he is ready to change his ways and that he was immature and probably not ready to get married. I was really played for a fool for years. I don't want my children to grow up without the security and comfort of having both parents under the same roof, but I also don't want to put my physical and emotional health at risk.

I have a lot to consider and of course now that everything has come to light he has reached and epiphany that has led to him being a better person.

The road ahead seems endless.

[Raymond]

Yes it is hard to believe that someone who was unfaithful for so long can make the changes PW. However it is not impossible. I would rather have seen a voluntary confession than a situation where he was exposed, but repentance can happen from that. It is not impossible and therefore you have to get it right.

The main thing is trust isn't it. That has been broken. The million dollar question is will he now be faithful only to you or not? I don't have the answer to that and you're the only person who can know that. It is up to him really to regain your trust. My feeling is that now your antenna is up you will get a sense of whether he has truly repented and intends to be truly faithful, but you don't want to get paranoic about it. You don't want to be his judge. You just want him to be faithful which is your right as a wife as you have given your life to him.

Really you just have his word and as his wife you will know whether that can be relied on or not. He has given the story that he was too young for marriage as if it was okay for a young person to sleep around. I really hope he will now be mature and pure. Time will tell but if that turns out not to be the case you have to make your decisions then.

I would try and live a normal life and be patient. Life has a way of throwing up things that one is trying to hide. Now your antenna is up you will know without creating an obsession out of it. If you are checking up with him with your friends on the airline I would try and be laid back about it if you can. It won't help you to be paranoic. You just want to know the facts. Once you can trust him it will not be a problem.

Raymond

[Lola]

HI Pilots wife.

My husband too is a commerical airline pilot and needless to say, I hate the job he has. I would trade the perks for him to be home and me not sit home without him and cry wondering if he is cheating on me.
You can read some of my older posts. I have not been on in a while. We have endured two separations last year and so far this year all we have done is argue. He only cares for a bit, then bam, turns into this jerk again. But that of course is my opinion cause if you asked him, he would have a list of things he says I do to make things awful.
I am not perfect, but what he does is always getting back. He is vindictive, so if I have done something, he will punish me. He says he doesn't spend time with me or take me out because "in the past" I this or that, so he assumes I will do it again...so I am constantly punished and therefore we get nowhere.
He was on the internet looking for sex, I found this out almost two years ago. He claims he was just mad at me, and did nothing, but I don't believe him when I found 4 sites he had profiles on. Tonight I called him in europe on his trip and he wasn't in his room til 1 a.m. He always goes out with the crew but never takes me anywhere. I am sad, lonely, hurt, and at home with 3 teenagers who hardly listen and just back talk to me daily. I have no help, no friends, and no life. We even have money issues due to a huge mound of debt, and I sit here all day paying bills and trying to do chores which I have no motivation to do. So while the kids are at school, I deal with my painful neck (I had surgery two months ago on it), and I cry and sleep to pass the hours.
I don't want to stay awake as I think too much about it all. I have no self esteem and I feel like a ruined person.
But, here it goes. I love him. I don't want a divorce, I just keep wanting it to get better. I also hate him. I have even told him so and he doesn't let me forget it, let me tell you. Everything I do wrong is thrown in my face all the time...yet he expects me to forgive him and trust him when he treats me this way.
I feel for you and any woman married to a pilot. Yes, if they cheat, it is a character issue, BUT I am sorry, most pilots cheat. Not all, but most. Why? They are gone, they are lonely, they have the opportunity and lastly, they are men.
I hope you and I for that matter, find some happiness somehow. I feel for you.

[Pilot's wife]

Lola,

My heart goes out to you, but I hope that you realize that you are more than just a wife and that others will only mistreat you if you allow them to.

One thing that I have learned through this horrific experience is that I need to assert myself more and gain some independence. I have been completely financially reliant on my husband for the past 8 ½ years. My identity has been strictly that of a mother and a wife. I have come to the conclusion that not only for my sake, but for the benefit of my children as well that I need to divide my focus better so that I can start doing something for myself, to better myself.

My husband’s infidelity has led me to do a great deal of soul searching and I have come to accept some things about myself. The intimacy has been lacking in my marriage for a long time as a result of past hurts between us. I have denied him of the physical connection that he needed and he was unable to provide me with the emotional support that I needed. We really have been like two people living separate lives. Before two months ago I never took the time to really look at my relationship and the role that I play in its dysfunction.

Pilots have a lot of temptation. They are away from home and from what I understand there is no shortage of flight attendants who are willing to engage in unethical acts with them. I am not sure what is going to happen between me and my husband. Believe it or not I do not hate him or wish him any ill will. He seems remorseful, but trust is something that escapes me these days.

If I were you I would not be eager to have a sexual relationship with your husband. If you have doubts about him being unfaithful to you don’t ignore it like I did. The reason that I found out is because my husband infected me with an STD that he contracted from one of his many conquests. If there is any possibility of your relationship healing everything has to be out in the open and you and your husband should get yourselves screened for STDs.

[Raymond]

Whatever your faults Lola, and we all have them, the biggest sin is his unfaithfulness. That is the thing that cuts right to the heart of marriage. It's not a marriage with that going on. Now there seems to be control coming from him and even punishment which is very insidious.


If you have hope that it will get better that cannot be a bad thing but you have umpteen grounds for divorce if you ever needed it. There is no respect there for his marriage if he is looking for sex elsewhere.

Raymond

[Derek]

I you think if your wife is hot and a really good looker, you should weigh that against the affair. I would try to get more sex out of her and increase my power over her in the marriage or get rid of her. Later on, I would get some payback by having some affairs of my own. My advice: Have fun, get some payback, but keep your affairs to yourself.